Where do I start? My emotions are all over the map and have been for quite some time. Some are really good feelings. Others are those feelings I wish I had control over so that I could deal with them better. You know how people keep saying that it's better if you can let go of the past and move on and that you can only move on if you can let go of the past? That is something I am struggling with. Big time.
Easter is one of those times that is hard. I know I've written about it before. A few times. About my father... He died on Easter Sunday. Years ago. It still bothers me. I have a hard time letting go. Even though I'm not angry at him anymore. I used to be so angry and hate the world. Because nothing in it was 'fair'. It's still not 'fair', but I don't hate it so much anymore. There used to be such rage inside me. For lots of reasons, but I guess it has been replaced with other things.
All the emptiness is filled with anxiety for the most part. I'm super anxious about the future. Been too nostalgic about the past. Nostalgia can be good sometimes, but mostly it just makes me feel a bit nauseated. Whenever a song comes on the radio or whatever and it triggers certain memories or feelings (often both). It makes me feel so homesick for the past. As much as I hate admitting that.
One night, when I was at work, I remembered a guy I used to date. Well, not really 'date' because we never went on any dates.... I remember him asking me to wait for him or him saying he'd wait for me... Until I was old enough to get my own place and we were going to get a place together... I don't know what made me think of him... But once I started, it was hard to stop. I kept getting those "What if..." thoughts... The "I wonder how he's doing..." thoughts.... I remember how he disappeared from my life and when he came back, I was with someone and I remember him asking me if I was happy... I thought I was... At the time I thought I was in love...
I often wonder what would have happened or what could have been... If certain circumstances were different. If I hadn't gotten off the streets when I did... If I hadn't finished school.... If I had waited for him... If I had waited any longer for anything... It seems that all I do is wait and keep waiting for some opportunity to come my way, but at the same time by waiting, I keep missing the very opportunities I am waiting for. If that makes any sense. I can't keep waiting and wondering for the rest of my life. I can't keep holding onto the past either. Just cannot help thinking of people when a song comes on the radio... There are a couple songs that remind me of my father. I haven't heard them lately, but one song I heard tonight brought all kinds of memories back to me. Not of my father, but of the person the song reminds me of...
I just wish I could listen to any song without thinking of times, people, and places. I wish I could learn to let go of the past so that it can let go of me. It haunts me and sometimes I think it always will. I could wish that I could let everything go and just live for today. Not worry so much about the future... Not think so much about the past. I think it poisons me a bit each time I go back to it. I feel like I'm missing something from those times. I don't feel quite 'right'. Hard to explain.
I learned a few thing from the past and I am where I am today because of everything I've been through. I have gained everything I have now because of what I've lost back then. I sacrificed to achieve a better standard of living, even if it's still not where I hope to be in the next 5-10 years... I can always hope and wish for something better. I went from living on the edge, to living hand to mouth, to just kind of existing. I do want much more than this... But at the same time, I should just be thankful and appreciate how far I have come.
If someone asked me right now, even tomorrow, what do I need to be happy.... I really couldn't describe what I think I would need to achieve the state of bliss I dreamed about for so many years. I kept thinking.... Just to be married would be enough for me to be happy... (Going back to the last 5 years). Now, I know how easily it is to be fooled by 'love' and that it is not perfect. There might not be a 'match' for me. Also I am not ready to fall in love again. This time I know that I'm not ready. I'm still hung up in the past. I still get confused with my emotions being all up in the air like they have been for so long. I'm still very dependent on others when I should be self sufficient by now. Independent.
What if I had the perfect job? Would that be enough to make me happy? I think about that sometimes. Having some job that allows me to work on my own as well as in a team (sometimes). Kinda getting sick of the job I have now because of some of the people I work with... Bossy, nosy... I'm only working part time there. I'd like to work full time, but not there. I haven't worked full time for a long time. I always felt guilty about not seeing my kid enough when I was working full time. Being with him became more important to me than the money was. Money is nice to have, but at what cost?
I imagine that to be genuinely happy in my life, I would need to have a balance of all areas. Balance has never been my strong point. Ever. It all comes down to management. I need to manage my time, my thoughts, my emotions, all of it. Maybe then I could achieve some balance. Then, maybe I will be happier and even satisfied.
Easter is one of those times that is hard. I know I've written about it before. A few times. About my father... He died on Easter Sunday. Years ago. It still bothers me. I have a hard time letting go. Even though I'm not angry at him anymore. I used to be so angry and hate the world. Because nothing in it was 'fair'. It's still not 'fair', but I don't hate it so much anymore. There used to be such rage inside me. For lots of reasons, but I guess it has been replaced with other things.
All the emptiness is filled with anxiety for the most part. I'm super anxious about the future. Been too nostalgic about the past. Nostalgia can be good sometimes, but mostly it just makes me feel a bit nauseated. Whenever a song comes on the radio or whatever and it triggers certain memories or feelings (often both). It makes me feel so homesick for the past. As much as I hate admitting that.
One night, when I was at work, I remembered a guy I used to date. Well, not really 'date' because we never went on any dates.... I remember him asking me to wait for him or him saying he'd wait for me... Until I was old enough to get my own place and we were going to get a place together... I don't know what made me think of him... But once I started, it was hard to stop. I kept getting those "What if..." thoughts... The "I wonder how he's doing..." thoughts.... I remember how he disappeared from my life and when he came back, I was with someone and I remember him asking me if I was happy... I thought I was... At the time I thought I was in love...
