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Just been working on my website stuff. 
I don't expect much to come of it, but if "it" happens, 
then "it" happens. 

Not that I started this blog for anything to happen. 
It was mostly to write through a lot of things I was going through.
Depression is a thing. I struggled a lot. 

It had a lot to do with things that were beyond my control. 
And not having the guts to do the things I had to do. 
Because it seemed like everything that I did, for good reasons
seemed to backfire in my face. 

Then it made me question everything I did. 
Even when I had good intentions, 
it didn't turn out the way I had hoped.
Like people actually turned on me.

It makes me just want to be on my own more and more.
Because I had enough of that crap.

And yes, things get to me and get to me and get to me. 
Because I let a lot slide
to the point everyone expects me to let everything slide.
And when I don't, 
they make it seem like I should. 

So they can just keep getting away with doing things
they know they shouldn't do.

Especially to me. 
Things I wouldn't do to them. 
But for whatever reason,
they think it's okay to do to me.

If some people went through that, 
how would they react?


Somewhere I heard that an abnormal reaction
to an abnormal situation 
is normal. 

Not sure how much I believe that, 
but there was something someone told me.
Had my circumstances been different, 
the outcome would have been different.

It kind of helped a bit.

Because I'd like to think that some things might have worked out for me
had things been different. 
Or if I had been or done things differently. 
Hard to say what the deciding factors exactly were, 
but I know there isn't a way
that even the good things can go back to the way they were, 
but at least I've had some good memories. 

At least I have those.

But been very tired through all of it
and seemingly I had no right to have any rest.
Or try to recover from things that deeply hurt me...


Or even be allowed to talk about it or say anything about it
or it would just get turned right back on me.
Like where are my rights?

It got ridiculous. 

That's why I write instead because this is what I have
that can't be taken away from me.



I didn't get what I wanted, 
but I didn't even want everything or very much of anything.
At least not to be spoken to the way I was spoken to, 
or treated the way I was treated. 

But I didn't have to get what I wanted. 
Not everyone gets what they want. 
Maybe sometimes what we want is unrealistic. 

For now, we want everything to work out for us.
But sometimes something does not work out for us
is a lesson and a blessing.

It's just frustrating. It's been frustrating. 
Because I don't know why something is so hard
or so out of reach that it's like... 
If others don't want you to have it...
They'll try to stop you from having it. 


There's a story that goes with it. 
Some side of it that I can't even tell, yet. 


I would like for some things to be fair for me, too. 
But that doesn't mean I have to have everything I ever wanted.

I used to want to get married. 
The older I get,  the more I see that it isn't an important
be all thing that I used to want. 

I don't want to or need to go through some long winded
approval process to be deemed an acceptable 'partner.'
I've already had the bare minimum. 
Even less than that, at times.
When expected to be all in. 

I'm okay with being single.
It just bothers me some male friends
get jealous of potential suitors
like I'm to choose them over anyone else. 

I've heard it all. Everyone's opinions
about who I've dated in the past
or even considered dating.


Then more opinions when things didn't work out. 

Sometimes, I felt like I expected too much.
Other times I felt like even when I didn't expect anything, 
I kept getting the short end. 


Like I would put in effort and make things easy for them.
Too easy. Then they felt too comfortable
trying to treat me a certain way....


Anyway, I need to go out soon. 
I'll write later.