The Pregnancy Pact

The other night I watched a movie I hadn't seen before called The Pregnancy Pact. It's about these teen girls who make a pact to get pregnant at the same time. It's actually based on a true story. I ended up having weird dreams. It reminded me of when I got pregnant. Only it wasn't on purpose. I was 18 when I got pregnant, still in high school. Only I had been living with his father for 2 years at this point.

When I got pregnant, I moved out of where we were living because we needed an apartment and I was looking to him to find one for us. When I felt he wasn't looking hard enough, I found one on my own. So I took it. He still lived at the rooming house during my pregnancy. Even though the school was closer to the rooming house, I really couldn't stay there in my condition and had to have somewhere safe to bring the baby back to from the hospital after he was born.

I still went to school every day. Up until a month before my son was born. I finished my last high school credit one month to the day my son was born. It was cutting it close, but I knew I had to finish BEFORE he was born.

After he was born, his father moved into the apartment because I knew I was going to need his help then more than ever. Also, I wanted us to be a family. We moved 3 times after that. Then when we broke up, we still lived together. He moved out. He didn't want to, but he did. I do miss him when I think about the times we had together. We were together for 5 years and that is the longest I had been with anyone. We were even thinking about getting married at one point. But now... I doubt if I ever will get married. Or even fall in love again...

Anyway, I'll tell you about my dream that I had. I dreamed I was still in high school, that I was pregnant again. Only the school had this section away from the other students where the students who were pregnant had to stay during their pregnancy. I remember not wanting to go there because I knew I had to stay there.

I'll tell you what my mother said when I told her I was pregnant. "At least you made it to 18". Yeah, thanks for having high hopes for your daughter...

Recently she asked me if I was pregnant again. Which I replied "I'm pretty sure I'm not" since I broke it off with the last guy I dated, I haven't been with anyone but him. For months now. (My friends joke that I need to get laid, but I don't). Anyway, she says, "Good, because we'd have to shoot you and throw you over the balcony." She said this right in front of my ten year old son. Way to make him feel like he was wanted! Not! He was and still is wanted. I have to admit I wasn't sure what I was getting into becoming a mother, but I still tried to do things right. Just in the end everything fell apart. Now he lives with his father. I wish his father would stop treating him like a baby. He has him in a daycare where my son is the oldest. He won't even let me pick my son up from school saying that he HAS to go to daycare or he'll lose his spot. Why does he even need daycare when I'm only working one day a week and I could just go pick him up from school? I was the one picking him up from school every day for FOUR YEARS. Now I have to ask permission... And Often get told NO, even though I am his MOTHER!

Nobody should have to go through what I went through. Nobody! Unless there are circumstances where the kid is not safe with their parent, or parents.

Sometimes I think I'd like to have at least one more kid before I am barren. BUT C.A.S think they have more rights to kids than their own parents do. I've been taking parenting classes for weeks now. Not really learning anything new. They don't even teach us what we actually NEED to know. How to communicate with our kids, how to fulfill their needs, all that stuff. Just that if they are acting up that it's because they are either Hungry, need attention, are lonely, or tired. That their needs aren't being met. Parenting styles, discipline techniques... None of the stuff is presented to us in a way that we can LEARN from it. You know why? BECAUSE it is run by C.A.S. They know next to nothing about raising kids. I was in C.A.S. In group homes and foster care. I know what it is like. I know I am the way I am because I went through all of that. I know I shut people out of my emotional life (including myself) because of that. Because I have a lot of resentment towards them. If I ever had another kid, it would be like inviting them back into my life when all they ever did for me was turn my life upside down. Took my kid from me. From his MOTHER, his HOME.

You know what my kid says to me now? "Daddy loves me more than you do!" Things like that. Because His father won't allow me to pick him up from school or have much time with him. I can't control that. There's nothing I can do about that. Despite wanting to have another kid, I know that I couldn't because of everything could start all over again. I tried my best and it wasn't good enough. BECAUSE everyone who went AGAINST me made me FEEL that way. They are supposed to be keeping families together, not tearing them apart. I'm still lucky I get to see him at all. That I have him on the weekends. If that's all I'm ever going to get.

Reasons like these are reasons I DON'T TRUST ANYONE ESPECIALLY THE C.A.S!