Aware Of This

 Still don't know what I saw in the window last night.
I hadn't taken any sleeping meds before I saw it
so it wasn't some drug induced illucination. 
Still don't know if it was something outside the window
or if it was a reflection... 
If it was a reflection, I didn't see anything in the room. 

I know it sounds crazy, but I saw something white, 
in the window and it 'fluttered'
before it disappeared.

Something I never saw before.... 
This whole time I've lived here. 

Still wondering what it was....

Watched some exploration videos today
and some deep web mystery box unboxings.

I keep wondering if the boxes are full of clues
and evidence of actual murders....
If so, they should turn them over to the police. 

One guy had trackers in his box
and it said on the tracker
not to turn them on, 
but he did anyway...
And they snap a picture and sends your location
to someone's phone... Not a smart move. 
He also got a voice recorder thing, 
and he had some hard drives....

And coordinates on pieces of paper.

I think the things came from other people
who had opened the box before he did.

Maybe they were tracked with the tracker thing....

Supposedly some mystery boxes contain murder weapons....


I started watching dybbuk box openings.
They open boxes that supposedly contain demons.

Still using tarot videos to help me sleep at night.
And that medication that knocks me out.

Not sure if they actually contain demons....
If they do, then people are setting them free...

But I don't see evidence of it....

That's the thing, I don't get to see a lot of evidence.
Of certain things.

Like interest from guys.
I'll see it for a bit, then they drop off
because other girls grab their interest.
Or they lose interest....

Or they don't know how to approach me....
Or they get approached by someone else....

Or I'm going through something
that I have to deal with alone.....
Because they can't fix me
or fix whatever's going on in my life....

And others want to stay out of it.
And I can't blame them. 
Because it's too much for them
and it's too much for me....

And we just break away from each other.
Because they can't fix it
and I have to fix it
and I don't know how to fix it....
And I might not be able to fix it....

And I can't change it
because I f*cked it up too much
when it was already pretty f*cked up
to begin with....
Due to my past f*ck ups....

Even though those feelings are there, 
we can't connect in the ways we used to....
Because I'm so f*cked from how f*cked the situation I'm in....

And apparently I'm so f*cked 
that I don't know how f*cked I am....

So I just can't have something
even if it could be something good....

And so they give up on me....

It's like I have nothing, 
or I have to make changes
that I don't know how to make.....
And that I can't make right away.....

And I just end up alone anyway, 
so I just have nothing, alone.

And it's like I have to give everything up.
And everything gives up on me....

And I'm just stuck....

So here I am.... Feeling like this. Always. 
Like I'm only good sometimes, 
depending on how my life is going....

And that just keeps me where I'm at.....
Because when things are okay, and I'm 'ready'
to start something.... It only lasts so long
because there's always someone better than me
and they can get with them easily
or they were with them the whole time, anyway....

And when I find out, I feel like I never mattered....
While still feeling like there's unfinished business....

I can't stay where there's something toxic, 
but it's not 100% my fault that it's toxic or crazy....
Or too much for me.
It's only my fault when I'm too much for someone else.

And that is because they don't know how to handle me.
And usually because they don't talk to me
About something that we need to discuss....

It'd be nice to be the one they choose and chose, 
like they are the one I choose and chose....

But it has to be worked on after that.
Work needs to be put into it.
Not just a one-sided thing....

And when they make it clear to me
that they don't want me, 
and they want someone else.....

I drop TF off.
I also drop TF off when I just can't be with anyone.
When things get too f*cked up for me.

When I'm pretty sure nobody could love me.
Through the sh*t I'm going through.

But like when someone is putting me through sh*t....
I don't have to stay and just take that sh*t.
And be put through that sh*t. 
No matter how much I love the person. 
If they loved me, they wouldn't 
put me through that sh*t....
So I drop TF off.

And they can go do that sh*t to someone else.
Until they drop TF off
and then they can sit there, alone, 
and wonder wtf they are doing wrong
that girls drop TF off.

I mean, if you never change your ways
and expect others to change theirs, 
then sh*t's going to hit the fan....
Eventually. 
No matter how much they love each other....
Wouldn't they want to do
what they need to do to make things work?
And not just make it work, 
but make it so it gets better and better.....

To keep the connection ALIVE.
And not shake it, and drop it on its head....

To be and keep on the same page
and keep up with each other....

Anyway, I know what an ideal relationship would look like....
Something that they don't sacrifice, or I don't. 
And when it is called into question, 
we both produce answers....

And when we get our guards up, 
we both try to get each other to take them down.....

But anyway, I know what it looks like, 
but never really had the opportunities
to put things into practice.
I get pretty frustrated with guys.
They get pretty frustrated with me. 
Especially, when I'm not at a great place in my life....

When I'm hurting....
When they caused my pain.... 
Or aggrevated me in some way....
Or fight me all the way, no matter what I do....

But I have a history of doing stupid things....

Even though I want to have something, 
and want to make it work. 
I feel like I can't because I already f*cked up....
Or I'm in deep pain....

And often just want to f*cking die.....

That doesn't scream "dream girl."

So I just throw my hands up, they give up, 
and I'm left alone to just fix what I can....
If I can.... On my own.....

