Reckless Rebel

Family?

2012-01-24T16:30:00.002-05:00

Been a long time... I don't expect anyone still reads my blog posts. I guess I have let you down in a sense that I haven't posted very much. I still don't have internet at home, but I got my computer fixed. I'm working on those types of things.

A lot has happened... First, my son went to live with his father. It breaks my heart, but I have no choice in the matter. I've been depressed over this and over a few other things... Maybe one of the reasons I've stayed to myself and haven't relly tried to reach out to anyone in a long time. I'm ashamed about telling anyone that I failed as a mother even though I tried really hard and it was so hard without anyone to help me. I hate how I have to go through my EX to see my kid especially since he was a weekend father who (even after I begged him to help me) wouldn't help me with the problems I was having with his old school.

So in my opinion since he really couldn't be bothered, he doesn't really deserve to be the main caregiver. I spent years doing everything for my son, EVERYTHING. Still it wasn't enough in their eyes. I wasn't perfect so I had to be persecuted and have everything taken from me. My whole life has chaged in the last 7 months. I really don't even know what to do with myself now. I feel like I have less responsibilities now, but in a sense I actually have more. Before I only did everything for my son. I got to the point that I wasn't taking care of myself.

I am still seeing a psychiatrist but it doesn't seem to help. I only see her once a month and I don't see how that is supposed to help. I feel like drinking most of the time and if I could afford to be drunk most nightsthan not, I would be. Not to the point that I used to drink, but close. I have a hard time stopping after I start drinking. I feel like I have to keep going to numb the pain. I guess some people would understad this... A lot of people would just think I'm foolish.

I haven't told the whole story because it hurts to much to have to keep going back to the beginning (when my life went down the tubes) and it hurts to know that there are worse mothers out there who get to keep their kids... It hurts toknow that no matter wht I do, I get persecuted unjustly. It happens all the time. I am a victim of judgement. Everyone who reads this will wonder what happened and assume whatever the heck they want about me. If I was such a bad mother, they would have taken me to court to take away all rights to my son. They had no reason to take me to court. I still get to see my son on the weekends. I am a weekend mother now and there isn't a damn thing I can do about that. All the people who ruined my life before I got pregnant still want me to burn in hell. But not as bad as I want them to burn in hell. It is because of the past that I can't seem to move forward and if I ever had any more kids, the same thing would happen. They just will never leave me alone. Unless I leave Ottawa forever and some days I'm really f*cking tempted to.

My birthday sucked this year. I really hate my birthdays because I haven't had a good one in years. This year, my Uncle and cousin came to Ottawa from Alberta and they came to see my Grandmother (they do every maybe 7 years.) Anyway, they decided to have a birthday dinner for my Grandmother on my birthday so I couldn't do anything I wanted to do. My boyfriend was being mean to me that morning too, which really didn't help.

Anyway, I got to the dinner as everyone was leaving and my Aunt forbade me from going to even say hello to my Grandmother. They didn't even offer me any left overs or anything. Then... My Uncle asked me if I wated to come over to my Grandmother's condo (hasn't been sold yet)... So I did, I was with my son and he got to spend time with my cousin's son. They were standing around in the kitchen all having a beer and they didn't even offer me one! On my BLOODY BIRTHDAY!!!

So... I'm not fond of my family as you can tell. They seem to boss me around, not accept me, and leave me out on my birthday. I really don't care what they do. If they invite me to anything, I'm not going to go.

This is after I spent days taking care of my Grandmother when nobody else could have been bothered to even pick up a phone and call her. That was all my Aunt did was called and I was the one trying to coax my Grandmother to eat, and trying to help her feel better. She couldn't walk very well and I was helping her go to the bathroom and bathing her when I was the only one to do anything to help. my Aunt was being nice to me after my Grandmother went to the hospital. She had no idea how bad it actually got because she never went to see her even thyough she was not even a block away!

She kept telling me how much she appreciated my help... The thing she doesn't understand is that I did it for my Grandmother. NOT FOR HER OR ANYONE ELSE! I don't care about any of them except for my Grandmother because I know she loves me. The others are just... relatives who never gave a damn about me my whole life.

Anyway... That should be a sufficient update. I might write again another time, when I have the time.

Granny's in the Hospital

2011-12-12T14:29:00.001-05:00

Only two weeks until Christmas? Yikes. Doesn't feel like Christmas. No snow here, yet. But I kind of like the no snow thing. The geese are like WTF?! They keep coming back and forth.

Are youwondering about me? I wonder too. HA HA! Been busy lately. My Grandmother is in the hospital. I was taking care of her, but she wasn't getting any better. She still refuses to eat or drink anything. It bothers me. She lost like 20 pounds in a week. I knew she didn't want to go to the hospital, but I knew I couldn't take care of her like they can there.

What really bothers me is how my family has reacted to my Grandmother getting sick. On the night she went to the hospital, I called my mother and she wouldn't listen to me at first. I told her that her own mother wasn't doing well. It went like this:

"Mom, Granny isn't doing very good."

"I know, your Aunt is coming tomorrow."

"I think she should go to the hospital."

"Well call me later and let me know."

"I've been calling and calling you. I want her to get better, not worse."

"Okay, I'll call your Aunt."

Then my Aunt and Uncle came over from the building next door. Yeah, they live so close but all my Aunt would do for my Grandmother is call her. She didn't go over to help when she was sick, help me get her to eat, help me give her a shower... Just called. I have to say that I loved the look on my Aunt's face when the paramedics came and one asked if she came to see Granny every day.

"No, but I called every day." Then I said, "I've been here the last three days."

So my mean, bossy Aunt is starting to be nice to me because she realizes that I've been the one who dropped everything to be there by my Grandmother's side when she needed me the most. Also I was the ONLY one who dropped everything to be there.

The only problem is that what my Grandmother has is a highly infectious 'bug'. Since I've been with her, I might have it. Either that, or there is something else the matter and I'll write about that when I learn more. It really bothers me that I called my cousin in Alberta and left a voice message for him. I told him that it'd mean a lot to my Grandmother, our Grandmother, if he'd give her a call. He never did. Now she is in the hospital and it doesn't look so good. She has to start eating again and getting better. I hate that I have the kind of family that I cannot count on. I REALLY HATE THAT!

I Want To BE ME!!!

2011-11-29T16:43:00.001-05:00

Where were we? Lots has happened since I last wrote here. Just that not sure all the changes going on are the best ones. I'm starting to withdraw within myself more and that is no good. My relationship... I thought it was going well, but I have to re-think things in that department. Maybe I was meant to be a loner. A complete loner. I really don't think he 'gets' me. Not at all. I made sacrifices. I have tried hard andthat is what these things are based on. But no, it is never good enough... You know what? I've never had a successful relationship with any Catholic male. Is that saying something?

We shall see because I am tired of trying so hard for nothing in return. I hate trying for nothing. I hate not progressing. I think I'd rather die than to keep regressing. Instead of progressing. At least progress makes me feel as though something is working. That SOMETHING I have DONE got me SOMEWHERE. But I don't feel like that these days. It's frustrating. Why is looking for love so f*cking hard? When I think I deserve to be loved at some point in my life. REAL LOVE, not some bullshit "I have to change duratically to be with you" kind of love. I can make sacrifices, but I never want to have to sacrifice my individuality to be with anyone. If a guy cannot accept everything about me, that means he simply cannot love me. It shouldn't be my loss. It is his.

Things I'm Up To

2011-11-11T14:02:00.001-05:00

There hasn't been a whole lot going on these days. Not in my life anyway. I'm still dating the same guy. Been 4 months now and things are going pretty good between him and I. We have times where we get on each other's nerves but we end up working it out.

I haven't really used the internet much lately. I still don't have internet at home and I owe the library a crap load of money. BASTARDS at the library...

I'm working on getting my act together. I have reasons to want to now. I should have always wanted to. Deep down inside I probably wanted to,but it takes a lot to actually admit it and it takes a heck of a lot more to actually do it.

I finally told the people who were walking all over me that I wasn't going to let them do that anymore. Why should I? I realized that my own family members don't have any respect for me. Especially my brothers. I get looked at to fix things for them when all I really want is to fix things for myself.

So, yes, I go to Anger Management once a week. I'm still seeing my psychiatrist. I don't know why I go to see her. I don't feel as though she gives me any answers I can use. She made an appointment for me for the end of the month. So how am I supposed to get anywhere when I don't even see her for 3 weeks?

I had to go for blood tests and I got the result I was waiting for. I spent all that time worrying for nothing. It usually seems that way, that things aren't as bad as they seem. I think I make them seem worse in my head.

There are a bunch of things I've started to do. I started sleeping in my bedroom again. I used to sleep in there when I first moved in, then my ex and I were still living together after we broke up. He was sleeping in the livingroom and I was sleeping in the bedroom. He moved out and I went to sleeping in the livingroom. For a few years. But now I'm going to paint my bedroom BLUE and fix it up the way it should be. It hasn't been painted in there since 2004. It really needs some fresh paint.

I also bought a new camera. I wasn't going to, but it was half price and I busted the last one I had. I was going down a hill on a scooter and it was steep. So I wiped out and landed on my camera. Smashed the screen.

Also, I put up my calendar in the bedroom. A dry erase calendar so it makes it easy to put up my tasks and erase them once they are done.

2011-10-21T15:32:00.000-04:00

Hmmm, lots of things to talk/write about. Where to start? Well, the anger management has yet to have any real impact on me. I still find myself angry. I think I file those away because I don't know how to deal with it without a 'confrontation'. Which lead to the recommendation of anger management in the first place....

Anyways, when I was there the last time, I kept getting the message that we learn how to deal with anger because we were taught throughout our lives how to deal with it.

When I saw my shrink today, she said that first we must identify what makes us angry. It takes a lot to make me angry. If I feel disrespected, it makes me angry. Because I want to be treated fairly. If I deserve something and I have something coming to me, BRING IT ON! But otherwise I'd like to be treated as though I have a shred of dignity left. I mean, I've been holding onto a thread for so long so at least acknowledge that thread. I may be over the edge, but I'm dangling at the precipice. I'm not that far gone (yet).

The last time I spoke to them (in person), I noticed a few things. First of all was the prejudice. I'm going to encounter that anywhere I go. But it has no room in theprofessional world. They can't just cling to their assumptions and say they are doing their job. Because that is what pisses me off. You need to be objective when you are trying to meet an objective. But maybe that's only in my mind....

Objective V.S Subjective

2011-10-13T22:13:00.000-04:00

This new version of blogger will take some getting used to. I haven't written for a while because I've taken some time to think things through. I'm going to Anger Management. They base it on a guy's book, a psychologist/priest guy who has a religious basis for his 'sermons' about anger. I'm taking it because I have to. I'm not there for the religious part of it. I haven't even told anyone I'm not religious. The group meets at a Church every Tuesday night.

Of course I have other requirements, other stipulations... All I want is to have things where I have more control over my life and where people stop holding things over my head.

I'm not talking to my mother these days. I've given up on any kind of relationship with her. There is a story behind this, well, several and I think I should have given up a long time ago. But I still kept trying for my Grandmother's sake. I just can't anymore. My relationship with my Grandmother is so special that it makes up for what I never had with my mother. My mother made her choices a long time ago and it's not like she has ever asked me to forgive her for that. She just thinks that I have.

I'm not really sure what my family thinks of me. I seem to be the one they come to just to bail them out of trouble, but why should I constantly stick my neck out for people who have no respect for me?

Anyway, it's like they say: you can pick your friends, but not your relatives. I just got lucky with the Grandmother I have. I would never trade her love for anything. Her love and the love of my son is all the love I could ask for.

On another note, I'm getting braver in the kitchen. I made 'buns' filled with cheese with Parmesan cheese on top. I was quite proud of myself.

