Lot of Work To Do

I've decided what path I'm on.
But that doesn't stop me from veering off from time to time.
I caught myself making judgments today.
I made them and can't take them back.
It's going to take a lot of work to leave that frame of mind behind.
Judging is easy to do, stopping it isn't as easy as just stopping.
Or maybe it is, but it's like everything else, I guess.
When you practice something, you become good at it.
What I've practiced up until now, I've been good at.
It's time to practice other ways of thinking and being now.
Which starts with awareness. Mindfulness.
Even mindfulness has to be practiced.

We don't just suddenly 'wake up' and become mindful.
We have to become actively aware. Daily.

It's such a huge change and I feel like I'm changing a bit every day.
There was a quote today, that I read off a tag on a tea bag of all places...

"Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished."
-Lao Tzu

It takes years for trees to grow.
What a difference between an acorn and a huge tree!

Today has been one of those days where I feel like things are...
I can't really even express it.
It's like I'm being given reasons to have some faith and believe.
Yesterday I was thinking "I want to believe in something,
but I don't know what to believe."
Miracles are something to believe in. They happen every day.
Except there is a focus on other things lately.
We can choose what we focus on, though.
We don't have to focus on what everyone else is focusing on.
That is a lot of energy being directed in one direction.
That's not where I want my energy directed.
I know there's more to life than this.
I know it without needing to see it first. I can feel it and have felt it.
It's hard to explain.
There's so much more than what we can see.
Things that I can't explain.

For an example, one of my friends is having some experiences
at a house she is working in (renovation).
It's not just her having these experiences.
It started with feelings of being watched while she was working.
Then she saw the chandelier swinging.

When the roofing guys came, they had the offer to stay overnight,
since the house is unoccupied and they were from out of town.
They stayed and the taps of the sink turned on by themselves
and the sink was overflowing.

My friend has been there by herself and things have happened.
Whatever it is, can mimic her boss' voice,
and calls her by name from downstairs.
Yet she is the only one there when that happens.

The radio has changed stations and has been unplugged.
Their phones and electronics have had issues.
They've heard foot steps, moans, whistling...
They heard a scrape kind of noise against the floor
and they went to go look, her boss and her...
They saw all the chairs pushed out from the table.
Her hammer has gone missing and she found it in another room.
She even saw a ghostly face in the window.
All these experiences are more than just coincidence to me.
I really do believe in ghosts and spirits. I know not everyone does.
That is fine with me. I'm not here to convince anyone.
I'm just writing about the experiences she's told me about.
I totally believe that there's more than we can see.
There's more to life than we know.

But, this isn't all about ghosts... It was an example.
Of there being more than we can see.
Just because we can't always see things, or can't see them,
doesn't mean they aren't there.
That goes for so much more than ghosts.
That's the only way I can explain it at the moment.
Of course there's so much more to it than that.
There's so much more to know that I don't know.
But am I ready to know?
I feel like I'm preparing for a bigger part of the journey.
Have you ever felt that way before?
It's exciting and scary at the same time.
But I feel good about it.
My future is unfolding every day.
And each day that I live, it becomes my past.
It's more like I'm here to convince myself
that there's no reasons to be scared. Or to worry.
Because things are happening the way they are supposed to.
Even if what happens isn't 'right' or I made a mistake,
or I f*cked up. I know I will f*ck up,
but I'm supposed to. Because I'm not perfect.
I'm not here to be perfect.
Or to convince anyone that I'm perfect, because I'm not.
I'm here to live my life, and others are here to live theirs.
But I can change my life, completely.
By letting go of things that keep weighing me down.
I don't need to be tied to a rock.
Unless that rock is my foundation. My strength.

By not being perfect, people have a choice
of whether or not to forgive me for not being perfect.

I know I have a lot of work to do.
Part of me wants to have all of it done already.
Another part knows it's a lot of work and feels a bit overwhelmed.
Another part doesn't know where to start.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."
What is the first step? Where do I go from here?
How do I start?
It's like being given the keys to a brand new car,
a car that anyone would be happy to have,
but not knowing how to drive!
(I never learned to drive)
A part of me kind of wants to experience that freedom,
but another part of me is scared of accidentally causing an accident.
That might accidentally kill someone.
I don't want to be responsible for someone's death.
It's almost like the universe saved my friend today
to show me that I don't have to be afraid of that.
Because he lived. He survived. He's okay.
I believe everything has a meaning. It's more than what meets the eye.
But of course we give it the meaning it has. Or do we?
I think we do, but I've been wrong before.

There's so much more to everything.