Do you ever have dreams that seem so real? I just had one. It was pretty weird. I had a dream that I found someone who I thought was 'the one' only to find out that he was a coward. So here's what happened. I met him at a party. Which in itself was weird because I hardly ever go to parties in real life. Then as time went by and I got to know him, I liked him... Big mistake. He was only pretending to like me because he ended up telling my friends to tell me he wanted to break up with me. Probably because he knew I'd be mad. I usually get mad over things that aren't fair. Like if I'm not treated fairly or given a decent chance... Anyway, after they told me, I went to another party. There were a bunch of guys there. I woke up after asking if one of them would give me a lift to the liquor store because I seemed to be the only one there who didn't have my own drinks.
I haven't had a drink in about a week and it's been driving me crazy. Just the other day, I wanted to go out for lunch just to have a drink at a bar. I didn't go. Been thinking about having a drink ever since. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't drink every day. I don't get plastered out of my mind. I have a few times, but I don't set out to do that. I can remember the times I got really drunk. It escalated into situations that made me realize that getting completely wasted wasn't in my best interest. I just like the 'buzz' and don't need more than that. Maybe I'm addicted, but not overly addicted if that makes sense. I CAN GO WITHOUT, but there are times it drives me crazy if I don't! Especially when I see others drinking.
I remember the last time I drank at my mom's place. Nobody would drink with me. My brother was there and he wouldn't even walk me to the train station and he knew I was drunk. They don't care about me. After my brother said he didn't want to, my mother didn't step in and tell him to... Haven't seen him since and don't really care to. It's nice to know where you stand with your family, isn't it? Families are supposed to care about each other and help each other... Not mine.... They couldn't care less about me. Seriously. If someone killed me, they wouldn't feel a damn thing. It is harsh to say, but considering everything that presents itself as evidence.... It's not hard to see.
Half the time when I call my mother she doesn't answer. She doesn't call me unless she wants something. My brothers... They never call me. The only one I'm close to is my Grandmother who has always treated me as a daughter should be by their mother. I know that she won't live forever... She's the only one I have in this world.
Maybe my life is in such a state of being 'unfair' and thus 'unbalanced' which makes me feel 'uneasy' to the point that sometimes to feel a bit of 'relief' I drink. I don't like drinking alone but often I do because not a lot of people will drink with me. I have a very few friends who would. When I used to drink everyday, I knew where to go to find people to drink with.. But they are long since dead now. Living the hard life on the streets has a way of sucking the life out of people. I got out before it sucked the life out of me. Feeling out casted by my family is enough to suck the life out of me. I still shouldn't care about them since they treat me like that. I was surprised when my mother called last weekend to invite my son and I to dinner... It was a surprise because that was the first time in a VERY long time she invited us. I think it was more to see my son than to see me. Since she hasn't really made much of an effort to be in his life. Not since he was a baby. I think the next time I see her will be for her birthday, then Christmas, then maybe my birthday.
I'd like to have a birthday party. The last time I had one, half the people I invited didn't show up. Maybe two people came to it and they were my ex's friends. I didn't try again after that. It was like 7 years ago. I was turning 22, I think. I've been thinking of places to have my birthday party at... Probably somewhere near here. Probably at a bar since there are a few occasions that I do like to get somewhat drunk. Mostly on holidays or birthdays. The 31rst of March... The day my father killed himself. Now I have a new day to add to the list May 11th, when my best friend killed himself. It was two days before his birthday...
I think I drink to suppress the pain I feel that I don't know how to deal with. Either have a beer or sometimes smoke a joint. I don't usually go out of my way to buy pot. If someone gives it to me, I'll take it. Otherwise I don't usually look for it. I've been pretty good lately. Been clean and sober for a week now. I don't think it'll last though. If I didn't hurt so much all the time, maybe I wouldn't be inclined to even want to...
I haven't had a drink in about a week and it's been driving me crazy. Just the other day, I wanted to go out for lunch just to have a drink at a bar. I didn't go. Been thinking about having a drink ever since. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't drink every day. I don't get plastered out of my mind. I have a few times, but I don't set out to do that. I can remember the times I got really drunk. It escalated into situations that made me realize that getting completely wasted wasn't in my best interest. I just like the 'buzz' and don't need more than that. Maybe I'm addicted, but not overly addicted if that makes sense. I CAN GO WITHOUT, but there are times it drives me crazy if I don't! Especially when I see others drinking.
I remember the last time I drank at my mom's place. Nobody would drink with me. My brother was there and he wouldn't even walk me to the train station and he knew I was drunk. They don't care about me. After my brother said he didn't want to, my mother didn't step in and tell him to... Haven't seen him since and don't really care to. It's nice to know where you stand with your family, isn't it? Families are supposed to care about each other and help each other... Not mine.... They couldn't care less about me. Seriously. If someone killed me, they wouldn't feel a damn thing. It is harsh to say, but considering everything that presents itself as evidence.... It's not hard to see.
Half the time when I call my mother she doesn't answer. She doesn't call me unless she wants something. My brothers... They never call me. The only one I'm close to is my Grandmother who has always treated me as a daughter should be by their mother. I know that she won't live forever... She's the only one I have in this world.
Maybe my life is in such a state of being 'unfair' and thus 'unbalanced' which makes me feel 'uneasy' to the point that sometimes to feel a bit of 'relief' I drink. I don't like drinking alone but often I do because not a lot of people will drink with me. I have a very few friends who would. When I used to drink everyday, I knew where to go to find people to drink with.. But they are long since dead now. Living the hard life on the streets has a way of sucking the life out of people. I got out before it sucked the life out of me. Feeling out casted by my family is enough to suck the life out of me. I still shouldn't care about them since they treat me like that. I was surprised when my mother called last weekend to invite my son and I to dinner... It was a surprise because that was the first time in a VERY long time she invited us. I think it was more to see my son than to see me. Since she hasn't really made much of an effort to be in his life. Not since he was a baby. I think the next time I see her will be for her birthday, then Christmas, then maybe my birthday.
I'd like to have a birthday party. The last time I had one, half the people I invited didn't show up. Maybe two people came to it and they were my ex's friends. I didn't try again after that. It was like 7 years ago. I was turning 22, I think. I've been thinking of places to have my birthday party at... Probably somewhere near here. Probably at a bar since there are a few occasions that I do like to get somewhat drunk. Mostly on holidays or birthdays. The 31rst of March... The day my father killed himself. Now I have a new day to add to the list May 11th, when my best friend killed himself. It was two days before his birthday...
I think I drink to suppress the pain I feel that I don't know how to deal with. Either have a beer or sometimes smoke a joint. I don't usually go out of my way to buy pot. If someone gives it to me, I'll take it. Otherwise I don't usually look for it. I've been pretty good lately. Been clean and sober for a week now. I don't think it'll last though. If I didn't hurt so much all the time, maybe I wouldn't be inclined to even want to...
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