2011-09-22T18:24:00.001-04:00

Hmmm, this new version of blogger seems weird to me. Maybe too used to the older version.

Anyway, spent most of the day at the court house. I got the name of a lawyer and even called him. He'd take my case, but he needs me to get a form. A purple form. To get a certificate. I tried to get this purple form for my lawyer today, but i got a number for a mediator instead. I'm not really having issues with my ex, but rather with the Childrn's Aid Society. I've had issues with them for most of my life. That isn't the issue anymore. It's about getting them to listen andtake you seriously because once they make assumptions about you, you're basically screwed. I know I can get my kid back from his father if I jump through all the stupid hoops they set up.

I agreed to anger management treatment even though that's not my issue. My issue is Anxiety management and I'm going to be in a treatment program for that. I have to go for an intake session thing, which isn't until the beginning of November. It sucks that I have to wait that long. For something I should have had access to a long time ago.

Each time I really try to get ahead, it seems like the longer it takes to actually move forward. I know that seems strange to people who are used to instant results. It seems like I'm moving backwards instead of forwards. You know what? I see my psychiatrist 2 times each month, and it's sort of helping. She does give me advice often. I haven't told her all of my problems. She expects me to just give her an update. I haven't told her a lot of stuff that happened in the past. I guess it shouldn't bother me that much after years later. I think it only still does because I haven't faced the fears attached to the experience.

I took psychology in college, but it does pertain to my situations that much. I hate when there are these novice social workers or whatever and they just can't help you due to lack of experience. Life is much more than you read in a text book. It's much more than you can even interpret from a text book. It's everything you need to figure out what you need to do to keep keeping on. Actually it's what you nees to know to be able to help yourself and/or someone else. You actually can learn a lot about yourself from helping other people.

2011-09-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

After all the crap I've been through lately, watching something like this puts a smile on my face.

Around in Circles

2011-09-13T12:16:00.003-04:00

Things'll never be 'normal' in my life, so may as well keep trying to deal with my problems. Looks like I'm going to the courthouse tomorrow. Some people have been telling me to get a lawyer for a while now and I bet if I had, half the sh*t would have already been dealt with.

But.... I've never had to get a lawyer before and it doesn't seem to be the easiest thing in the world. Some people might think so, depends how many times they've needed a lawyer. I wanted today to be a super productive day, but it hasn't been.

So stressed out with this whole thing that mt shoulders are in my ears, but I really need to get a lawyer because I'm basically being persecuted. I want to show them that I won't let them walk all over me.

August Already?

2011-08-06T02:02:00.000-04:00

August crept up on us fast, eh? I started dating again. After 5 years! I told my neighbour because I wanted it to seem to him that I am moving on... I can't tell anyone my secrets. I want to be happy and I like to think that I am. Nothing is ever perfect. No matter how many nights you dream of certain circumstances. Chance could have brought us all to different destinations. I would have liked to see my whole life before I lived it. The uncertainty is what kills me inside.

I'm dating and I don't really know what to expect. It's frustrating because my patience needs more work. So far things are working because 1) we have lots in common, 2) He has lots of patience with me.

We understand each other because of similar circumstances in life, but it is more than that. Patience comes into mind again... He is the one who wants to take it slow. Which is a great thing. Just been so long for me (and for him) that is almost like starting over, and it is exactly that.

It's OK because I'm at the point where I just want someone to listen, but to understand.... That was the worst part.. Finding someone who understood... Sometimes I still question if ANYONE will REALLY understand me... That question may rest unanswered for a long time yet to come. I have been questioning myself on whether or not I'm ready to start dating again. Some days I think it's a good thing, other days I think too much about it when I should be happy.

Anyways, right now, I'm at my Mother's place. I went to a memorial service earlier for a woman my mother worked for. She passed away recently. She was 99 years old! She didn't want to be 100.

So many people came to her 'gathering'. I'd be lucky if I have that many friends in my life. So many have died already. I thought about one of them the other day. E.C --- Eleven Cents. I was short 11 cents and it made me think of him.

Been doing a lot of thinking recently. Not like I have much choice. Interverts THINK and they NEED to in order to SURVIVE. I miss curling up with my book tonight. With my cat, too. When I curl up next to my boyfriend, I feel those feelings from long ago. Just my feelings are mixed right now. Part of me will always want to feel those 'feelings', the other half will be the stupidly stubborn part that ruins good things when they FINALLY come my way...

I want to continue, but I'll have to make due with just a lil' version of an update.

Hope all is well with everyone! xoxoxox :) <---- uncharacteristic of me (alcohol makes me feel nice).

Ghosts...

2011-08-02T20:27:00.000-04:00

I came across this video and it made me jump.

Watch it, if you dare

I'm Okay, I think...

2011-07-08T16:58:00.000-04:00

Everyone goes through their share of sh*t in life. I've hit one of those snags that'll be over soon, I hope. My son has been living with his father recently and I'm supposed to be supervised. But I taken him on weekends. They don't know that I do. They can go f*ck themselves. I've had my son living with me since he was born and now they think I'm a danger to him?! I'm a danger to THEM if they want to mess with me. They even went as far as to stop me from picking my son up from school. I think it was the school's way of slighting me again and none of this would have happened if the school did something about the bullies that were attacking my son at school. He will be going to a new school next year so I won't have to deal with those idiots over there again! HA!

I've pretty much been going crazy... All alone and seemingly powerless to protect my rights as a parent. And to protect my son from THEM. They screwed me up for life and I'm not letting that happen to my son. I want him to have a normal life and it would be a lot more so with them not around and assuming all kinds of assinine things about someone they don't even know.

They came into my house and were trying to make me look bad. I think they were coaching my kid to say things when I wasn't in the room. Because they wanted to talk to him alone first. Then I really felt cornered the way she was talking to me. I really felt uncomfortable and I knew I was starting to get angry so I asked her to just leave. Instead of living, she says "No I'm not going to leave because your son will be in danger." That REALLY pissed me off. So the only thing I could think of to do was to call my son's father to come and take our son for the night. But she turns around and says he has to stay with his father and hasn't told me or him how long this is supposed to last. All of this has been bullshit right from the very beginning. I hate how people treat me that way and the fact that it affects my son just really pisses me off. To the point where I could burst. I know he's with his father, that is the only comfort in this. I would be livid if THEY took him.

I've been pretty angry this whole time. And I really want to just tear her eyes out if I ever see her again. That's one of the reasons I requested a new 'worker'. Because I could see myself wanting to rip her face off . Of course I'd never hurt my kid. I'm not a crack head or a meth addict or someone who injects heroin. I don't drink every day. I try to do as much with my son as I can. I take him to the Library on a regular basis, I encourage him when he wants to write something. I still read to him. I take him to see my Grandmother. She doesn't get to see her other Great-Grandchildren. I was just thinking the other day how weird it'll be in the future when my son has kids of his own and they have kids of their own. Sometimes in even wonder if I'll live that long.

I've also been pretty lonely and going crazy at home by myself. I've been talking to my cat more. I don't know what life would be like without her. It bothers me that I feel more comfortable writing about all the stuff I'm going through on here than I do telling it to my psychiatrist. I'm not sure if I can trust her and I get a vibe that says that I should start looking for someone who'll listen to me and not interrupt me, then when they are finished saying whatever they want to say, they send me out the door. How is that supposed to help? It just seems like nobody really cares what I'm going through and going through this difficult time on my own is hard, but it does make me stronger. That is if I don't give into temptation and just lose my mind.

The Month of June

2011-06-21T14:35:00.000-04:00

This month hasn't been one of the best months for me. On the first day of June, I dislocated my knee (I have a picture of it, but haven't gotten around to getting my computer fixed...

Just a bunch of stuff has been happening that I'm not particularily happy about. There of course are two sides to every story, but I feel like my rights have been violated. I often get that feeling because a lot of people like to walk all over me. Been bending over backwards, but still, nothing is ever good enough for those people and nothing ever will be.

I've been getting out a lot more, which does help a bit. I'm not sure what's going to happen next. I feel like there's going to be something else to contend with...

I really wish things would start getting better for me. It gets hard to sleep at night because my knee is still swollen. I had to take some gravol to help get to sleep.

There is a party I want to go to, but I don't really want to go alone. I rarely go to parties in the first place, but I'd rather have a date.

I'm gaining weight again, not that it really matters. I took a lot off, but now it's back. I've been under a lot of stress and consuming a lot of calories. I've written a few new poems, but I haven't posted them yet. I miss having internet at home.

Anyways, I'd better do a few things while I'm here.

Another update

2011-06-19T18:02:00.000-04:00

A bit has happened since I've posted last. It would have been nice if I had my computer working at home, but that'll happen eventually. I don't really miss the internet that much. I don't have cable and I don't really miss watching T.V, either. I have been watching a great deal of movies, though. And READING!

Well, to start off with what's been going on... I fell in the washroom and dislocated my knee. That was just over two weeks ago. I know that it'll take a while to heal. I was at home for a week and on crutches. Now I can use a cane and I bought myself a nifty knee brace.

My Mom found out that it isn't lung cancer. Chronic lung disease.

I'm in the process of getting my son into a new school. We're both excited about it.

Those are the only things that are going on as of the moment. I'm at my Mom's new place.

Anyways... Just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive.

What does a one legged turkey say? Hobble, Hobble
What does a turkey say that has no legs? Wobble, Wobble.

What does a pirate pay for corn? A buck-an-ear!

Quick Updates

2011-05-17T11:13:00.000-04:00

This'll have to be a brief update because my time on here is limitted today. I'm at the Library because my computer has still yet to be fixed. I find that I'm getting much more done at home without the internet to distract me. I've been doing quite a bit of knitting and stuff like that. Reading, too.

I've had some things on my mind, but I'll hold onto those thoughts. a lot of it is too disturbing to share. You know me.... One thing after another.

My Mother's x-rays came back OK. They think that it might be lung disease instead of lung cancer. She still has many other tests before she's sure.

Man! There was this guy earlier when I was looking at some books... He was kind of creeping me out. Kept talking to me and then walking away, then coming back to talk to me some more... I think he's on crack because I know what it sounds like when people are cracked out and the way their mouth moves when they aren't talking. Don't ask me how I know these things. I've just learned some signs over the years.

I've been reading a lot of Jeffrey Deaver books. I find him a great author. definitely one of my favorites. I haven't written any poetry for a while now, but I'm sure my inspiration will come back.

One of my friends believes in pasts lives and he thinks that we knew each other in a past life. He says that this is the third generation. The third time our spirits have roamed this earth. I have no idea who I was in a past life, but it'd be neat to find out!

May Mayhem

2011-05-07T15:50:00.000-04:00

Things are crazy for me at the moment. My kid got suspended from school. I got in a fight with his father about him not supporting his son. Not takling financially. I'm talking about with school and things like that. He just wanted to be a weekend parent for the last two years. So I told him he can't see his kid until he works something out with me. So he's mad at me and was calling me all night one night. I unplugged my phone.

I was talking to a guy on the phone for a while, but I haven't heard from him since last weekend. I ndon't expect to hear from him again, let alone meet him. Plus, one has to be careful about these things...

I went to 3 meetings at the school this week. I'm sick of it. Been stressed out like crazy. Not really able to have breaks. I've been trying to get some help, though. Because this is just rediculous. Since I can't expect my son's father to want to help.

I guess things can't be all that bad with me, read something like this Kid Buys GUN at School

April Almost Over

2011-04-28T18:05:00.000-04:00

I'm back! However briefly.... I'm at my Mother's place... I have a bit of news...

I found out my Mother is getting tested for lung cancer. She's been a smoker for like 3 decades. Doesn't want to quit. Doesn't see that it would make a difference at this point. So we are all waiting for results, but doesn't look good.

Anyway, I'm still going through some stuff with my son's school. Been thinking about home schooling. I'm looking into a new school soon. I definately have to. He's not happy where he is. I feel like they are holding him back. It's not good on that front either.

