Reckless Rebel

I'm sad. This isn't how I wanted things to go.
But I am the one who reacted the way that I did.
I can't see this as something fixable....

It's just really hurting....
And letting go is hard.
But I have to.
It's actually been kind of abusive in some regards....
Even so, it's been hard to let go.

The other night I thought about leaving....
And maybe that is my best bet....

Thought about starting again, somewhere new.

I really can't see my son forgiving me....
But I also know that I couldn't forgive myself
and I can't forgive myself for this....

I'm sad and angry lately. 
Disappointed in myself, 
but disappointed in general....

My heart's been broken many times...
Then when they try again, 
and things are working out.... I'm happy, really happy....
Happier than I've been in a long time, 
but things turned pretty fast....

And obviously I'm not happy about it.
And people are not happy with how I reacted to it....
Neither am I....

I want my son to chose a better path....
I want him to be happy
and he isn't happy having me in his life
because I spoke up about him wanting to hurt people.

Had I not spoken up about it....
And had he done something, how could I live with that?
Knowing that I could have said something?

And that is where I was coming from....

In my mind, I was trying to potentially protect others. 
And I can't protect him if he hurts anyone.
And I told him that.

I literally sacrificed my relationship with my son....
Whether I had it all wrong or what.... I did that.
And I'm pretty angry at myself for that....

Obviously, I didn't want to be rejected, 
but he didn't want to be betrayed....

It's so complicated. And painful.
For the both of us...

And I know he's angry because he's been hurt.
And he was crying out for help
and I wasn't helping him
the way he needed to be helped.
He needed my love.... Not for me to be scared.

And it is up to his father to know what he is doing.....
Since he lives with his father 
and has lived with his father for quite some time. 
And that wasn't up to me.
Wasn't my choice.

Anyway, I just can't see it getting set right now.
He just thinks I'm crazy, 
but this has been making me crazy....

Not being in my son's life is crushing me....
I just don't want him to hurt himself, or anyone else....

This has been melting my brain.

I've started counselling. So I hope it helps. 
I'm having a hard time. 

It took me a long time to even talk about it....
This is pretty painful....

I can't say that he'll ever talk to me again
after that report....
He said he won't ever talk to me again....
I know he's really angry...

I have to stop writing about it on here.
I already wrote about it before. 
A bunch of times....

A bunch of mixed feelings....
Don't know if I should stay here...

If my location changed, 
I'd probably still feel like this....

My friends have hope that my son will come around. 
That things might change for the better between us
over time.... I don't know.

That guy at the hospital told me
that time is on my side.....

He also told me that there's something bigger than us
that knew ahead of time
exactly what I was going to do....

Like it was all a part of destiny or something...

I just have bad feelings about some things.
And those are not going away....

And it's hard to feel okay.... I just don't.

Maybe I shouldn't write for a while. IDK.