Help & Protection

 The paranormal detector thing registered some things....
I was watching a show where they do some investigations...
One word was "gate" and the guys were exploring
an abandoned military base....
And someone was following them
and there was a gate that was left open, so they went through it...
Then later on they came across it and it was locked....

Then it registered a few names.
One was a name of someone who'd sent me a few emails
and I was checking my emails at the time.
So that was kind of spooky.

Then there was another one that happens to be my middle name.

The last name came through... It is a name
that I gave to a toy hippo that my son and I used to play a game with.
Also it's a name of a lady who works at the kitchen
that I used to take shifts at.

Thought about going back and taking more shifts.
I wanted to, but told them I'd been at the hospital
and they wanted me to give it more time
before I took a shift because they are being extra careful.
Because of covid....

I tried to sleep for a bit without a sleeping pill, 
but I just can't sleep very well.

I get the feeling that the guy that was
stringing me along, got strung along.
Whether he realizes it or not, 
at least I wasn't the one who did that to him, 
he did that to me.

Then he came around to talk to me, 
but I had enough of the breadcrumbing etc.

And I just have had enough of trying to date.
Not just because of this, 
but I have enough stress in my life.
To try to find "love"
on top of what I've been going through....

Sleeping naturally would be nice....

Sometimes I think that sleeping next to someone I trust....
Would help... But I'm not looking for anyone.
I used to trust some people in the past
who turned out couldn't be trusted, 
so why would I put myself through that again?

All of this is from people I can't trust.
Who I wanted to be able to trust....
Who don't trust me.....

And that is part of why I can't trust them....
Because I got scared and reported them....

But I only did it
because I got scared that someone might get hurt....
And now I might be one of those people
who might get hurt
and the people I went to tell....
They can't do f*ck all 
and they can't help me.

They can only take me to the hospital
apparently....

I got to sleep pretty well at the hospital....
Because it's safe there.
Because only my friend knew where I was
until the hospital called my parents....

Anyway, I just wrote about the hospital
and the paranormal detector thing
just registered the word "hospital."

Maybe the guy who strung me along
will know how it feels
for being strung along.... It hurts, don't it?

And I feel like his "ex" trapped him
with two kids, like hole in the condoms
type of devious stuff....

To keep him on her string....

I'm likely not to have any more kids.
I miss my son, 
but the way he's been treating me
has been abusive....

I still love my son, but I can't sleep....
It's taken a toll on me.

I'm not the same person who was trying to date....
So I can't see myself dating again....

And doesn't help that the last guy I loved
hurt me in so many ways 
that I can't even go there....

Well, I loved another guy after that mess, 
but he's not talking to me much anymore....

He likely thinks I'm crazy....
Seems that way with most guys....

Either they get to know me or they don't, 
but I'm a f*cking mess now....
So.... They can do better than this mess....
And I want him to be happy. 
I want every guy I ever loved to just be happy....

And I'd like to heal from all of it
and be happy, too.
I'm just really hurt. Pretty badly.

And I hurt others pretty badly....
A lot of remorse for things I couldn't see.

They were my test and I was their test.

And things didn't come out right.
And now I can't sleep at night....

Just sad that things didn't come out right.
But that's how karma works....

When we f*ck up, things get f*cked up.

And I f*cked up more than a few times.
Now things are upside down 
and just.... FUBAR.....

And at least I'm honest about it....
And who would want me now?
That I completely destroyed my life?
That I'm losing my mind?

Like why would they want "WTF?"
Why would they want a broken mess?

F*cking dumpster fire....

But at least I'm honest.
At least I'm not pretending to have it together
just to try to lure someone into this....

Because things took a turn.....
Down a road I never wanted to go down....
But I'm down this road anyway.....

Anyone who'd want me
might be someone who needs me
to take care of them....
Knowing they have a terminal illness....
Who wants to leave me money 
for taking care of them.....

But like I said, I'm not about the money.
Love is taking care of someone.

And nobody is about to take this mess on
to take care of me....
But they might think that about themselves
if they are in a bad state....

And I'm already losing everything and everyone....
So what do I have left to lose and who?

This place that doesn't feel like home anymore?
People who don't make me feel safe anymore?

Funny how that guy strung me along
because he didn't want me with anyone else....
While he was with whoever tf he was messing with....
While I wasn't messing with anyone....

And after it was over, I was only talking to someone
who was helping me get over all that heartbreak....
And he did....

But I have this other heartbreak
that I don't see an end to.....
And it's not romantic.....

ROMANCE IS DEAD.
I F*CKED UP ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT....

I just wish that I could sleep through the night.
And spend the rest of my days....
In a way that feels okay....
I just wish for "okay"
even though my world doesn't feel "okay" anymore.

Because what I thought was "okay" wasn't.
And I'm seeing how not "okay" it is.

I'm not using my skills or talents
or anything.
I'm just f*cking shocked to hell....
And just.... I can't even explain this fully....

I just was seeking help and protection....

I'm not looking for "love" anymore.