My dating life? Does anyone care about that? I'm still not dating. I think I would like to try again, but that is still a castle in the sky that is always floating by.

It's my brother's 19th birthday today. I can't believe he's almost 20! Scary. I was 19 when my son was born. My brother was so young when my son was born.

About my kid... He's smart! He LOVES math and aspires to be like his 'hero' Albert Einstein. He also loves Leonardo diVinci. He wants to invent something, be a singer, or a mortgage broker. We saw a truck from a mortgage company today and he asked what a mortgage was, and I explained and said a mortgage broker works at a mortgage company. He says he wants to be one of those.

I'll try to update more another time. My computer at home is down right now. I'm trying to adjust without the net, but I find that I'm getting a lot done around the house!

Sorry for the lapse.

I HATE Rejection

2011-03-22T10:14:00.000-04:00

I wish the torment would end. I really do. Things don't seem to be improving. I hate being broke all the time. I hate the rejection I go through when I apply for jobs. I hate the rejection I go through in the dating world. I hate the judgement I face every day. I hate the wasted effort I put into things. It just doesn't seem to be getting better.

My psychiatrist was trying to tell me that it's okay that I haven't been working because I've been taking care of my son. I should be doing both. It feels like if I'm doing one, I'm giving up the other. I need both. I am barely surviving as it is. I really screwed everything up. Reaching for those pipe dreams. I should have known that everything that seems easy is just out of my reach. I'm not destined for that kind of life. I've always needed help that I've just been denied. It's the rejection that really bothers me the most. Why are some people so easily accepted and I'm not? Why?! Why do I have to constantly bend over backwards to the point I'm kissing my own ass, just for the slightest bit of recognition even?

I've had a hard time getting to sleep the last few nights. It is taking a toll on me because I am ridiculously tired. Drained of physical energy. Doesn't help when you're broke. It really doesn't. I want to eat burgers. Do I have any money for that? No! Whose fault is that? Mine! Can't you see why I hate myself most days? Can't you see why I don't even want to get out of bed? Why do I? Because I have to! I have dreams, but why should I try anymore? There's nothing moving forward. No good news to tell anyone. I'd like to be able to tell someone: "I'm getting married!" or "I have a job!" SOMETHING! Why can't I have even the slightest control over my own damn life?!

Good Getting Out

2011-03-16T09:56:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I had that appointment. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I have a couple more appointments coming up. She said she'll give me a diagnosis. She said she wants to see my old report cards from school. I think I still have them, but not quite sure where. I really don't think that they'll tell her anything. I feel really anxious when I'm there. But at the same time, I think the appointment was pretty short.

I'm taking my son to see his doctor today. The thing that I hate is how far it is. I also hate when they call me and they ask to speak to my mother. I know I sound young on the phone, but it really gets on my nerves.

The other night, I hung out with a friend of mine. He was with a couple of his friends. We all went to play pool and drink beer. It's nice getting out of the house once in a while!

-To be continued..................................................

Tomorrow

2011-03-14T12:53:00.000-04:00

I finally get to see a psychiatrist after MONTHS of waiting. I'm not sure what to expect at this appointment. The ones I saw before have always twisted my words around, put words in my mouth, or just plain pissed me off. I don't think they really understand. I don't expect this to really help me. I'm going because I need to go. I have to admit, I'm extremely anxious about this. In a weird way.

I've been having weird dreams lately, but I guess they are just as weird as the ones I usually have. I had a dream that I was being evaluated by some guy in a position of some sort of authority and he wrote down that I had a problem with English. I was so angry. I ended up punching him a few times. As I was defending myself verbally (before the punching began) a man was trying to say something to the guy. Since he was interupting me, I told him off. Then when I finished saying what I was saying, I told him he could now speak his piece. As he was talking, I realized who he was. An actor I'd seen on a t.v show back in the 80's and early 90's. Also in a few movies. I'll just call him "Andrew" after the character he plays in the show.

At the end of the dream "Andrew" falls in love with me. Teehee. Sometimes I ask myself: "Who wouldn't?" But most of the time I ask myself: "Who would?!" I like to think of myself as a nice girl (despite dreams of punching people). It's always a challenge to look on the bright side. Some days it is impossible. Every now and then, I have hope. Even if it's just seldomly. Yes, extremely seldomly. Once the snow is finally gone and it warms up, I know I will feel a lot better. The sun coming out helps me by motivating me to go outside. To me, the sun represents 'optimism'. That very elusive thing in my life... Next to the other elusive things in my life... You already know what they are.

Anyway, I've got to figure out what to do today. Maybe go to the Library. I end up there anyway. It's one of my various indoor hiding places. Outdoor hiding places? Well I have always had a few, but a lot of them do not even exist anymore. Things keep changing in this city and not always for the better, either. Politics make a lot of things impossible for anyone in a position where they can't get out, to get out. I am talking about getting out of the kind of slump I'm in. Having to wait MONTHS to see a psychiatrist.... Raising the cost of public transportation when it's already hard enough to afford a bus pass... Because I bought a bus pass this month, I've had to do without in other areas. It's ridicuolous. The city is only thinking of the rich, they make it easier for them and harder for the poor.

One night. It was last Friday night. I remember because it was on my way to the art show I went to. I was on the bus and these 4 high school girls got on the bus. They were all trying to be like each other. One was talking non-stop. They were being very irritating to say the least. But they were all talking about their cell phones and their friends and stuff like this. Then one of them was asking, "Should I tell (so-and-so) about the joke? It's an inside joke." One of the chatty ones said, "No, it's an inside joke and he's on the outside." It just made me think about high school and how excluded I was from any group. I'd hate to be in a group that the only way to get into it was to have lots of money and the things money can buy. I'd hate to be consumed by consumerism. The government gets money every time you buy something. For what? So they can spoil their daughters rotten so they end up like those carbon copies of each other? I'm just sick of lining everyone else's pockets but my own. All I ever need is enough to get by and that's all I ever needed. I've always been under that line. And that happens to be the same line that divides the sane from the increasingly insane. Depression is making me insane. It makes me angry. Because I'm getting sick of it. Of not going anywhere because of it. Because I should be doing something with my life. Something. A lot more than this. I haven't been doing anything for such a long time. Because of that, I've been feeling terrible. Aweful. So I have to decide what to do with my life. And very soon. The problem is that I've never known how to just go and do it. That is something that has to be learned. And with nobody to teach me, I have to learn it for myself. I haven't been the best person to teach these things. That is what bothers me. I need to learn so I can impart these things to my son. It's important.

Let The Right One In

2011-03-11T16:37:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a guy I know from around here. He's been married for the last 15 years. He was telling me how I should find myself a guy... All of that. We joked around a bit about it. He's always laughing and smiling.

It's weird that we talked about that. I had a dream about "HIM" (the guy I had a crush on). I had a dream where he was coming onto me and wanted to cheat on his wife, with me. It was a weird dream. In the dream, this building was altogether different. There were gyms and a pool inside the building. HE lived on the 3rd floor in this dream. (Instead of living right down the hall from me). I wish he had stayed on the 9th floor or some other floor. Why'd he have to move right down the hall? It's like I'm living in my own private hell. I think sometimes that I may as well be. I'm tired of it all, but there doesn't seem to be any other choice.

Anyway, I was watching a couple of movies the other night. One was called: "Year of the Carnivore", the other movie was called: "Let the Right One In". So I ended up dreaming of Vampires and such.

I can't help being tired today. I'm always tired when the weather is BLAH! It's either been snowing or raining. I just want the sun to come out. Well, next month, it usually rains a lot. "April showers, bring May flowers", So they say. I don't know what to do with myself on days like these. These days make me feel like forgetting about the world and almost everyone in it. Can I run away one day? And just hide somewhere until someone finds me? Sometimes I feel like I'm hiding and waiting to be found. So much easier to hide. I never get hurt when I'm hiding. Nobody can drive a stake through my heart when there is no heart to drive a stake through. But... I've never been out for blood.

Finishing Projects

2011-03-10T03:42:00.000-05:00

I was recently attending a workshop on soapstone carving. I used to do it years ago, but I focused on knitting more because it's been my first passion. I finally finished one of my projects. I was making a bag for a lady my mother works with. This lady is 99 years old. She was born the same year the Titanic sunk. It's hard to believe that was almost 100 years ago! Another movie about a ship sinking that I liked was Poisidon. I think that is how you spell it. It made me not want to go on a boat on the ocean. A ship. Well, you know what I mean!

So I finished that project and I have a few more on the go. I like having projects to choose from, but at the same time, it makes it take longer to finish one of them. I still have sleeves to knit for the sweater that is taking forever. I really have to get it finished soon. I love knitting, but I took a break from it for a week or so. Just thinking about how much work I could have gotten done in that week!

It's been snowing a lot lately. Just when you think it's done for a while... It just starts all over again. I really need to get out more though. I really do. During the day, just find certain things to do and develop a routine. That is what I've always had a hard time with, sticking to a routine. Everything just happens when it happens. Which isn't always the best way. I'd like to know what is about to happen BEFORE it happens and then move onto the next thing (already knowing what that will be).

Other than that, just been tired and moody. Little things just seem to irritate me. Some days I'd just love to sleep all day and do nothing at all, but of course I know I can't do that. I'm the one who wakes up in the mornings and makes breakfast and lunch. I'm the one who walks my son to school. I'm the one who picks him up from school each day. I take him to his after school activities. I make sure he eats his dinner, takes a shower, brushes his teeth. I sing him a song to help him get to sleep, or read him a chapter or two of his book at bed time. These are the things he depends on me to do for him, every day. So I must do them for him. Most of the time I enjoy doing these things. It's the only thing I have to look forward to.

So anyway, I'm going to rest until it is time to get up and do all of these things all over again.

Teachers Gone Bad

2011-03-07T11:06:00.000-05:00

I was reading on Crime Library about some teachers in the slammer.

One of them, a teacher, took a p*ss on the curb Curb Pee

There is also world's worst nannies

Reading the last words before execution: I looked up another site against the death penalty called CCADP

I'm not sure how I feel about the death penalty. I think a lot of cases warrant it. But I also think that there have been cases of wrongful imprisonment in the past and wrongful executions.

Anyway, I'll write later ... Add some more things here.

One Day at a Time

2011-03-03T12:41:00.000-05:00

So this is how things are going... Not so great, but not really bad. I am just having a hard time. This month is going to be hell. Already almost broke and the month just started. I bought a bus pass this month and I really need to get out of this house more often. This month is going to be so hard for me, like it always is. March is when my father died. I know it's been so long that it shouldn't really affect me the way it still does, but I always think of it.

Today, I got a few things off my list of things to do. I went and got the picture for my bus pass so I can actually start using it. I paid my rent, I did some grocery shopping. I went and took advantage of the sales. Whatever was buy one get one free, I got. I bought a whole chicken and got one free! I figure that whatever is left over will go into soup. I make a lot of soup. It is quick and easy, and cheap. It also fills you up. Sometimes I have up to 5 bowls of soup. And whatever soup is left over can be frozen.

Well, tonight is the coffee house/poetry night and I want to go! I haven't been to one in a long time! The last time, I was still in my teens. I have to pick out a few poems to bring with me. So hopefully I can read them. I'll probably be going alone since nobody seems to want to go with me anywhere. But that is okay because I'd rather have imaginary friends instead of people who just say they are my friends and never think of me at all. It really bothers me. I try so hard, and then when I think it would be nice if a friend came to knock on my door... It doesn't happen. So I may as well have imaginary friends... Eh?

As much as I hate the end of March, I'm sort of looking forward to it because it gives me a chance to just get a bunch of things off my chest. It'll feel good to just let loose a little since I hardly ever get to anymore. I'm allowed to have one reckless day of the year and that is mine.

Anyway, I'm going to leave it at that for now. Might write some more later.

