Incompleteness

It's early in the morning. Can't sleep, yet. I have been a night owl lately. Mostly I go online and chat on WireClub. Been on that site for years. I kinda miss the yahoo chat rooms. I remember the first chat rooms I ever used were IRC. I remember who got me started on the internet. Who introduced me to that world. When I was about 13, I had a friend named Mike. I hung out with his sister who is about 4 years older than me. She's a great artist. I have always been secretly jealous of any female friends I ever had. I don't even know why. I guess they always seemed so much cooler than me. Which isn't hard. I guess.

Anyway, that's part of the reason I hang out with guys. I don't feel like there is a competition or comparison component to having friendships with guys. Not that I'm a competitive person. I don't try to be better than anyone. But I know there is a big difference between myself and other females. In the sense that makes me feel so inadequate that it's not even funny.

I had a feeling tonight that didn't sit well with me. I kept thinking how my ex would probably like one of my friends more than me because she has more in common with him than I do. Similar taste in music etc. It made me feel bad because I could see him happier with her than with me. I don't know. It was weird. It is weird how I allow myself to think those thoughts. But sometimes I cannot help it.

Also, when I had female acquaintances in the past and I was dating... The girls seemed to try to steal the guy away from me. Most of the time it worked. So maybe that is why I feel insecure about myself when it comes to other girls. That's why I mostly stick to myself and shy away from some or a lot of friendships.

Been trying to keep myself busy with my knitting. Been knitting a sweater. My second one. It's mostly for the practice more than anything. It takes so much time to complete a project like that. Been working on it for about a month. I wish I could make a living off knitting and crocheting, but since it takes so long to make anything that might sell, it seems unlikely. I do enjoy making gifts though. Especially for birthdays. I don't know why, but birthdays are special to me. Not just mine, but other's birthdays. Especially someone else's birthday. I remember I dated someone several years ago who took me to dinner on my birthday. I'll always remember that. He was very good to me and that makes me feel so guilty that I wasn't ready to date him or anyone. My life was complicated back then. His family was accepting of me and I wish I could have made it work. I often think about him and wonder if he thinks about me. He's probably married by now. I know he wanted to marry the girl he dated after he and I broke up. Because he told me. That pretty much broke my heart. I always felt unworthy of getting married and that just reinforced that feeling and made it so much stronger.

I keep telling myself that it is okay to be single. I'm still not really ready to part with the last guy I dated. I mean he and I aren't technically together anymore although he keeps telling me he still loves me. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't go back to him because I wouldn't be happy and I wasn't happy near the end of our relationship. We didn't go on dates. He never really took me out. I wanted some romance in my life. I often feel like I can't ever have that because I feel like I don't deserve it.

So instead of trying to put myself out there and trying to meet 'the one', I stay at home and knit and make things. I make things because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I can actually achieve something. It feels like I'm unable to achieve other things in my life. I guess my life is a bit empty. I definitely feel unfulfilled and unsatisfied. But if it weren't for knitting and crocheting, reading, writing, music... Being a Mom on the weekends... (I know I'm a Mom all the time, but I only get to see him on the weekends now that he lives with his father)... If it weren't for these aspects of my life, maybe I wouldn't have much of a life. I would just be merely existing. I hate feeling like I'm just existing and not achieving as much as I should be. That's why I feel empty. But I doubt having a man in my life would change that. I doubt that very much. Because I did have men in my life before... I'm still stuck here. Like this. Until something changes. Hopefully. I know that I will be the one who has to make changes. Changes don't just happen by themselves.