I said I'd write a post about this. I'm kinda stalling. I have to do something I don't really want to do. I have to go to the hospital. I'm going to give myself a chance and go to a different hospital though because of what happened to me last time I went. This is why I'm stalling too. I don't expect any results. I expect it to be the same thing as I went through before... This is why I don't want to go
Anyway, having said that....
Introspection... I feel there is a great deal of that here. I feel I'm being honest here. Sometimes to my detriment. Maybe revealing too much of myself. How I think, how I feel. Why I think this, why I feel that. Also with the retrospection. I tell you pretty much everything that goes on in my life. Pretty much, for I still have my secrets. My blog posts sometimes may as well start: Dear Diary.... When I'm in writing mode pretty much anything can come out and this is how I sort through these thoughts and feelings, examining them, for all these strangers to read. As personal as it is sometimes. Most of the time. Because this is what helps me. Frankly, I do not care what other people think of me after they read this stuff because maybe they can't be as honest with themselves about their lives. At least I'm being real in the only way I know how to be. Through words. Words based on real thoughts and real feelings. The real thought and real feelings of a real person. If someone really wants to judge me for it, they may as well look in a mirror and point fingers at themselves. Any judgement you make on someone can easily be applied to yourself by you or by someone else. Only people who make those judgements rarely stop to think about that. Maybe, just maybe I judge myself way worse than anyone could possibly judge me. Maybe that is why I CAN be as honest as I am. Maybe, just maybe that's what the world needs more of anyway: Honesty.
I keep thinking of how all the people in my life I was supposed to be able to trust have been lying to me all or most of my life. Probably because these same people keep lying to THEMSELVES. Good at pretending. Make believe. They are fooling themselves. Literally. Without seeming to care about themselves. Or about others. The thing is that they make it look like they put all the value in the world on themselves, yet they cannot honestly face themselves in the mirror and ask themselves WHY they LIE. These are the same people who lie without consciously thinking about what they are saying. I guess they can't ask themselves why they lie if they don't realize they are lying. The reason I feel I am honest is because more than once I've admitted to things I didn't want to admit to. I'm one to say what I think about it, how I feel about it. This is the only place I have always done that. Just most people in my life don't even know this blog exists. They'll all find out when I die what kind of person I really was. Will I be mourned, maybe by only a few, but I honestly feel that none of them know the real me. If they knew me on the inside all the people who have refused to accept me in my life might just change their minds. Just saying that because I can feel something inside trying and unable to get out. The trust isn't there.
I know I should go to the hospital today and I think I'll go. This has been ongoing since February and I was told by two doctors, two different things. Inconclusive test results. But I don't want to have any more experiences like: "It's not our fault if you have cancer!" Public embarrassment makes me stay at home more. Negative events keep me home more. I can't waste my life in this one room. Day after day after day. Nor do I want to. But this is SAFE. Here nobody can say things to me like: "It's not our fault if you have cancer." (which I don't even know if I have because they wouldn't help me at the hospital.) Not knowing is the worst thing. When I first found the lumps in my breasts.... It's all I could think about, that this might be killing me. "I could die because of lumps in my breasts." Is what I thought continuously all day every day, until I got them checked the first time and they said they didn't see anything 'wrong' with them. Except the lumps which don't 'seem' to be malignant. But what about one day where there could be a chance that something changes? It could. I know that. Then here comes an arrogant doctor saying: "It's not our fault if you have cancer!" Are we not supposed to be able to trust those in authority? Then the ones in authority treat people who are supposed to trust them like that?
This is an example of what happens to me: negative event = self doubt = reluctance = struggle .... But I could be more resilient, like other people are... How I wish it could be just that simple. I wish I had gone to the hospital about this weeks ago instead of STILL having to BE HERE, waiting, unsure what to do despite knowing what I should be doing. (only sometimes knowing what I should be doing). Yet, STILL not progressing in any way. Resisting the future because the past was crappy. There is a sort of hope I've been clinging to lately that allows me to see something at the end of the tunnel. But on the same note I keep wondering if it's not just me losing my mind.... Again. Ha ha! So I am going to get ready to go and hopefully find out what is wrong with me. I'll either have a better result than last time when I went for help or about the same. At least I can try to prepare myself in case it's something else.