Some People!

2011-02-27T17:32:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to replay some things in my mind. I was at a bar last night. (One I'm not going to go back to for a while). I was sitting there for a while before the barmaid came to tell me the bar was going to close soon. I think she purposely made me sit there and wasn't going to serve me at all. I don't like her. I don't like most chicks anyway. They have their heads stuck up their own asses. Yeah, I said it!

And the people who work there are always sitting there drinking after the bar has closed.

Anyway, I was finally served a beer. I was drinking it when a guy came up to talk to me. It was a nice conversation, I grant that. But the weird part is how he's telling me that he makes a lot of money being a landlord. And that I should get into real-estate. After a while, he pulled something out of his pocket and low and behold it was a baggie of cocaine that he decides is okay to pull out right in front of me, at the bar, pretty much in front of everyone. He snorted some while he was talking to me! And asked me a couple of times if I wanted any! I keep thinking about that, as nice of a guy that he was, just doing that for all the world to see. People with that kind of problem, don't think of where they are, who they are with, when they do it. It's an addiction I didn't get caught up in.

I have a few addictions. I'm not going to lie. I can't say I'm really addicted to drugs. I'm addicted to things as if they were drugs, but they aren't narcotics. I have to admit, I don't think marijuana is as bad as most people make it out to be. I mean, it won't f*ck you up like coke will. It is one of the most misunderstood ones.

Anyway, my son has asked me to stop drinking those caffeine drinks, so I'm going to. He asked me to quit smoking two years ago. I stopped. I know caffeine is not good for me, my son knows it too, and he reminds me. I'm going to try to put some money aside to get a gym membership. There's a free gym I can use, but getting down to it can be an issue sometimes. I have to get a bus pass this month though. Last month I only used tickets... It adds up. And the BASTARDS want to raise the price of passes another $26.00! That brings it up to over a hundred dollars a month for the regular adult bus pass. It's ridiculous! People are having a hard time affording a bus pass as it is...

Another thing is that people who drive cars don't know what it's like to have to take the bus with constant fare hikes. Ottawa already has the highest public transportation fares in the country. It's because they want to get more double-decker buses on the roads. Then they are going to cut some routes altogether. I'm really fed up with it all. It seems like they don't know what they hell they are doing with their 'plans' and all they want is more and more money. We were supposed to get LRT (Light Rail Transit) and it ended up costing more to cancel the contracts than it was going to cost to build. Then they started talking about it again. And now they decide that double decker buses are better than LTR?! And charging the passengers more money for something we don't need?! Toronto has had their subway system for years. Ottawa is pretty much the only major Canadian city without some sort of rapid transport system. Oh! The O-Train you say? Sure, nice. But who wants to only go on that one line? The only ones it benefits are the University students.

I guess I'm just fed up living in Ottawa. I'm fed up with a bunch of things for a bunch of different reasons. It was funny, in a way, that a guy snorting coke was telling ME what I should be doing with MY life! Even if what he was saying was making sense. He said I shouldn't give a f*ck about anyone else. I really shouldn't. Because since when have they given a f*ck about me?! I have sh*t to do in life. A lot of it. I don't need to be hanging around, moping, that I have nobody to do these things with me. That nobody's going to pat me on the back and say "good job" when I do something right (not that I need a pat on the back, rather was thinking of somthing else there). But you get the gist.

At this point, I should BEYOND not giving a F*CK what anyone expects out of me. It should just be me doing what I can, for the right reasons, and NOT CARING about anyone else outside my circle of responsibilities. Everyone else can pretty well go F*CK THEMSELVES, because they're not going to screw me anymore.

Mentality

2011-02-25T04:57:00.000-05:00

Some days I really feel ok. With myself and life in general. I know I must push myself more. That's all there is to it. I have to push myself to do all the things I need to do. All the things that make me feel better.

I was really down, like REALLY down... I hate feeling like that. Feeling good always feels way better. I find that I don't even know what makes me feel good. Thinking thoughts like: "I'm Okay Today." make me feel better than feeling like all hope is gone. There are so many people who hardly have anything, yet they can still be happy. It's okay not to have the things we really want. Because the only thing we should ever want is to FEEL Okay. Feeling good is always better than feeling just Okay, but I'd settle for Okay over feeling really, really sad.

I think the one thing that makes me really sad is the feeling like I'm missing out on things I really would like to experience in my life. I'm not sure how to overcome that. I've never known how to cope with that. I have suppressed all those things over and over, when they spill out, it hurts. Do other people feel that way sometimes?

All these things make sense in my mind, but I have a hard time putting them into words most of the time. I'd like to think that other people are going through this too, not because it's fun or easy, but because I don't want to be the only one. I'm surely not. It just sucks that I can't talk to anyone about this stuff.

I've always been afraid of these feels and I don't allow myself to feel them to the full extent too much anymore. I try to cut them off, the feelings. I hate crying. I try so hard not to. It makes me feel bad. And I do it because I feel bad. It's weird. It just drags the emotions out longer and deeper. People are afraid of getting into that too, they call it 'baggage'. I suppose it is in a sense that it is just a weight on my shoulders. A cross to bear. I know I have to find a way to level out all my emotions. It would make me feel better in the long run. I have a feeling that these imbalances of the chemical kind aren't helping me either. It drives me crazy. The desire... And I don't think there is anyone who actually understands me...

If there was someone who knew me... I mean REALLY knew me. Everything about me. EVERYTHING. Who wanted to know... Went to a length to really know me... Oh well...

It's like this thing is my impetus. A word I learned recently... Impetus. I like it.

I know one of the reasons I can't have what I want... Because I want it TOO much. I need to give up on it, I really do. It's just so hard to quit a drug like that. I'm not talking about narcotics. I'm talking about my impetus. Impulse. Weird stuff. Just weird how I feel so strongly about that. Passionate about passion is a way to describe it, that kind of passion just leaves me stone cold because it's one of those things I'm missing out on. I hate that feeling and the not knowing why. It could be a test of strength or of patience (also a strength). I need to have the courage to be who I want to be. One of the hardest things other than not having that courage is fighting the desire to always be better than who I want to be. Does that make sense?

Where Do I Go From Here???

2011-02-22T10:26:00.000-05:00

I was posting regularly for a while. I've hit a snag, and I'm in a slump. I guess the slump is the snag I hit. I've hit a bout of depression again. I stopped taking the meds altogether. Which I probably shouldn't have, but I didn't feel like they were helping me. I don't find a lot of things helping right now.

I'm still waiting for my health card to come in the mail. I need it. I know I hate doctors and I have lots of reasons to, but I have to find a good one. I do need some help, but I don't think these pills are going to do anything but give me headaches.

I'm not going to go into details and repeat the reasons I've been depressed because well... You've heard it from me before, thousands of times. No amount of mentioning it will ever make it better. EVER. Keeping it in, hasn't made things better either. What is making it worse is all the stupid things that keep happening on a continuing basis. As well as NOT knowing HOW to FIX any of it. I've had a low self esteem since I stopped working. I don't feel valuable as a person, and lately as a parent. I don't feel valuable at all. Maybe that is why I feel like this every day. EVERY DAY! I'd love to feel normal, valuable, wanted, loved, needed. I know my son still needs me, but not like he used to. When I used to do EVERYTHING for him. I felt valuable then. When I was taking care of a baby every day. Our bond was much stronger then. I feel him slipping away.

And why do people keep hurting me when I'm already hurt enough? What do they get out of that? Do they not realize that I'm a real person? With real feelings? With real thoughts? Guess they are only concerned with their own feelings and thoughts, even though I wouldn't call them 'real' people. What is 'REAL' anymore? Reality seems more and more convoluted. Based on 'priorities' and anything being 'convienient' is considered a 'priority'. When did it all become about convienience? What happened to all the sacrifice? Why aren't sacrifices made anymore? Because sacrifices are unpleasant? Because they are inconvienient? What do you gain from life if you are unwilling to make any sacrifices? "No! Why should I be the one to give up something?" Is that what the mentality has become? Have we evolved to only do what we FEEL like doing? Is this where the laziness has seeped into our society like some unremovable stain? Permeating our existance like some stench that will not receed? I'll tell you what is receeding... The basic morals that were in place back in the days where if you weren't doing your job right, it wasn't being done at all. When kids used to be safe out on the streets (before internet porn), where schools were better places to be, where life was simple and simply better. But yet, they still claim that our society is still 'real' despite the delusions that came to be out of this sense of dreaming. The sense that some people are 'owed' the world and other people are 'owed' nothing. But who owes us anything? Ourselves.

Recent Picture

2011-02-20T19:09:00.001-05:00

Dreams... Caution! Disturbing

2011-02-14T00:05:00.000-05:00

Been having really vivid and graphic dreams lately. My dreams have always been vivid, a bit disturbing too, but one I had...

I was dreaming that I was in a hotel and the hotel was very nice. The outside was a slum and pretty much the 'bad lands'. I had to room with a woman on the first floor. Someone outside busted the window. The woman who I was rooming with was right by the window. The bad guy had a screwdriver in each hand and began stabbing her in the throat with them.

The second part of the dream is where they were trying to frame me for it. I had to try to prove my innocence. It was horrible.

The dream I had last night wasn't as bad, just I had been sent to some asylum where it was all open concept. I woke up when I was planning an escape for the whole group of us 'inmates'.

I'm reading a book called: "A Maiden's Grave." It's written by Jeffery Deaver. He's written a bunch of books and I'll read another one of his books. There is another author, I can't recall his name right now, but he wrote a true crime book I read recently. It had contact info on the back of the book, was thinking about telling him I liked the book and wanted to read something else he wrote.

Anyway, I think I should get to bed. Last night I had a few drinks. My son wasn't here, so I had a chance to get out for a bit, even though I didn't leave the neighborhood.

Multiverse

2011-02-10T03:06:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation about dimensions. There are 4 spatial dimensions.

A line, a square, a cube, a structure....
The first is length, the second is width, the third is height, the fourth is time. I think there are ten dimensions.

He said that time is one dimensional. I think it has the possibility to having at least another dimension in time.
Then I found this Two Dimensional Time Because the time continuum is linear. That is why he told me that time is one dimensional.

The dot, the line, the plane, space, space time, the notion of possible worlds and measuring the distance between it and the actual world.

Then.... A plane of possible worlds. The distance between two possible worlds from each other with or without comparing distance to the actual world.

Then.... Access to the possible worlds that start with different initial conditions.

Then..... A plane complete possible universe histories, which is called infinity.

The Tenth dimension is the point in which everything possible and imaginable is covered.

I got it from the_10_dimensions_of_reality

A while back I thought about how universe sounded so singular, uni-. So could there be a multiverse that our universe is only a small part of? Then I found this Multiverse

Everything I discover leads to more questions. Which I will get to another day.

Frozen Face

2011-02-09T09:55:00.000-05:00

Where do I start? My son had been sick for about a week. I think it was the flu he had. I'm still waiting to get his health card in the mail. I remember having to wait a long time to get his birth certificate. I had to actually call an MP to track it down. Then I am also waiting for my health card, but mine won't come until next month.

I went to see a new doctor. I have been having issues with the previous doctor, so I need to find someone who is both competent and who I can trust. Which is VERY HARD in this city. She asked me a bunch of questions, but didn't ask the right ones. She should have asked me what medications I've already tried. Which she didn't because she handed me a perscription for Zoloft and basically waved me out the door. When I saw she was trying to give me Zoloft again, she made me wait and seemed to be annoyed when I told her that I already tried it and it didn't work for me. She wanted to be at her stupid meeting of incompetent doctors because they were starting a meeting in the waiting room when I left. The reason I say incompetent doctors is because she seemed a bit incompetent to me, and who should walk in when I was leaving? My old doctor. They were discussing money. Some sort of money 'pool' for doctors. I heard one of them saying, "How are they going to decide what money goes to what doctor?"

