Whether it's Weather Or Not

Weather can be funny sometimes. The last few days have been pretty hot. Like 30+ Celsius. I don't know why the metric system is different for the United States...

Today was rainy and yucky. I didn't feel good today. Just tired and grumpy all day long. I have a hard time sleeping at night. Getting to sleep is the hardest thing, unless I'm just so exhausted. Sometimes I'm so exhausted that I just can't sleep. Since I've been off those medications I feel extremely anxious at night. I often stay up all night. It's insomnia or something.

Anyway, today I went to see that doctor and she was surprised I went off those pills. She said that the pills are only meant to help. The thing is with those is that if I missed taking them for a day or two, I felt REALLY SICK. Headaches turned into migraines... She was trying to tell me the migraines weren't from taking the pills. How does she know if she's never taken them? I want to know why doctors think they know how medications affect people when they never took them themselves. It's like CA telling me how I should raise my kid when the worker they STUCK ME WITH doesn't have any kids. You can't read about parenting and child rearing and think you know all there is to know about being a parent (without actually being one). It doesn't work that way.

I have to admit and I will admit right now, that I didn't know much about parenting before I had my own kid. Even babysitting didn't really prepare me for motherhood.

Anyways... She was trying to compare depression to diabetes which is WAAAAYYYY OFF! I thought about Sean when she said that and it really made me mad. Depression and diabetes are two different things. She was trying to compare them because she was talking about deficiencies. Just because I have a chemical deficiency in my brain (so she says about depression) doesn't mean adding chemicals from pills is going to help. I've tried a few different anti-depressants and I found that one of the worst ones is Zoloft which the doctors had me on when I was like 13 or 14. I think that due to taking that, I have some long term effects. It's been over a month since I took any of the pills and I still have 'tracers'. You can't tell me that it's good to take pills that affect your brain that way. If it were up to me, nobody would be taking sh*t like Zoloft. Or Effexor. Both are bad news.

Some people may think they have to keep taking it when their bodies start to actually need it to function. I was like that for a long time. All psychiatrists have ever done for me has been to give me pills. They are supposed to offer some sort of counselling not just pills. I feel like I'm wasting my time seeing this doctor. I feel like I only still go to see her to tell CA that I'm still going to those appointments. They made me take an ANGER MANAGEMENT course, which was okay, but whatever. I met a few people through that, but otherwise I only went because I wanted to get them off my back about it.

Anyway, I've felt stigmatized from that whole ordeal. CA has its way of doing that to people. Ruin your life, suck the life out of you, have everyone thinking the worst of you... And you get CA. There's something that's really been bothering me... There's this girl I know. She has two kids, and babysits two more. When I was over there, I thought she might need some help. I tried to help her out with the kids and she turns around and asks me why I got my son taken away. She thinks I did something really bad to get him taken away from me.

I asked my son's father to come get him for the night because the CA worker wouldn't leave my place because she said she didn't want to leave my son and I alone together. She thought I was going to do something to him. Allegations like that obviously made me ANGRY. How does someone who knows nothing about me or my son get away with making insane allegations towards me?! How dare she!!!
So yeah, that made me angry. I asked her to leave. She wouldn't. Because she wouldn't get out of my apartment, I had to call his father. I had no other choice. After that, I tried to get him back but CA wouldn't let his father give him back to me!

Any mother, who loves her child, in that situation would be royally pissed! As was I! Because this girl only knows I got my kid taken away from me, she is suspicious of me around her kids. It really makes me feel uncomfortable that people are judging me without knowing the whole story and how it started because my kid was being bullied at school and they wouldn't do anything about it. My son got suspended from school because of some bullsh*t story they told me which was probably the furthest thing from the truth. From what I heard, my son's class was left unattended for an 'indoor recess' even though they knew he was having problems with a kid in his class. There was one teacher 'on duty' going back and forth between 6 classes. SIX f*cking classes with ONE f*cking teacher. Great supervision! NOT!

