Right Place, Right Time

I had a meeting today that didn't go the way I was hoping it would. I don't think I'll be meeting with that guy again. I had said that I was on a waiting list for counselling and he offered his 'services'. So I thought I'd go and try it out and see what I could get out of it, not really expecting much of anything. I was right to feel that way. He showed his true colors today and pretty much told me what he thought of me. No point in going back. I don't understand why people have to be so fake in the first place. They wear a mask and show people what they want them to see and when they take that mask off... They are someone completely different!

Anyway, I decided to take a walk afterwards to clear my mind. Or try to. I was walking along Richmond Road when I came across St.Vincent De Paul's. It's a second-hand shop. I usually go there to check out what books they have. I haven't been there in a while... But I feel like I was meant to go there today.

I found a copy of the book I had loaned to Roger before he passed away. I didn't think I'd ever get it back. There it was. When I was buying this book, (spent my last four dollars on it), I heard a song on the radio playing throughout the store. A song I have been listening to quite a lot recently Alone - by Heart. It just felt like I was in the right place at the right time when I heard that song. Because of all the songs to play at that time.... It seemed just for me. Also I kept feeling Roger around me and felt like he's been around me when I was listening to that song and that he was kind of the reason the song was playing and the reason I found that book I had loaned him. Like he was giving it back, in death. As crazy as that sounds. I know it sounds crazy. Especially to those who don't believe in ghosts and such.

It was an important book for me because it was the only book from the text books I kept from college that I didn't have anymore. So now I have it again and it kind of makes me feel better. I know that having 'things' shouldn't 'make me feel better'. Just that I had been missing this one book. Even though we had traded books. I didn't get the chance to give him his book back. "Flow". I still have it. It being 'his' book makes it more special to me. But of all the books and of all the songs.... You could say it was a coincidence, but I think of it as more than just that.

Maybe what happened at the meeting today happened for a reason. To make me see that I am focusing my attention and energy in the wrong direction. I have being doing this for a long time. I know it seems easier not to respond than to respond accordingly. I have learned this from someone in my life who should have been teaching me how to respond rather than not to respond. The definition of responsibility is the ability to respond. The main reason I don't do a lot of things is because I don't know how to do them! If I had someone in my life who taught me simple things, basic things, I'd be much better off than I am today. I know that to be a fact. A lot of people have to teach themselves certain things. I'm not the only one still learning. At least i can take comfort in that! I do need some direction in my life. I've needed that ALL my life. I've needed guidance. I need coaching. I need encouragement. You cannot encourage someone by telling them hos disappointed you are in them and telling them all their shortcomings. If anyone knows my shortcomings and all that I lack, it's me! Why do you think I feel the way I do? Because I am AWARE. You have to be AWARE to CARE. That's the way it goes. If I was simply ignorant to my inabilities, I wouldn't care as much as I do and it certainly wouldn't affect me as much as it does. I'm not saying I want to be PERFECT, I want to be FUNCTIONAL. I'm tired of being dysfunctional. My mother says that our family puts the FUN in Dysfunctional. I know our family is dysfunctional, but she seems to be okay with that. Because the family itself is dysfunctional, the members of the family are also dysfunctional. I have been realizing so much more than a lot of people in my life are even aware of. Life is not all about THEM. Life does not evolve around THEM. If people weren't so SELFISH all the time, maybe they could be more responsible.

I lack many things. So many things. It affects me in terms of what kind of person I have been and what kind of person I am. Even affects what kind of person I will become. Or continue to be.

I lack self-motivation which is why I tend to procrastinate so much. I lack self-discipline. Everything I do, I must do for myself and for my son. In terms of improvements. Nobody is going to bestow me with self-motivation. Or self-discipline. Nobody is going to bestow me with magical gifts that give me the things that I lack in life. I have to find these in myself and develope them in myself so that I can teach my son things he will need in life. So he doesn't have to suffer the way I have been suffering. Nobody should have to suffer that way. Feeling inadequate all the time. Like I feel. Like I've felt all my life. I always feel like "This is how things are (probably because they were meant to be this way) and there is nothing I can do about it." Because there were so many times I felt so ALONE and HELPLESS. Even now, I feel like I am beyond 'HELP'. Unless I help MYSELF. It takes a strong person to admit all these things. I've always been honest on here. I'm trying to be more open. More than I have before. Even if it's all personal. At least I am being honest. So I can look back on these posts later and say, "Look! I made it this far!" I know I have a lot further to go. At least I'm not venting as much as I was. I'm just making statements about the things of which I am aware and stating the realizations I've made in the last few days.