I believe that some doctors do want to become doctors to actually help people and save lives, but there is a staggering amount of doctors who are just after the money. Why would she prescribe something if she doesn't know what the serious side effects are? When she handed me the prescription she didn't tell me the risks involved. I took that stuff before because people are supposed to trust doctors, they aren't supposed to be giving us pills that are bad for us. But they seem to do it without thinking twice and without any warning.

I tried Zoloft years ago. I was going through major depression. I was institutionalized pretty heavily back then. I was living with family for a bit during this time, but I constantly heard voices telling me to do things I didn't want to do. I had no idea that it was because I was taking the pills. I had to fight a compulsive urge to just do what the voices wanted so that they'd 'go away'. One day I had enough of it, I took a bunch of them. Ended up in the hospital getting my stomache pumped... And this is the very pill they wanted me to take again? Just think how hard it is for a teenager to fight ANY urges, let alone violent ones... The urges were to hurt those who were close to me.

So I went through my fair share of sh*t with medications. They are supposed to be doing you some good, going to see a doctor. But it really hinders getting better.

She changed my prescription over to Seroquil. I'm supposed to take them at night. They make it so very hard to get out of bed in the morning, plus withdrawl from my previous medication makes me feel like my brain periodically disconnects from my body. Briefly, but periodically. Not the greatest feeling in the world. But I'm trying to get better, at least to a point in my life that I feel like things are manageble. When I get that far, things will start happening again and I will definitely start feeling better again. Again? Was there a time I didn't feel this exact same way? I think I did, can't remember the time, but it should have happened a few times at least. Little moments of clarity. Everything seems obscure and uncertain right now. I hate feeling that way. I hate feeling like this. I knew that something has to be done. The prolonged bouts of sadness just have to end. I mean the deep kind of sadness that doesn't seem to want to go away. I want it to go away. I have wanted to feel normal, but I don't know what normal feels like anymore.

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Then, I got my kid's report card... In everything, I mean EVERYTHING they gave him an N for Needs Improvement. The gave him 10 I's which means Insufficient Evidence to provide a letter grade. TEN of them! Then what is my kid learning this year? That because he's being picked on by some of the kids at his school that he is being treated differently by the staff as well? My son insists that he's doing the work the other kids are doing. They want to send him to a different school. They had told me that I had something called 'defiant disorder'. They seem to like to try to categorize everything into a disorder of some kind. And develop 'medication' for these 'illnesses'. The medications do more harm than good.

So today is my son's first day back since he's been sick. I saw some punk kid in the school yard this morning. I've seen this kid before. He's one of the bad ones. The time I saw him before this was when he pushed a girl down and made her cry. This time he was chasing a chubby kid and pushing him while calling him 'fatty'. He was harassing other kids too, because some other kid told the teacher and she told him to 'play nice'. Then while the teacher's back was turned and she was having a conversation with one of the parents, he picked up a couple of sharp sticks and began thrusting them around dangerously. I thought to myself that I can see this kid getting older and stabbing someone to death. It wasn't a nice thought to have, he's just a kid, but he should know better, should know to behave at school. Most of the parents around here simply let their kids do whatever they want, and they get away with it at school too, aparently. It makes me think of the stories I heard about the teachers doling out such punishments as spanking for unruly behaviour. Then the parents get wind that you got spanked at school, you get spanked at home for getting spanked at school. But spanking is bad now, I guess, better to let the kids do whatever they want? No. But I just see so many kids getting away with so much that they never would back then.

I'm not saying that everyone should spank their kids or that teachers should do it, but the words 'play nice' don't instill anything in a kid. The kids have to be taught to control themselves. My son knows that hitting, kicking and pushing are not allowed. Because he knows what is nice and what is not nice. He was taught these things before he even got into school. And then when he gets into school, he is being bullied for not being bad like the other kids. The ones who are being the bullies. "Oh, we keep our eyes out", the teachers always say about the bullying taking place when their backs are turned. They can't be everywhere at once. They know that, we know that... Maybe my son sees this and says to himself 'why bother doing what they want me to do if they don't even help me?' I have asked myself this question concerning a lot of people in my life, but mostly doctors and people involved with the Children's Aid. I am supposed to call them today, but I'm going to wait until an awkward hour because they tend to call me in the middle of dinner. As ignorant as they are. Have to expect stupid things from ignorant people. How are people in the position to help supposed to help if they don't know how? I always thought being left alone would help, but I'm pretty sure I need some actual professional help. Something that might actually help me. But again, it boils down to who is there to help? Who is there only for the money?

Enigma

2011-02-06T01:38:00.000-05:00

Things are still going... I can't say they are going well right now. Just going. I went to a bar and had a few drinks. I've been feeling low. All it did was give me a headache. Watched a movie called: "He's Just Not That Into You". About dating. I was sort of thinking about dating before I watched that movie.

I went upstairs and asked him if he'd help me find a date. He said he'd ask around. I'm not putting a lot of hope into it. Just get lonely sometimes. I shouldn't be thinking about it at all. Thinking about this for a long time. Thinking about it never helped me. Just made me sad, still makes me sad. That's why I shouldn't think about it. I didn't take my profile off the dating site, but I hid it. I seem to meet the wrong kind of guys anyway.

Or I meet the right kind of guys but they're 'just not into me'. Because they are married or what-have-you. Over the last few years, it's like building a wall around myself because I've been so tired of all the sh*t that comes before the 'finding someone'. I keep saying to myself that if I keep this wall up, maybe someone might want to see what's on the other side, the inside. Someone might want to scale this wall just for the challenge of it and might like what he finds. But I guess the wall around me is transparent. They already see what I'm trying to hide and it's not even worth getting excited over.

Sometimes I'll get hit on online, but that never happens out there, when I'm not at a computer. Guys may feign interest to test me to see if they have a chance to sleep with me. That's all they seem to want. So I kept telling myself that I'd stay as far away from that as possible because it doesn't mean what it is supposed to anymore. Not for me. A lot of people don't understand why I'm trying to stay away from it. They think I'm being too uptight. I'd rather protect myself from getting hurt. Which seems to happen more than I'd like. But nobody likes getting hurt.

Being alone so long has given me time to think about things. I've thought about a bunch of things, but I still have unanswered questions about myself that only I can find an answer to. I am thinking that as long as I don't have an answer to the question I might not be ready. Actually, answers to a few questions...
Why am I happier being in love? Why am I unhappy being alone? Why can't I be happy when I am alone? I can choose to be happy, it is a choice. All emotions are chosen, purposely or not. I need to learn how to make choices. It's a stupid thing. It sounds so stupid, but it is true.

One of my biggest problems is the inability to choose. To just decide. To make decisions. It makes me sound bad. It does. I know in most cases I'm forced to just make a decision. But I usually pick something that isn't the right choice. I know that I settle too much for what I know I can have in life, and I don't try to have what I think I cannot have. Most of the things I really want out of life I believe that they are a long shot for me. I try to laugh it off, laugh off the wanting it. Because it sort of makes me feel better for not having what I want.

I have to decide what I am and what I am not. I am what I want to be, I am not what I do not want to be. That is the way I want to think. Who said: "I think, therefore I am"? I forget who said that. A lot of metaphors make sense.

I think I am lonely because I'm not happy. If I was happy, I'd be less lonely. I've been alone before. Lots of times before. Still, I have nothing really to cling to. I don't even want to cling to anything. What is there other than hope? I'm not entirely hopeless. I know there are lots of good things about me. I know I have a good heart. That's why I don't want it broken again. I don't need to be any more jaded than I already am.
I know that I am capable of loving someone on a sincere, deep, profound level. Just depends on if there is someone who deserves me, the special things I have to offer.

It's hard to figure me out. I have layers upon layers and the core is something that always remains hidden to be protected forever. I've kept people at arm's length to keep them from peeling layers off of me. I dislike being completely exposed. It makes me feel too vulnerable. Vulnerability makes me feel too weak. I want to be much stronger than I am, much stronger than everyone thinks I am because I had too many weak moments in the past. Sometimes I think that having those weak moments made me stronger, but other times I think I only had those weak moments because I'm not strong enough to stop myself, or to stop things from happening when they shouldn't be happening. Does that make sense?

Maybe you can think of me like a chocolate with a sweet filling. Except you can't tell what I'm filled with. It's the secret. The secret that may stay a secret forever.

As much of myself I reveal on here, there is still so much I keep to myself. I think I only reveal a fraction of myself here. Because there are too many things I don't know how to express, how to put into words. Even in my poetry... It's hard to find the right words to describe the way I feel, to express exactly what I'm thinking. Maybe that is all part of the secret. All part of the enigma.

Going Bananas

2011-02-04T01:59:00.001-05:00

Someone sent me an email about how bananas are good for you... It goes:

THE BETTER BANANA
A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression "going bananas" is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:

Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!!
This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber.
A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.
But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B 6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B 6, B 12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the doctor away!"

PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!!

So now I've shared it with you! Here's something else....

How to Make Peanut Butter Cookies in 8 Mins

By cpboojp, eHow Member

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:

one egg
one cup of peanut butter
one cup of sugar
cookie sheet
oven
fork\spoon

Preheat your oven to 350

In a large mixing bowl measure out one cup of peanut butter.

Measure out one cup of sugar. Poor into bowl with peanut butter.

Mix sugar , peanut butter and egg together till sugar has all mixed it self with the peanut butter

Roll contents into balls and place on a cookie sheet.

Place cookie sheet in oven for around 8 mins.

Pull cookies out and grab a fork and mush down. Let cool and are ready to eat.

And I say: why not throw a banana into the mix?

Hatchlings

2011-01-31T10:14:00.000-05:00

Today is going to be good because I'm going to get a lot done. I'm going to have ravioli for breakfast. I already fed the snails. Some of the eggs hatched this morning or last night. The babies are really tiny. But there is going to be a lot of them. I'm going to have to talk to the pet store to see if I can bring them in when they get a bit bigger.

I stayed up last night to watch a couple of movies. I watched 'Grand Torino, and Slum Dog Millionaire.' Both were good movies. I borrowed them from the library. I have to stop in there today sometime to return them.

Yesterday, I went to see one of my friends. He loves baking so I asked him to help me bake for a bake sale my son is helping out with. We also made these huge star shaped chocolate chip cookies. It was the first time I used the star tin for anything. I was so happy that they came out nicely. Of course it helps when you grease the pan first. So I have a bunch of chocolate cupcakes for the bake sale and those cookies.

I told my friend about the bakery I saw open on Bank Street. They make the small cupcakes with fancy icing and those silver bead candies on top. Designer cup cakes... As if there wasn't enough designer things out there!

For some reason, I've been craving poutine for the longest time. I love the stuff but I know I shouldn't eat it very often. I can't seem to get enough of it. I've been craving loads of salty things that are not good for me. Chips mostly, and poutine. Probably because of the cheese. I love cheese. My cat loves cheese too, but I was told that cheese is not good for cats. I've been giving my cat cheese for a long time. I tried to give her an egg this morning. She sniffed it and walked away. I've been told that eggs are good for their coats. I know my mom's dog would eat it. She loves donuts, my mom's dog does. In about an hour, I'm going to get my brother up so we can go do a few things today. I want to take him to a rooming house and see if they will rent him a room. Then take him to city hall and get our health cards. I got my son's renewed, but they wouldn't renew mine because I needed proof of address. I have a doctor's appointment to go to coming up soon. A new doctor, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm still waiting for my appointment with a psychiatrist. A month and a half away. Ridiculous. I can't believe I've had to wait such a long time. The health care system is really going to hell. I can't even blame it on the cut backs. I think it's been sh*tty for years. Most institutions are a joke these days. It pisses me off that I've had to wait so long for this. And I'm still waiting. B*stards!

