It comes and goes. Depression. Sometimes I'm into it, far too deep where nothing seems possible. Then there are times when I think certain things (which I'd previously thought to be impossible) when I think I can still get somewhere.
It's hard. I remember the time that I once sat in front of a guy I was interested in, just after I found out he was married... He asked me if I had my 'eye on anyone'. I had to honestly say: "NOT ANYMORE". It was hard for me to say because I was talking about him and I couldn't tell him. It was hard to say it without tears in my eyes. When I was alone, I cried. I still cry about that.
My boyfriend and I are taking a break. We're not going anywhere 'together' so hopefully we both can get further by our selves for our selves. Can't ask for anything more than that. I've learned a lot of things. That I can't ask for anything. Probably because I don't deserve anything I ever asked for. Why ask anymore? If you were me, you might be okay with the idea of being alone forever, even if it hurts you beyond belief.
Whatever. If I die, alone. Fine. It used to be one of my biggest fears. Now, I could die tomorrow and it'd be okay to me. Because I think that sometimes it hurts more being alive than it does to be dead. Not that I'm going to go jump out a window or anything like that. Maybe some things would come as a blessing to me. Who knows.
I'm just sick of the 'repeats' which seems to be 90% of my life. This includes the mistakes I repeated. Including the hitting on of married men. It hurts because I know in my heart that I'm just a joke and I will likely be what they call a spinster. If I waited to get married before having my son, I would never be a MOM. I feel like men will never want me to be happy. I guess that's all I can say about that.
It's hard. I remember the time that I once sat in front of a guy I was interested in, just after I found out he was married... He asked me if I had my 'eye on anyone'. I had to honestly say: "NOT ANYMORE". It was hard for me to say because I was talking about him and I couldn't tell him. It was hard to say it without tears in my eyes. When I was alone, I cried. I still cry about that.
My boyfriend and I are taking a break. We're not going anywhere 'together' so hopefully we both can get further by our selves for our selves. Can't ask for anything more than that. I've learned a lot of things. That I can't ask for anything. Probably because I don't deserve anything I ever asked for. Why ask anymore? If you were me, you might be okay with the idea of being alone forever, even if it hurts you beyond belief.
Whatever. If I die, alone. Fine. It used to be one of my biggest fears. Now, I could die tomorrow and it'd be okay to me. Because I think that sometimes it hurts more being alive than it does to be dead. Not that I'm going to go jump out a window or anything like that. Maybe some things would come as a blessing to me. Who knows.
I'm just sick of the 'repeats' which seems to be 90% of my life. This includes the mistakes I repeated. Including the hitting on of married men. It hurts because I know in my heart that I'm just a joke and I will likely be what they call a spinster. If I waited to get married before having my son, I would never be a MOM. I feel like men will never want me to be happy. I guess that's all I can say about that.
1 comment:
Sorry to hear Abby. Don't get down on yourself too much for hitting on married men though. If you don't know they're married then it's not like it's really a mistake. Maybe think of it this way...If you're interested in someone who turns out to be married then you've made same judgement call someone else had made which worked out for them only, that someone was quicker or luckier than you. It doesn't really help you feel better in this situation but it shows you that you can make good choices. In a different situation (ie if the person wasn't married) it certainly would be prudent to try an get that person's interest.
That's not to say all married men are great guys because we both know that's not the case.
Anyway, about being alone - For me, When I was probably close to your age (yes sorry, I'm pulling the age and experience card ;) )I spent 2 years "being alone"...afraid to date or get involved because it hurt so much when things didn't work out. When I look back at it (though I don't regret it) it was time poorly spent.
I threw myself into martial arts and work but those things didn't fix how I felt. I was alone and I didn't need to be. For me, after a long time, I re-connected with some old friends (friends I let my former girlfriend push out of my life because she was uncomfortable with them) and I started chatting people up on ICQ to make new friends. I started to feel better so I just went with it...Things still hurt though. I'd get involved, it didn't work and then I'd feel like crap afterwards.
Anyway, all that to say, I think anyone who puts the work in to try and be happy, deserves to be happy. Some people have to try harder than others for sure but please don't let that (or how you're feeling now) stop you from trying to find happiness for yourself. My mother told me something once - "You can't rely on others to make you happy. You can only make yourself happy"
Blah see! I've gone and written a short story again!
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