I often wonder what would have happened or what could have been... If certain circumstances were different. If I hadn't gotten off the streets when I did... If I hadn't finished school.... If I had waited for him... If I had waited any longer for anything... It seems that all I do is wait and keep waiting for some opportunity to come my way, but at the same time by waiting, I keep missing the very opportunities I am waiting for. If that makes any sense. I can't keep waiting and wondering for the rest of my life. I can't keep holding onto the past either. Just cannot help thinking of people when a song comes on the radio... There are a couple songs that remind me of my father. I haven't heard them lately, but one song I heard tonight brought all kinds of memories back to me. Not of my father, but of the person the song reminds me of...
I just wish I could listen to any song without thinking of times, people, and places. I wish I could learn to let go of the past so that it can let go of me. It haunts me and sometimes I think it always will. I could wish that I could let everything go and just live for today. Not worry so much about the future... Not think so much about the past. I think it poisons me a bit each time I go back to it. I feel like I'm missing something from those times. I don't feel quite 'right'. Hard to explain.
I learned a few thing from the past and I am where I am today because of everything I've been through. I have gained everything I have now because of what I've lost back then. I sacrificed to achieve a better standard of living, even if it's still not where I hope to be in the next 5-10 years... I can always hope and wish for something better. I went from living on the edge, to living hand to mouth, to just kind of existing. I do want much more than this... But at the same time, I should just be thankful and appreciate how far I have come.
If someone asked me right now, even tomorrow, what do I need to be happy.... I really couldn't describe what I think I would need to achieve the state of bliss I dreamed about for so many years. I kept thinking.... Just to be married would be enough for me to be happy... (Going back to the last 5 years). Now, I know how easily it is to be fooled by 'love' and that it is not perfect. There might not be a 'match' for me. Also I am not ready to fall in love again. This time I know that I'm not ready. I'm still hung up in the past. I still get confused with my emotions being all up in the air like they have been for so long. I'm still very dependent on others when I should be self sufficient by now. Independent.
What if I had the perfect job? Would that be enough to make me happy? I think about that sometimes. Having some job that allows me to work on my own as well as in a team (sometimes). Kinda getting sick of the job I have now because of some of the people I work with... Bossy, nosy... I'm only working part time there. I'd like to work full time, but not there. I haven't worked full time for a long time. I always felt guilty about not seeing my kid enough when I was working full time. Being with him became more important to me than the money was. Money is nice to have, but at what cost?
I imagine that to be genuinely happy in my life, I would need to have a balance of all areas. Balance has never been my strong point. Ever. It all comes down to management. I need to manage my time, my thoughts, my emotions, all of it. Maybe then I could achieve some balance. Then, maybe I will be happier and even satisfied.
Recently, close friends of mine split up. One moved on quite quickly and the other is stuck in the past. Honestly, it's really hard to watch the friend stuck in the past. As much as the past gets you to where you are now, you can't go back and change it so that's why people say you shouldn't dwell on the past. The past is useful for informing you on decisions you'll make now and in the future. So many people wait around for the past to not hurt so much that they don't do anything about their future...My advice is the path forward is the path to happiness. Try to forget the past...go Zen - that is all Glasshoppa :P
ReplyDeleteAs long as the desire is there to move on, the possibility exists. I shouldn't dwell in the past. I know I shouldn't. I want to do something about my future. I just have to figure out what that something that I need to do is. I know that it's a matter of taking one step at a time, but I keep wanting to do everything at once and that is why the first steps cannot be taken. Got a lot of thinking to do.
ReplyDeleteI read somewhere that all human beings only have a set amount of willpower. If that's true then maybe there's something small you could change about your life to give you that extra "oomph" to start? Maybe something to think about? In any case change, is always slow. Us, having only limited will power seems like a good explanation to me as to why we simply can't just make the life we want in a short time.
ReplyDeleteThat makes perfect sense, Sean! I hadn't thought of that before. I do have some willpower though, or 'determination'. And I have patience. Especially when it comes to knitting and seeing a project through in that sense. Maybe I do need that extra 'oomph'. Gotta push myself extra hard and be creative about it!
ReplyDeleteWhat I find interesting about it is that they're basically saying we have like, for example, 10 or some other number of points of willpower. So if we want to make a change, and we've used up all our willpower for the day or week or whatever, we can't make the change we want...It's almost like a video game. What I wonder is, if we can increase our willpower and how we can do that. I'm using up a lot of my "points" these days on trying to exercise and eat healthy...some days though I feel like I've got nothing left! :(
ReplyDeleteWhere do you read this stuff? Is what I wanna know! It does make sense that willpower is limited. Even more so for some than for others. A lot of things are starting to 'click' over the last few days. Especially today. I totally felt like I was in the right place at the right time... (I'll write a post about that in a bit).
ReplyDeleteHere's an article from one of my favourite websites:
ReplyDeletehttp://lifehacker.com/5976595/improve-your-willpower-by-tapping-into-the-long+term-planning-part-of-your-brain
They address both sides of the coin in linked articles which you can read and decide for yourself about willpower. However, Lifehacker is an awesome site which always has really interesting things to read through..you have to decide for yourself if what they say is good but at the very least it gives you stuff to think about and at it's best easy ways to overcome challenges. I'm following all sorts of blogs like that so I see all kinds of stuff and different opinions. I try to keep an open mind about things like that.