When I woke up this morning, my son was already awake a dressed, but he was on the computer instead of waking me up. His father stayed over here Friday night. I guess he shut off the alarm when he left in the morning. My kid is smart, but sneaky. He turned the volume on the speakers off so I couldn't hear the modem connecting. It's nice that he's quiet sometimes, but when he's not supposed to be doing something, he gets too quiet. I was that way too. Everyone always knew I was up to something if they couldn't see or hear me. I used to look for 'treasures' at my Grandparents' house. Or I was upstairs looking at album after album of old pictures. That was one of my most favorite things to do.

I think I might rest for a bit before it is time to go out today. I've already been outside this morning and it's damn COLD. I cannot stand the deep freeze. One of the reasons I'm looking forward to spring. I'm tired of the freezing cold and the snow. It's easy to get the winter blues, but not so easy to get rid of it. I was sad the other day, so I kept telling myself that there are reasons I should be happy just to be me. I am lucky. There are lots of things I have that others do not. There are lots of things that I am that others are not. For that alone, I should be happy and I should be grateful. After all, I still have potential!

Hormones

2011-01-27T09:49:00.000-05:00

I think it has to be hormones because I'm so deeply sad today. Every month I get zits when I'm going through my 'girly thing'. The zits make it hard for me to feel good about myself. I really hate not having clear skin. I hate feeling disgusting. There isn't much I can do about it. Acne is more than just annoying. It's a self-esteem distroyer. Maybe I'm also depressed because stupid valentine's day is coming up and I know I'm not going to have a date in a long time. Not that the last date I was on turned out the way I wanted.... They never do.

I'd like to feel normal, and loved. I hate feeling so damn lonely. It really gets to me sometimes. I think my stomache sank this morning when I saw 'him' and his wife in the elevator. It reminded me that they are going to be moving to the 8th floor very soon. Which is going to pretty much tear my heart out. I hadn't seen him in a while. I was starting to feel better. But I guess none of that really matters.

Sometimes I feel like crying. Not over 'him', but just because I don't see love in my future. I feel like I'm failing constantly with everything. It's really depressing to feel that way all the time and not know what to do to stop feeling that way. I knit to focus on something else other than my thoughts and feelings. To actually achieve something when what I'm working on is finished. I guess it's a good thing that my next knitting group meeting is on valentine's day because it's not like I'm going to be doing anything anyway. I was awake a long time last night thinking about the debt I have and things like that. I'm feeling really anxious with what I've been dealing with and these emotional rollercoasters. Sometimes I feel great, then I feel like sh*t all over again.

I really don't know what to do. I know I have to figure it out for myself. I guess I've never been taught to figure it out for myself. I just kept letting things happen without having much influence on anything that happened in my life. I really don't know what to do next. With all this stuff going on, it's hard to focus on myself when I have to focus on my son and what his needs are. Some people can do both because their parents taught them and gave them the skills they needed. I have to be my son's parent and my own parent. It's really hard for me to be my own parent. I'm not as stern with myself as I should be. I have been enabling myself when it comes to getting away with things I shouldn't do. I allow myself to procrastinate. I allow myself to get tangled up in so many things that have to be done that I feel trapped and unable to move. Does anyone else feel that way? I keep myself in my 'safe zone' or 'comfort zone' and do the things I feel comfortable doing and everything else stays on the outside. But it all gets to me eventually. My walls around myself aren't strong enough to keep everything out, or to keep myself in.

Sean was right when he mentioned balance. I really have no idea how to achieve balance in my life between the things that I find so hard and the things I find are easy. I want to let myself get away with only doing the easy things. But the only way I can get anywhere is by doing the hard things. The things that are so hard that I feel like I can never do any of them.

I'm still waiting for my appointment to come around. My appointment with a psychiatrist. I made the appointment last year and it's still over a month away. I think I would have benefited if I could have had an earlier appointment. Still, things are difficult and I really don't know if I can keep going sometimes. Maybe the medication isn't working. I still feel extremely anxious. Like when I had that meeting at the school and there were three of them and only one of me. That made me feel trapped and made me feel like I had to defend myself and defend my son even though he was still in class. They were all taking notes for a report and it made me feel like it was some sort of interrogation thing. I really wasn't feeling good in that room with them. I really don't feel good around people of authority because it makes me feel powerless. It makes me feel like the weak one. It makes me feel like there is nothing that I can do and they can do whatever they want and get away with it. I've always felt that way because there was always and is always someone holding their authority over me and making me feel insignificant. My thoughts and feelings about the situation are the actual causes of my feelings of insignificance, but I usually get those thoughts and feelings around anyone who has 'authority' over me.

I'm not sure when my anxiety started. I think that it started in college, but it probably started way before that. I think it started when I was in grouphomes and fosterhomes because I felt trapped. I felt like there was nothing I could do to get out of there except to run away. When I ran away, I felt less anxious. But there was always that feeling that I was days away from getting caught and sent back or sent somewhere else. Then the dreaded meetings with my lawyer. I liked the guy, it wasn't his fault that he always had bad news. Bad news being I had to stay longer because court cases kept getting remanded. It was like punishment for not even having done anything. Perpetual punishment.

Some people would look at my life and say I've come far. But I don't feel like I've come far enough. I still feel like I'm years behind. Emotionally and all of that. I can't pretend that I don't feel this way, it really wouldn't do me any good. I'm not good at pretending anyway. It would only help to actually start feeling good. For real. What is it going to take to start feeling good?

This Stuff...

2011-01-26T02:45:00.000-05:00

I've been kind of stressed out because it seems like I'm having to meet with people at my kid's school on a weekly basis. It's like they're assessing me as a parent as much as they are assessing my son as a student. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. It makes me very anxious and wary. It makes me feel like they are interrogating me. Asking me for suggestions about what should be done because they really have no ideas.

I find that they take an arrogant tone and asking me if I feel like they think their blaming me... Should I feel that way? Are they suggesting that I should feel that way?

The pyschologist said that he's above average in a lot of areas. I already knew that he is. I'm telling them that he is bored at school. He's reading history books and doing grade 4 math. They say that he's having social problems. Hell, I still have social problems. Wow, my son is an introvert. Just like me. But they make this such a big deal. 'We're concerned about his mental state', 'We're on his side.' Things like this. They are trying to kiss my ass and slap me in the face at the same time by trying to make me little offers. I even had one of his teachers say that she felt bad for me. I don't need pity. Maybe I should have pity on her for thinking she need pity me.

What is there to feel bad for? Me struggling? Yeah, that makes a difference to someone who makes money to send their kid to space camp. Should it make a difference to me? No. Because this is what I know. I am strong. Maybe I'm weak for thinking that I couldn't use some help with things. But I'm not going to beg for it. I'd rather do what I needed to do. But anyway, I guess it doesn't mean the end of the world. It just really bothers me. I'm thinking about putting him into a new school altogether.

I'd like him to have a specialized education program. Where he can do work at his own level. I'd like him to work on projects because I know that he asks so many questions and he learns by doing research. He looks up stuff on google all the time. He even told me that his idol is Einstein. Serious! They have him in the second grade and he's doing the work but I think he wants something where he is learning something new all the time. He thrives on information and answers. I thought he'd like a movie about landing on the moon. It is a documentary called: "In the Shadow of the Moon". We both ended up falling asleep watching it the other night. He said explosions make him not feel good. We were watching a movie about nature's events. It's about the arctic and how the winter is darkness during the day and night and the summer is daylight day and night. He thought that was pretty cool. The land of the midnight sun. Polar bears, and sea birds. He loves learning about animals. He told me: Mommy: "Animals are people too." Maybe people are animals too... I feel bad that most of the questions he has for me I can't answer. I have to tell him that I don't know. Then I forget to find out for him. He wanted to know who shot J.F Kennedy. Since that happened in the 60's and so did the lunar landing.

His thing lately is reading the comics from the newspaper.

Late Nights, Early Mornings

2011-01-24T02:37:00.000-05:00

For some reason I've been unable to get to sleep at a reasonable time. I went through this before. I hate going through this because although I get lots of time to myself, to think, and do whatever, it leaves me exhausted during the day. I think part of the problem is enjoying the time to myself, the other part is drinking loads of tea all night long because I like drinking tea.

I stay awake all night thinking about what I should and could do, but I never seem to do any of it. Just having all these crazy ideas. Fantasies. Pretty much is all it is. I hope that I can get through the issues I'm having and get something done this year. I have this whole year to do something for myself, and I really have to push myself to do it. My friend told me that I'll feel better after I do something, it is true. It does make me feel better. I guess I have been slacking off, due to lack of confidence in myself, as well as just feeling generally rotten. Maybe it's hard to explain.

I think the words one of my friends said, "Unless you're going through it, you just don't understand."

I've been having some insightful conversations recently. A buddy said that trying to be hardened makes you lose yourself. I find that the softer I am, the more of myself I lose. Then we had a talk about strength and how being as hard as stone isn't enough, then being hard as steel isn't enough, but being as strong as the wind is the strength to aspire to. I think the strength of the sea is much more powerful. Something I've never seen.

Sometimes I think about what it'd be like to go and see the ocean for myelf. People who have already seen it don't understand what it's like for those who haven't. People who've lived close to it their whole lives just get used to it and imagine that most people have seen it. I think of how I've wanted to see it... After I get married... But that is a dream in and of itself. The way things are going, I could be single for another 4 years... If the world doesn't end in 2012. I don't think it will because I don't want to believe that humans could predict that. We are just humans. There are so many secrets of the universe that science cannot explain, that our minds just cannot comprehend. We weren't meant to know some things anyway.

So I'm going to start trying to get there. I haven't. I have just stood by countless times because I felt like nothing I do really makes much of a difference. But not doing anything still makes no difference. Or it means that nothing happens. I've been depressed because I don't see an end to some of the problems I've been having because they haven't gotten much better. I admit I wasted a lot of time. Years. I thought that getting on some medication would help, but it isn't. I really do lack direction in my life. It bothers me. I feel like I should be going somewhere, because I should. I don't have anyone but myself to blame for not getting anywhere all this time. I keep saying to myself that it's due to these problems I'm having. I want to feel good. I want to feel normal. I want to feel sane. I want to be healthy and happy so that my son can be healthy and happy.

Creativity

2011-01-21T23:44:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling creative lately. Creative with my writing, even though I haven't really started writing again. With my knitting, and I'd love to start painting. I haven't painted anything for a long time. I can't say I'm good at painting, I wish I were, but I'm not. I've seen some amazing art recently and it got me wanting to try again. I used to draw a bit when I was younger, but my art is nothing like the art I've seen by people who've been drawing their whole lives.

I'm trying to get my son to write more. He wants to create a T.V show about animals. We sat down together the other day and we came up with the characters. He's working on writing the stories.

I finished reading the book I got for my birthday. I still think about it. A lot. I think about what their families must be going through. I can't imagine.

Ottawa... Well, a 16 year old girl was kidnapped and raped. The killer dumped her in a park and ride and took off. The girl is still alive, but it's something she'll have to live with forever. It brings memories to the family of a girl who was from the same area who was kidnapped and killed. Her body was found in a swamp area, off a hiking trail. That was a few years ago, but it is still pretty fresh around here. Like I said, it could happen anywhere. The fact that it happens during the day, that bothers me, but the fact that it happens at all bothers me more. It does more than just bothers me. It makes me angry. Even though there isn't anything I can do about it. I get nervous when I see young girls by themselves in my neighborhood. I want to do what I can to make them safe. I see a lot of kids walking to school by themselves and walking home from school by themselves. I hate to hear of anything bad happening to them.