No matter how I feel about whoever.....
I have to kill those feelings pretty fast
because those feelings tend to kill me....
Slowly, painfully.... Relentlessly....

And I have had enough REJECTION
to last me the rest of my life
so no matter how nice it feels at the beginning, 
when there is a bit of interest etc....

I can't do that to myself
or let them do it to me. 
Because I will and they will.
And I know how it feels.....
And I'd rather not feel that again and again and again. 
BECAUSE IT F*CKING HURTS
WHEN THEY HAVE OTHER OPTIONS
AND IF I'M AN OPTION, 
I'M ONLY EVER GOING TO BE THAT.....
SO WHY TF SHOULD I GO THERE?
BECAUSE IT FEELS NICE
UNTIL IT JUST.... WHATEVER....???

 And I'm going through a rough time.....
a lot of pain, fear, anxiety, stigma....
Mental illness on top of more rejection
and failure.... And anger. Directed at me
when I'm the one being disappointed, too.
It's not just them being disappointed by me.....

But they want to make it about how I f*cked up.
Not how they f*ck up..... Too.

It's just about ME and what I did....
Not what they said, or how they treated ME.....
They can only see their side....
Not mine....

So I just have to suffer from their mistakes
while they make it all about MY mistakes....

And this is why I can't go there....
And that is why I can't have anything....
Even though it was nice at the beginnng. 
When I was a different person.....
When I wasn't as affected....
Or f*cking jaded....

Or when I was doing better in my life....
When I was closer to being ready.....
When I was willing to give it my ALL, 
but THEY WEREN'T.
SO THAT'S SOMEHOW MY FAULT, TOO.

Yes, I'd like to be loved, be in love, 
something nice, for a change....

But I can't drag anyone into my mess.

And all the feelings I had and still have....
They have to die with the pieces of me that have died, 
or they have to go DEEP into the vault.....
Never to see the light of day again....
Or until someone puts the time and effort in....
And keeps putting in the time and effort....

And doesn't keep me guessing....
Doesn't keep me waiting while they go f*ck whoever....

Because if they are into someone else, 
they aren't into me.

And if they could break my heart so easily, 
they never wanted my heart.

And my heart comes with the package that is me. 
And unfortunately, mental illness comes wth
the package that is me, too. 

I'm the kind of girl who HAS to KNOW
what's on your mind.....
What your plans are.....
Just as much as someone else
wants to know if they should put the time & effort in.....
I want to know, too. If I should. Or not.

Like if a guy makes me wait too long
while they have something else going on....
AND THEY LIE ABOUT HAVING SOMETHING ELSE......
Then WHY should I stick around?

Just to be run into the ground?

I don't need to stick around for that.
Neither do they.
So they can go ahead and run away....

And just leave me alone....
Like they tend to do anyway......

Because what people hear about me
isn't always true.....
But you ASK me, I will TELL you.

If they want to be and stay single, 
they can do that. 
They do not need to play with my emotions. 

And if they are going through something, tell me.
And they need to be patient with me
while I'm going through something, 
or they need to just drop TF off.

Anyway, I wrote about this stuff before.
I went in enough circles with potential partners.....

When they didn't and don't know how they really feel. 
Or didn't and don't know how I really feel. 
Even though I'm pretty open with how I feel. 

And sometimes I can't or don't know how to tell people.
And sometimes they can't or don't know how to tell me.

But I have been rejected enough 
to even want to go there. 
For the foreseeable future. 
I have enough I need to try to work out.
Which is why I need to go to counselling. 
And get as much help as I can get.....

So that I can try to piece myself back together
after a lot of sh*t that I just don't know how to handle
and already handled pretty f*cking poorly....

But whatever. Lots of pain.... Sadness, just a lot of stuff. 
That I've never had to go through before.....
And that would be hard for anyone....

But at the same time, I'm not at a great place.
Ideally, they'd want someone to have their sh*t together....
They'd want someone strong enough
where they don't have to be the strong one all the time....

I don't go to someone just because I don't have anything....
To someone who has something.....
Ideally, I'd like to have some things already set up for myself, 
doing good, feeling good....

So that they might think that I'm worth investing in.....
Because ideally, I'd be investing in myself.....
Pulling myself out of the void....
So that they don't think that I expect them to do that for me.....

But I am aware that there are others they'd rather invest in. 
Who would probably be better investments....
Than someone who has mental illness....
And has a lot of issues.....

Anyway, I'm okay with being alone. 
Because it hurts less than rejection. 
And assumptions that I'm only looking for money...
If I was all about the money, I'd have plenty of my own.

That's not what I've been after or looking for.
When I was looking.....

Acceptance, understanding etc.
Someone who wants the opportunity with me. 
Who has feelings for me, too. 
A mutual thing. 

But.... I'm not in the space for that now. 
I might not be, again. 
Because I've been forever changed.
By a lot of things others put me through, 
and I put them through.... 
And I'm still going through.....
Painful sh*t.....

I don't want to take a leap of faith
if it's going to be a risk. 
And nobody else does, when it comes to me. 
I'm aware of this. 
I want them to be aware of this, too.