So my kid got in a fight with the other kid and they suspended them both. It wasn't a fist fight or anything... They said my kid tried to take a toy away from another kid and then the fight started. First of all, I know that to be bullsh*t because my kid doesn't take things from anyone because he's old enough to know better than that. I think I've done a pretty good job teaching him right from wrong at an early age. Second of all, WTF is wrong with them to leave kids unsupervised when they know that it's just asking for trouble?

I was so mad at them for all they put me through. The last straw was when after my son was taken from me, his father was at work and called me up to go pick up our son from school. You know what they went and did?! They called CA behind my back to ask THEM if it was OKAY for me to pick up my own son when I was the one picking him up from school and doing everything for him before this happened. It's because that school gave me so many problems that I had to go through that all.

My concern was about my son being bullied at school. It got to the point where the school was telling me that my son has anger issues and he must have gotten them from me. Basically saying that everything that was going on at that school was my fault. My son would literally pee in his pants because he was too scared to go into the washroom at school. You know what they did about that? Accused me of sending my kid to school in dirty close that smell like pee. That is what they did. Who did they call to make that accusation to? CA of course. I didn't even know that my son was peeing his pants until one time I had an appointment to go to. There's a daycare place in the building so my son went there while I was in my meeting. When I went to the daycare to pick him up, there was a puddle underneath him, and the lady said that he just peed his pants. The weird thing is that he was toilet trained. I've always told him that if he needed to go to just tell someone and they'd either take him to go, or just let him go to the washroom.

You want to know what the vice principal of the school was like?! She kept saying: "Abby, he's not getting bullied. We've been watching him and we haven't seen anything." Obviously it happens when the adults aren't looking. Where could it have happened? Maybe the washroom? Could that be why my kid was literally peeing himself? If he did it at daycare, I think it could have happened at school. So them accusing me of this, that, any other bullsh*t and being angry over these accusations is the reason I lost my kid. I didn't beat him, I didn't starve him... I didn't deserve this. I thought I was a good Mom, not the BEST Mom, but not a bad Mom.

I understand that I guess the teachers have to call CA if they think there is something going on, but I think they should get their facts straight. What p*sses me off so much is that people who shouldn't have kids often don't get THEIR kids taken away because they lie right through their teeth and present things as being normal. They lie and hide things so well that they never get their kids taken away. People like me who have done everything for their kids from the day they were born get f*cked right up the *ss by CA. Especially if there were previous allegations. Even if the previous allegations were also bullsh*t.

The only thing that I can say about this now is that luckily my son is living with his FATHER and not the CA. His father knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt my kid. He knows how hard I've been trying all this time. I took prenatal vitamins, I went to prenatal classes. I even kept going to school when I was 8 months pregnant! I actually finished my last high school credit exactly ONE MONTH before my son was born. I could have just dropped out like so many other girls do when they get pregnant. What?! Too hard to get out of bed in the morning to go to school?! Is that why they drop out? Dropping out was not an option for me. Not an option for my son because it's his future too, not just mine.

When I was 18 and found out I was pregnant, I thought that his father would ask me to marry him so we could be a real family, but that never happened. When we were engaged, it was because I bought HIM a ring. It was a hint for him to ask me because I thought I was ready. If you read my blog even 5 years ago, you'd know that being married was so important to me. I felt like it wasn't real love unless the guy wanted to marry me. Even today, I sometimes ask myself if I'm in love because I don't feel like I am most of the time. My boyfriend has his 'interests' and spends his time and attention on those and not on 'us'. It's been that way for a long time. That's why him moving was good for me. He can have all the time alone that he wants to do his 'things' and I can do my 'things'. I see people who are in love and who are married and I still want that, very much, but I don't want it now as much as I used to. Probably because I've finally realized that it might never happen. If it doesn't, which it probably won't (for me at least) It won't completely break my heart, only a piece of it.