Another thing that bothers me... I read in the newspaper that 3 suspects in a murder were granted bail. That makes me so mad. The guy they killed died before Christmas, like a month ago and they get bail! Years ago, there was a guy who was killed at Midway. The guy who stabbed him with a sword was on bail for something else. It makes me mad because if he hadn't been granted bail, the guy would still be alive. They are saying that they are looking for a 4th suspect in the shooting, but I have a feeling that there wasn't a 4th. Maybe they just say there's one more guy out there to all point their fingers at instead of pointing the fingers at themselves... But that's just me. Like one MONTH ago! That's way too early to get bail in my opinion. What happened to the victim's rights? What if these guys just take off while they are on bail? Then it would take that much longer for justice for the guy's family. They must be as mad as hell. I'm not even related to the guy and I'm pretty pissed off about it.

I overheard a cop talking to someone about that case where they removed the woman's bra when she was in custody. Their excuse is that if a bra has wire in it, it could be used as a weapon, or used to hurt themselves with. I was pretty disgusted when I heard that. Like seriously, if you think someone is going to tear their bra apart to get the wire out to hurt themselves with... Pay close attention to them, but for f*ck's sake, it is like going overboard when they start removing their clothing, especially a bra... That should be an infringement on civil rights. They already make them remove their shoes because of the laces... What's next, please remove your panties or we will remove them for you?! For f*ck's sake! Bastards. And they think this is acceptable. Because they get away with it due to making it look like a safety concern. One of the reasons I don't want to be a cop, especially in this city, is the shitty politics and the way they mistreat people. Ottawa cops have these over inflated egos that really need to be deflated. They get information from unreliable sources and instead of listening to the truth they assume they know everything. I hate them because of their attitude on the job. They are people and should recognize that they are not above the law. Being forced to expose your breasts because they took your bra should be an infringement on civil rights. It really makes me mad that they seem to get away with that. It's not right. It doesn't make a difference to me if the cop is a female who takes the bra. It still doesn't sit well with me.

I'm Tired

2011-01-21T01:46:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I went on a date. It was good. To get out, to meet someone new. I guess I'm having issues. He was so nice to me all night long, I just found him a bit agressive in some instances. Scared me a little but I didn't tell him that he was scaring me. I said I was a little concerned. So he drove me home. Which was nice. I think he meant the best. Just I'm not used to that kind of thing. When I find myself in a situation where a guy gets horny, I try to get out of there. I know there have been times where girls like me found themselves in situations like that, but they couldn't get out of there. The guy got angry about the rejection and killed them, and dumped their bodies as though they were never a person. I think about the risks sometimes. I know I'm taking risks when I date. That's part of the reason I don't want to date anymore. Say I meet a guy who seems very nice at first, then they get angry because I don't want to sleep with them (even though it is my choice) they could get so angry that they kill me.

There was a prediction about my death, that my body would be found in a garage in Hamilton, and I would die due to strangulation with a rope. The intials of my killer are C.R, Roberts being the last name of my predicted killer. The thing with me is that I do tend to trust strangers because I want to be able to trust people in general. Because of this, I know that something bad could happen to me. This is why I take a chance when I try to 'meet new people'. There are so many crazy people out there who tend to expect things to happen the way they dream they will happpen. They get frustrated and angry when things don't go their way. Anger to the point of murder. Like one of the last books I read about a murder in Hamilton. Two actually. The guy who killed both women killed them because they wanted to leave and he couldn't stand women leaving him. He dismembered both women. One was his wife and he melted her body parts into a molten steel vat. The other was a woman who wanted to leave. The guy was creeping her out. Sometimes guys creep me out. Sometimes they really do. I think I'm done for 'dating' for now. I don't need any man in my life. I definitely do not need another baby. That's why I'm scared about having sex. Because it scares me, I don't want to, and rarely think about it. One of my fears is being raped. Because that has to do with sex, it turns me off of having sex. Does that make sense? Seeing it in words...

Plus, when I was younger, before I could rent a place for myself... There were a couple of guys who tried to get me addicted to cocaine. I was young, already smoking pot, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Once I realized what was going on, I was out of there. Often guys on the street will find a young girl around the age I was and try to get them addicted so that she'll sell herself to not only keep herself in supply, but him as well. This is the logic of guys who are already addicted. I know a guy who is addicted. I wish he'd get off it. Once I knew what it was doing to me, I never went back. I wouldn't think about it. I have seen for myself what it does to people, what it makes them do. I wasn't about to waste my life over it. I waste too much of my life as it is with my talking myself into not feeling guilty about not doing anything with my life. I know I could be way worse off, but I'm still not achieving anything all that great right now. I'm just trying to raise a kid when I have enough problems without all those things.

People seem to think that because I was young, they could take advantange of me. They didn't realize how strong I am. How strong I was back then. But I don't think it is much to do with strength anymore. I think it has a lot to do with luck. Lucky that I didn't end up like so many girls out there, either selling themselves for a living and to support a drug habit, or dead without a trace left of me to find. I am still scared that I might end up dead one day because I want to trust the wrong guy. Because I want to believe in everyone the way I want them to believe in me. I don't know what it is. Maybe the part of me that says 'people still want to help each other' still comes to me when I want to think that I'm afraid. I guess I get afraid for the wrong reasons.

I can't help it if someone likes me more than I expected. But when that happpens, it sort of bothers me. Because I'm used to the ones I really like, not liking me the way I like them. Or if someone gets a bit aggressive to my tastes, it bothers me because I can only dream of a certain level of respect. I never get that, rarely, ever. I think that most guys on those internet dating sites only want one thing and when they don't get it, well they usually move on. I'm just saying I don't think they should think I'm like other girls because I'm not. I have some values or else I would sell myself, or I would be hooked on drugs. Or I would just have sex with just about anyone. BUT I DON'T WANT TO! I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL. Maybe it's a combination of strength and luck. Mainly luck. The fear within doesn't want me want to keep meeting guys. It makes me scared. It makes me withdraw more.

Nothing Much is Happening

2011-01-18T01:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm a year older but still don't feel like I am. Nothing much is going on here. I can't really share any exciting news. I'm realizing that the long distance thing wouldn't have worked out. Besides being in another country, he's not over his ex, yet. I made the mistake of dating before when the guy wasn't over their ex. Which totally sucked.

I'm still working on the sweater. I thought I'd be done by now. I think this is one of the longest times I ever stuck with one knitting project. Sometimes I get tired of working on the same thing so I start something else. Tonight I got a whole bunch more wool, that I didn't really need, but took anyway. It was being given away at the knitting guild meeting. I hope I can get the full membership next month. It's always in the middle of the month when I am so ridiculously broke, like I am now. I had to scrape together the money to get some dinner and to get to the meeting. Now I can't go anywhere for the rest of the week.

But... I have a 'date' coming up. I hate using the word date because I don't really want to think about dating right now. Just because every time I try to date, it gets really messed up and it makes me sad for a while. Depending on how messed up it is, is how long I'm sad for afterwards. The last time I went on a date, it didn't go all that well. It started off nice, but the rest of it really sucked.

It will be nice to get out of the house for a while. I do like that. If the guy is a nice guy, then bonus. My problem is that I think most guys are nice at first, then they show their true colors, which I really hate.

For my birthday, I bought myself a book called: 'Unsolved' About unsolved murders and missing people who vanished without a trace. Litterally no trace left. It is haunting. All the cases are Canadian cases. Most of them from the Toronto area. I tell my son all the time that it doesn't matter where you're from, kids get taken from everywhere. Mostly big cities like Toronto, but can happen anywhere. In broad daylight. It's crazy. The last chapter I read was about a girl my son's age. Her mother let her go to the pool with her friend, but she didn't meet up with her friend. She was never seen again. There was another case where the girl was older, but just vanished. Never seen again. I think one of the worst things is not knowing what happened to them. I mean you can keep hoping they are alive, but after 25 years... Or when 25 turns into 40 years...

This kind of stuff just always stays with you. It never leaves your mind, and even when it does, it'll keep coming back. People who deal with these things every day can never get images out of their heads. I read in one case one of the cops, who found the body of a girl inside a refrigerator, killed himself because it hit too close to home. The whole week they were looking for this girl, she'd been dead inside a fridge, inside her killer's room. They knew who killed her, but never caught him.

The things that actually happen... I can't believe they happen. I don't want to believe that they happen. They shouldn't happen, but they do.

Birthday Blues

2011-01-12T09:40:00.000-05:00

I am turning 27 today. Feels like a birthday because I have to keep reminding myself that it is. I'm really tired, stayed up late last night. I got my son off to school and I think I will have a rest. Not sure what I'm going to do today or tonight, but I'll have to see. I really would like to go out, even though I don't really have anyone to go out with. So, I'll just end up going out by myself. Yesterday wasn't such a great day for me. After finding out about my father's mother like that... I guess if I had tried to look them up before, I would have read that a long time ago. Not like I could have gone to her funeral anyway. I missed his and I've missed hers. I wonder if anyone in that family would have recognized me. Maybe my Uncle. He's the last one I saw. I wonder if he still lives in Ottawa. He probably doesn't remember when my birthday is. Come to think of it, I don't know when his is, either.

My father's birthday was on Valentine's Day. As if that day was bad enough.... So hard for me, yet nobody to spend it with. Oh well... Who cares, right?

My Family

2011-01-11T05:55:00.001-05:00

I was depressed and thinking of my father's side of the family. I was thinking about writing my Grandfather a letter and actually sending it this time. I don't think it would have made much of a difference. I was looking for their address online. I found something else instead:

.Landry, Marjorie

Published: Tuesday, November 27, 2007
At London Health Sciences Centre- Victoria Hospital on Saturday, November 24, 2007. Marjorie Florence (Rajala) Landry of Arkona, age 65. Beloved wife of Gerald and loving mother of Laura (Bob) Macdonald, Karen (Dale) Holland and James Landry. Predeceased by one son Tom Landry. Grandmother of Sarah, Melissa, Stuart and Abbie. Dear sister of Judy (Bill) Milne, Hector Rajala, Richard (Carol) Rajala, Ilona (Mike) Lanteigne, Rita (David) Sutherland, Wendy Rajala, Lynn (Terry) Mahoney, Lisa Cormier, and Katy (Richard) Gabers. Predeceased by parents Edwin and Lillian Rajala. Memorial service will be held at the Gilpin Funeral Chapel, Forest on Friday, November 30th at 1:30 p.m. Visitation one hour prior to service. Memorial donations to the Cancer Society gratefully acknowledged. Condolences to www.gilpinfuneralchapel.com

Nobody told me she had cancer. Nobody told me she had died. Too late to go to her funeral and they couldn't even spell my name right in her obituary. What a way to find out. So many years after... On the internet. All I knew was her first name and my father's last name. I knew they lived in Arkona because my father sent me a few letters from there. I was hoping she would still be alive. My father's father could be dead now for all I know. Nobody ever tells me anything. But I guess I have my ways of finding out.

It makes my relationship with my mother's mother all that more important to me. I guess I will be grieving for the Grandmother I never really knew. The last time I saw her, I was 10 years old.

What to Do?

2011-01-11T01:57:00.000-05:00

I'm having some emotional issues. Not sure what to do about it. Been introduced to someone I really like, but he lives so far away. Really not sure what to do....

I'm having a hard time with it. I really am. It's just not fair. Nothing is, but still. If we lived near each other we would be dating. The distance is what is keeping us apart.

I don't know why I'm writing about it. I keep having problems when it comes to 'love'. Always so far out of reach for me. Dare I chase that dream again? Dare I risk getting crushed again? I want to say it's worth it. I want to say that I want to fall in love again. Just never seems possible. Ever. It's enough to drive me crazy. It really is. Why can't I just finally find it and have it to keep for as long as it can last? Why do I keep thinking I'm so close this time when the odds are against me? I am starting to feel good again and I have to stop being so damn hopeful. I really think I'm pitiful. This whole want to be loved and to love... It hurts so bad not being able to have the only thing you want, the one thing you really need.

