So Do They

Had a dream that I was a cop... 
Obviously, that's not going to happen. 
They won't hire someone with a mental illness....

Anyway, in my dream, my boss was a senior cop.
He was really close to retiring
and he became terminally ill.
In the dream, he asked me to marry him
because he needed someone to take care of him
and he wanted me to have his pension when he died.

And I used my 'gremlin' voice to stop a robbery...
It scared the would-be robbers and they ran away....

Somehow, I pulled a muscle in my neck....
It's pretty painful. 
I have to roll my shoulders and move my head around, 
against that sore muscle more,
to try to work that muscle....

Feels like I'm carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders....

I have to try to try to get over some things.
Like a few people have said, 
"the damage is already done."

I already damaged things.
Possibly beyond repair.....

Being alone isn't so bad.....
Bearing things alone is harder. A lor harder, but....
I've had my things to bear alone....

And I get that fear creeping in.... All the time....

I used to be afraid of dying alone..... 

But I'm okay with not getting married, now.
Maybe I'll end up getting married 
to someone who wants to give me their money,
but I'm not the type to marry FOR money...
In my dream, it was more because he needed someone
to take care of him before he died....
And I was doing that for him.
Because he asked me to.

It wasn't for his money....

I've met guys who had money, 
but were jerks who I didn't want to date
let alone marry....

In my dream, the guy was a decent guy....
And he needed help. Asked me for help
because he needed help and trusted me to help him.
And wanted to leave me some money for helping him, 
but it was about helping him, not the money.

My income's been kept low for a long time
and people have judged me for it.

I just felt like "It's okay not to be rich."

Just like it's okay not to get married, or be married.
Even though it was something I used to want....
To get married, still don't GAF about being rich....

Sad that so many marry for money....
Sad that people who have money
think that EVERYONE just wants their money...

Whenever I was into a guy, I wasn't trying to get into his pockets.
I just wanted him to open up to me
and share some moments together....
That's all. Just connect....

In my dream, I was connecting to my "Boss"
because I was the only one who got him to open up.
He trusted me....

My son was opening up to me and trusted me.
And what did I do? I reported him.
Because he was talking about hurting people....
And I can't allow that or support that.

And my son thinks I just allowed others to hurt him....
If I had the proof and evidence etc,
I would have been able to do something about it.
And I tried to stand up for him before.
But they took him away without proof or evidence against me
Because apparently they can do whatever they want to
and they get away with it....
Which p*sses me off, too....

Anyway.... He doesn't know that I tried to fight for him.
And he doesn't know what happened as a result.

I wish he could see what it's been like for me. 
And he probably wishes that I could see
what it's been like for him.....

Wanted that special connection.
Although I wasn't really 'in love' 
with the guy I married in my dream.....
He needed me. And had nobody
from years and years and years of pushing people away.
Somehow, I helped him to open up.

Anyway, makes for nice dreams.....

Someone suggested a book to me about trauma recovery.
The link was to get it for free, a digital copy, 
but I went and bought a hard copy. 

Probably should focus more on reading
and pulling myself out of this rut I'm in.
And less on all the things that are going wrong in my life....

Just really feeling it.... It hits me hard....
This time, especially....

But I can't rely on people
who I can't rely on....

And that is why I just....
For the most part, stick to myself. 
I get a lot of ups and downs.... A lot.
Someone was trying to tell me that I'm bipolar....
Never was diagnosed as that. 
And he was telling me that I am. 
It turned into an argument
and he broke up with me....
Can't say it was ever going to last forever....

Guys tend to break up with me.

If I ever get married, it'd probably be
some sort of contract thing. 

I can't see anyone love me enough to want to marry me.
They wouldn't even take me on dates.
Except one guy... He was a good guy, 
and I broke it off with him....

I still kick myself for the way I was with him.
But I did quit drinking.....

Just wish I could have seen things
before I ruined things.

I couldn't see how things were for him.
Until it was too late.
He'll likely never speak to me again, either.

Many people won't ever speak to me again.
And that was my fault. In most cases.
I'll take the blame where it is mine.

And others have to f*ck up with me....
Whether they realize it or not, 
to have a chance to see what they were/are doing.

Usually by the time they see it, it's too late....
If someone had a genuine apology
and really wanted to try to set things right with me, 
I'd give them the chance to do that.

But it's like they act like I have no reason to be upset.
When I was stuck in it, and I wrote about it, 
I wrote about how it was for me.

And somehow they make their mistakes MY fault....
MY mistakes are MY fault.

I made my share of mistakes
AND I have to pay for them....
AND have been paying for them....
Maybe even for the rest of my life.
And it gets overwhelming.
Feeling like I f*cked up too badly.....
And feeling like I can't get out of it....

But I have to heal from things....
So do they....

And we are both still people....
Outside of each other.

Anyway, I am tired, maybe need more sleep.