Time For Reading

So.....  I wrote about some things....
Over and over and over again. 
I really don't expect anyone to understand....
And I have to let people go who want to go.

It's not really about loneliness. 
It was about trying to clear the air
and trying to set things right. 
But it's hard to do that
when some people won't let me.

But I did take bad advice.....
So I did that.
And have to forgive myself for that....
No matter how long it takes
or how hard it is....

I see what I did wrong, 
and I know how hard
or seemingly impossible it is
to come back from that....
No matter how much I want to, 
it might not be possible
and I have to live with that....

I can't take it back....

So I have to figure out how to move forward
from where I am....
It's hard. Very hard....

It's harder than the other times.... This time.

Like I said, I wish others could see what it was like for me.
That's part of why I write about things
from my perspective.
I am aware that they have their own point of view
and I can see how things are for them, sometimes. 
And sometimes I need to be told.
Because I can't read people's minds....

But thinking about how that would be like for me, 
I can kind of see how it would be like for me...
There are times that I can see it, 
but others think that I can't. 
And times that others expect me to just know. 

I can't expect others to just know. 
And they aren't even trying to see it.
They are just too stuck on themselves
that they can't see anything beyond themselves....

And I do hope that time is on my side.
I always feel like time is running out
and I have to make fast decisions
which aren't always the right decisions....
And I find out the hard way that they weren't....

Anyway, trauma can really f*ck people up.
And I've had some traumatic things happen to me.
In the distant past and the not so distant past.....

And then there are other people who were in my life
that had traumatic things happen to them
and they don't know how to heal from them
and they don't think that they can.

Someone suggested a book to me....
I got the hard copy and am reading it.

And maybe I should focus on reading it
and possibly heal some old wounds. 
Maybe I'd be better for that.
And maybe I can bring some things up in counselling....

A counsellor I used to see was trying to crack me open
to help me deal with my emotions. 
I'd even get angry and defensive with him
because there's a lifetime of pain there
and all I know is that it hurts very deeply....

I never learned to face the pain, how to deal with it, etc.

And I know my son is in a lot of pain.
And nobody showed him how to face it, deal with it, etc.
And I know that the things he was saying
were cries for help, but I got scared. 

I tried to talk to him about it, but it wasn't helping.
Probably because I was supposed to be there
and was supposed to protect him.
And I was supposed to know what to do.

It took me too long to learn some things
and he refused to learn some things.
He'll likely learn the hard way
about some things, too. Like I did.

All I can do is give him his space and time
to learn things on his own. 
And let him push me away, in anger
for the mistakes I made with him.

I had to learn from that.

Because there were some things I did
and some things I didn't do.

And I have to pay for all of that.
What I did do, and what I didn't do. 

Like damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
Makes it seem impossible to win. 
At anything. At any time.

And all I can do is try to heal from a lot of wounds.....
Very f*cking painful stuff...

There was something someone said....
"You have to lick your own wounds, 
nobody's going to do the healing for you."

And there are people who refuse to do the work....
But there are others who know that they need to do it, 
but they f*cking don't know how to do it.

There was something someone else said, too. 
"The way things look is just as important
as the way things are."

And I get that my lack of actions in the past
looks just as bad as all the f*ck ups I did.

And we can't just say:
"I'm going to do nothing
because I don't know what to do."

That is the easy way out.

And sometimes I did things
that weren't the right things
because I didn't know what to do. 

Like when I 'self-medicated'....
That wasn't the right thing to do, 
but that was all I knew how to do.
At that time in my life.

There was some post I saw recently.....
A couple of posts....

One was about addiction. 
How we give up everything for one thing.
And recovery is like giving up one thing for everything.

Then there was a post about how someone
didn't want to be the way she was last year.....
She included a picture of herself doing shots....
And said she remembered what it was like
at that time.... That she was trying to chase the pain away
with alcohol. And I was doing that a long time ago, 
so I can understand....

I used alcohol to try to suppress my emotions....
When I was angry, sad, depressed, etc.

But it always just kept coming back. 

A friend told me that feeling are valid,
but it is up to us to decide
how long we are going to hold onto those feelings. 
And decide when to put them on the shelf. 

I guess there is no way of just forcing ourselves
to stop feeling a certain way.
I tried that.... 

In AA, they said that there is no such thing
as selectively numbing emotions
like the ones we don't want to feel
because there comes a point where we can't feel
the way we would rather feel
because we can't really feel very much of anything. 

And that is where the depression gets worse.
When we can't feel very much of anything. 
And when we get stuck in certain feelings, 
it seems very hard to feel anything else. 
Because those feelings that we are so used to
are so 'practiced' that we don't really know how to
or remember what it is like to feel "better"
than we got used to feeling....

And even knowing this.... 
I still struggle to feel better.
Because I still make mistakes....
And I still torture myself
with my inability to forgive myself
which is compounded
by others' willingness to forgive me.....

"How do you forgive yourself
for something that others won't forgive you for?"

That is one of the hardest things
to ever try to forgive myself for.

Even if I knew it wasn't likely to have a good effect.
And I still went ahead and did it anyway....

When I did more harm than good....
When I meant no harm. 
When I meant to prevent harm....

But nobody will see it that way....

They just see it according to how it affects them. 
While ignoring the effects it had on me....
That certain things STILL have on me....

You know when something shocks you so bad
that you're just not the same? 
Well, I'm not the same....

It struck a fear in me
that I didn't even want to know, ever.
And that's what had me acting on it...
Even though it feels f*cking useless.
Because it didn't get me anywhere.

Just got me rejected. That is all.
It didn't help. At all.

I f*cking hate when people
talk people into doing things
that is "the right thing"
and it turns out to just be a useless action
and all that it does is makes things worse.

Again, I had to learn the hard way.
The hard way included
sacrificing my relationship with my son.

For what? There was nothing that I got out of that
or that he got out of that.....
It was a stupid thing to do.

And I feel stupid
for letting people talk me into doing it.

But at the same time, 
I wouldn't have done it
had I not been scared at the things my son
was telling me....

Anyway, I had to learn
and he has to learn....

And we need time apart. 
And if we don't ever reconcile, then we don't. 

I was supposed to be the strong one.
I was supposed to be able to take it.
Even though it was hard to take.
And still is.