Anyway, having said that....
Introspection... I feel there is a great deal of that here. I feel I'm being honest here. Sometimes to my detriment. Maybe revealing too much of myself. How I think, how I feel. Why I think this, why I feel that. Also with the retrospection. I tell you pretty much everything that goes on in my life. Pretty much, for I still have my secrets. My blog posts sometimes may as well start: Dear Diary.... When I'm in writing mode pretty much anything can come out and this is how I sort through these thoughts and feelings, examining them, for all these strangers to read. As personal as it is sometimes. Most of the time. Because this is what helps me. Frankly, I do not care what other people think of me after they read this stuff because maybe they can't be as honest with themselves about their lives. At least I'm being real in the only way I know how to be. Through words. Words based on real thoughts and real feelings. The real thought and real feelings of a real person. If someone really wants to judge me for it, they may as well look in a mirror and point fingers at themselves. Any judgement you make on someone can easily be applied to yourself by you or by someone else. Only people who make those judgements rarely stop to think about that. Maybe, just maybe I judge myself way worse than anyone could possibly judge me. Maybe that is why I CAN be as honest as I am. Maybe, just maybe that's what the world needs more of anyway: Honesty.
I keep thinking of how all the people in my life I was supposed to be able to trust have been lying to me all or most of my life. Probably because these same people keep lying to THEMSELVES. Good at pretending. Make believe. They are fooling themselves. Literally. Without seeming to care about themselves. Or about others. The thing is that they make it look like they put all the value in the world on themselves, yet they cannot honestly face themselves in the mirror and ask themselves WHY they LIE. These are the same people who lie without consciously thinking about what they are saying. I guess they can't ask themselves why they lie if they don't realize they are lying. The reason I feel I am honest is because more than once I've admitted to things I didn't want to admit to. I'm one to say what I think about it, how I feel about it. This is the only place I have always done that. Just most people in my life don't even know this blog exists. They'll all find out when I die what kind of person I really was. Will I be mourned, maybe by only a few, but I honestly feel that none of them know the real me. If they knew me on the inside all the people who have refused to accept me in my life might just change their minds. Just saying that because I can feel something inside trying and unable to get out. The trust isn't there.
I know I should go to the hospital today and I think I'll go. This has been ongoing since February and I was told by two doctors, two different things. Inconclusive test results. But I don't want to have any more experiences like: "It's not our fault if you have cancer!" Public embarrassment makes me stay at home more. Negative events keep me home more. I can't waste my life in this one room. Day after day after day. Nor do I want to. But this is SAFE. Here nobody can say things to me like: "It's not our fault if you have cancer." (which I don't even know if I have because they wouldn't help me at the hospital.) Not knowing is the worst thing. When I first found the lumps in my breasts.... It's all I could think about, that this might be killing me. "I could die because of lumps in my breasts." Is what I thought continuously all day every day, until I got them checked the first time and they said they didn't see anything 'wrong' with them. Except the lumps which don't 'seem' to be malignant. But what about one day where there could be a chance that something changes? It could. I know that. Then here comes an arrogant doctor saying: "It's not our fault if you have cancer!" Are we not supposed to be able to trust those in authority? Then the ones in authority treat people who are supposed to trust them like that?
This is an example of what happens to me: negative event = self doubt = reluctance = struggle .... But I could be more resilient, like other people are... How I wish it could be just that simple. I wish I had gone to the hospital about this weeks ago instead of STILL having to BE HERE, waiting, unsure what to do despite knowing what I should be doing. (only sometimes knowing what I should be doing). Yet, STILL not progressing in any way. Resisting the future because the past was crappy. There is a sort of hope I've been clinging to lately that allows me to see something at the end of the tunnel. But on the same note I keep wondering if it's not just me losing my mind.... Again. Ha ha! So I am going to get ready to go and hopefully find out what is wrong with me. I'll either have a better result than last time when I went for help or about the same. At least I can try to prepare myself in case it's something else.
Best of luck to you ...I hope all is OK
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