Newspapers

2011-01-07T03:31:00.000-05:00

I signed up for newspapers on some promotion deal. They are to be delivered to my door. Someone has been stealing them for quite some time. I plan on catching this person in the act. It's been going on long enough. It's not the newspaper, it's the idea that you don't take something that doesn't belong to you. That is the idea. Paper is paper, I could read it on their website if I wanted. I just hate people stealing from me.

So I have been staying up most of the night lately. I hate how I feel the next day. Horrible, drained. Yet my body doesn't want to stop. I feel like there is so much to be done that could be done that I just don't want to rest. It takes a toll on me. Night after night. I'm going to have to stop doing this.

Anyway, there was a thing at the library today where their computers were down so I got to take out movies for 3 weeks instead of 1. I also picked up another book. It's called: 'Vanished'. About a murder in Hamilton in 1999. Should be good, author is said to be Canada's Top True Crime writer. Jon Wells.

School Sucks

2011-01-05T12:49:00.000-05:00

I didn't mind school when I was a kid. It let me get away from home which wasn't a happy place for me when I was a kid. The only escape I had was school after my mother sold my bike to my neighbour and I had to watch my neighbour riding my bike. It killed me.

School wasn't always a happy place for me either. I used to get bullied. Quite a bit. But I think after a while they learned I wasn't going to put up with it. The worst time in school I had I think was grade 6, 7, and grade 9. Grade 8 was good because I had a really good teacher. When I graduated from highschool, I invited him to my graduation.

Anyway... The reason I'm writing about school is because my kid is having a hard time at school. He keeps telling the teachers that he's being bullied, yet they don't seem to be doing anything about it. So he ran away from school today as like a last ditch attempt to protest. His teacher followed him home 'to make sure he was safe' but I think she wanted to talk to me about what happened at school. Then she left. Then, there was a knock at the door and a cop, his principal, and his teacher were at my door. Like I needed that!

They talked to him about the dangers of being out there alone. Even though I had already let him have it with the stranger danger talk again. I keep telling him about that girl who was walking home from school and was abducted. She was a couple years older than my son. It's too easy to lure kids away because they want to trust adults. They are told that they are supposed to be able to trust adults, just can't trust people you don't know.

After I dropped my son off at school one day, there was a girl walking to school by herself, so young. So I asked her if I could walk with her. I wanted her to be safe. This is a bad neighbourhood. It really is. If I can stop something from happening, of course I will. You never know who is lurking around. Ted Bundy looked like a normal guy, but he was anything but normal. Clifford Olson killed like 11 kids or more. Kids are taken and murdered and we hear about it on the news, we read about it in the papers. We never think it would happen to our own kids, but it can. It could.

I'm really hoping that my son realizes what he did. I hope that his father starts to stand up for him when it comes to talking to the school. I have tried and they don't seem to take any of this seriously, yet they keep sending their social worker to harrass me and the CAS to harrass me every chance they 'get'. I try to be a good Mom. I try. I just can't cut it. This is so stressful and I don't see the end of it. I hope there is, but I really don't know. I want to say that it'll get easier, but I really can't say for sure. The social worker says she wants to help but she's just getting on my nerves. CAS... Well they aren't really the helpful kind. They just want to make parents look bad. No matter what I say to them, they will think what they want. I'm tired of trying to defend myself, I'm tired of having to defend my kid, too. I shouldn't have to do it. I mean there shouldn't be a reason to have to keep defending him or myself. I'm so tired. Lack of sleep and lack of hope does that to people. Makes them both weary and leary.

Grumpy or Angry?

2011-01-05T10:03:00.000-05:00

Things are not going so well for me these days. I'm grumpy, but I'm starting to think that it's more than grumpiness. Seems like people want something from me, but then when I want something, it's like I'm asking for too damn much. Like would it kill you to call a girl after you go on a date with her? Would it? Not that I'm going to go on a second date with him. Especially not now. I don't play stupid little games like that. It's either yes, you are interested, or no, you are not. Simple, isn't it? The lack of effort means, he is not, but you know what? I don't really care. It just goes to show what people are like. Note to self: Don't date Catholics. Every time I ever tried to date a Catholic, I seem to get the same 'give me the world for nothing' attitude. Why? I never had that problem with anyone I dated who wasn't Catholic. Not that religion matters to me, just noticing a disturbing pattern that I reallly do not like. Like these guys seem to think I should just give them what they want all the time. No matter what it is. They don't even ask first. They just seem to do what they want without thinking about others. Just my experience.

I think I wanted to write that for a long time, just never had the guts. I don't care what anyone thinks of me for saying that. I'm not saying I'm right (or wrong), just saying how I feel. After this I really don't want to date anymore. It wasn't the best date I ever went on and his lack of effort afterwards is just another strike. Do people seriously think I'm going to sit around and wait for them? If they do, they are sadly mistaken. I'd rather be single the rest of my life than be with someone who thinks of me as a joke. That's all I seem to be to most guys anyways. That's what most guys are to me. A joke. The kind of joke that is so terrible it makes you cry. But I'm not crying over anyone anymore. No point. I just internalize it and I get more jaded and more reluctant to date anymore. I think I keep trying because I get lonely. Well suck it up! I should be used to being lonely and alone in this world. I'm alone like 90% of the time anyway. I'm tired of making the same mistakes (which is dating). The desire to be loved just sort of takes over the feeling of being ok with myself.

I'm not a bad person. I try hard to be nice even when people are being bastards all around me. I try to help out even though because I do that, people seem to take advantage of me. I guess I seem to let them. F*cking bastards! It's always girls like me who get taken advantage of. Why not girls who take advantage of others? Why aren't they being taken advantage of? Like the book I just finished reading... The woman was married 5 times and took advantage of every husband she had. She was terrible, and killed at least one of them, that they can prove because she's still sitting in a jail cell.

My jail cell is the life I've been living. It is my sentence for whatever reason. Maybe I did something that I'll be paying for, for the rest of my life. It just seems like I can't get anywhere. So far, things are just not going well. Most of the time, I don't know what to do about it. Most of the time I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. Just lay there awake at night, all night, seething underneath. Yes, I am angry. Angry that I get the short stick in most situations and everyone else seems to be laughing at me.

So this woman who ends up killing one of her husbands, was married 5 times... When some people can't even get married once in this life time. And all of that was wasted on her. Could anyone love me enough to marry me? I doubt it. I don't think I'm ever going to get married, but the way I feel about guys these days, it wouldn't be a bad thing. At least being single, there's a lot less bullshit. Except the trying to date bullshit, but who needs that when every time I try, I end up feeling like the less I want a boyfriend.

Breakfast on Pluto

2011-01-04T18:46:00.000-05:00

I wasn't tired last night so I watched a movie called 'Breakfast on Pluto'. Was pretty good. I liked it. There were a few twists I didn't expect and I like that, too.

Been really sore and a bit grumpy because of being sore and being tired most of the time. I have a feeling that it's going to be a long night again. I have to take some movies back to the Library tomorrow. There are a few things I have to get done that I'm not looking forward to. The more I wait to do them, though, the more they need to be done so I'm not doing myself any favors by not getting it done.

Been falling asleep during the day when I should be getting things done. I'm mad at myself for that. I want to be awake during the day and able to sleep at night. I had a bad problem last fall when my sleeping patterns were way out of whack. It's happening again. At least I'm getting more reading done, but that's a moot point.

New Start?

2011-01-04T00:54:00.000-05:00

This is a brand new year, but I feel the same, been up to the same old... I'd like some excitement...

I tried to date, but that doesn't seem like it's going to work. So... No more of that! I'm waiting to hear back from the guy, but I doubt I will. Just because. I just have that gut feeling. Maybe he's not right for me anyway. There were a few things about the date I really didn't like. So maybe it's for the best.

Anyways, I've been getting frequent headaches lately. I really hate that. So I hope that it doesn't continue. I have to go get a new health card. I was going to go today, but I didn't end up making it. I think they were closed today anyway. A bunch of things were still closed. Doesn't surprise me.

There's not much going on over here. Still knitting up a storm. Got a knitting video from the library and learning a few new things. I'm still awake so I think I should watch a movie, then go to bed. I have a hard time going to bed these days. Then I get exhausted during the day. I wish my body would function properly!

Statistics

2011-01-01T07:28:00.001-05:00

I'm so glad Christmas is over. It gets so depressing. Some people are cheerful, while other people attempt or succeed at suicide. It's a grim topic to write about, but I can relate. Do you know how I found out how many people killed themselves the same year my father killed himself? On a pack of smokes! Because Stats Canada wanted people to know what was the leading cause of preventable death. Smoking! Not surprising.

In 1998, which was close to the year he died, close to 3,700 Canadians committed suicide. Which is close to the number I read off the pack of smokes for 1996. That was close to 10 suicides per day. More people attempt suicide than succeed. Per completed suicide there's about 20 attempts. They include the statistics for Canadians 10 and over! 10! What the f*ck! Why are they so young? I can recall being pretty young the first time I thought about it. Around that age, come to think of it. Because I recall where I was living at the time. I remember how old I was when I moved there.

I remember hearing about a kid who went to the same school as I was who hung himself when he was 12. I was 14 when I heard about him. Just crazy times.
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When I was about that age... I shared a bottle of wine with a guy who confessed to me that he had tried to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head. He had shot off the bottom portion of his face. He told me the doctors took part of his thigh to reconstruct his face and part of his hip to fix his jaw bone. That's not all he told me that day... He expected that I 'pay' for the booze, but I just left. Probably only revealing that because it came to mind, but maybe it is easier to tell a bunch of strangers things than tell people in my own family.

Just crazy times... What can I say? I didn't turn up alcohol because it helped me escape. There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't drunk for months at a time, until I got sent back and escaped again... I wanted to be free, but I wasn't. I doubt I'd ever be free, but the responsibility is the only reason I'm alive. I can't think that my life is more than this. I don't know why, just doesn't feel like it's ever going to be more than this... Ridiculous. Ridicilousness...

I look at myself now and I think I haven't gotten so far. I think about it as though I'm still stuck, which I am. Only years later... How many years? Over 10 years! It scares me! Life scares me, but I have to live it. Looking at myself and judging myself, pretty hard, I must add. Why must I add it or even write about the desire to add it? Why do my words occupy space? Why do I get drunk waiting to just tear into something stupid?

But I'm the one who should feel stupid. I do stupid things all the time, I hate myself for doing all the stupid little things that I do. The more I want to change, the harder it seems. Does that make sense?
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Suicide statistics though... In 1997, Findland was the country with the highest suicide rate.
Over 20 per 100, 000...

Age-standardized suicide rates,†
selected countries, 1994 to 1997

Finland (1996)
Over 20 per 100, 000...
Belgium (1994)
About 18 per 100, 000...
Japan (1997)
About 15 per 100,000...
Canada (1997)
Was in 13th out of 22 selected countries with 14 per 100, 000
United States (1997)
With over 10 per 100, 000
Greece (1997)
With less than 5 per 100, 000 (the lowest suicide rate)

Hectic Holidays

2010-12-22T22:44:00.000-05:00

My mother is coming over here tomorrow and we're going to make a list of the things we still need for Christmas dinner. I have a turkey defrosting in the fridge. My ex is coming over so he can help me get dinner made. I've never cooked a turkey before. Shhhh... Our little secret. He usually stays over night on Christmas Eve. Every year I get him a Guiness Book of World Records. It has been a tradition over the last 11 years.

I still can't wait until it's over. I really can't. Some people get really testy this time of year and being tired is no excuse for being so rude. I'm tired too, but that is life. Everyone is tired of something. That's how it goes.

I keep meaning to make some phone calls and that sort of thing, but it keeps getting late and I've been busy with this non-stop hustle n' bustle. Christmas isn't even over and I saw some Valentine's Day stuff up in one of the stores I was at today. Is there a such thing as a Valentine's Day Grinch? In the past, I was so broken hearted that some days I wonder if I still have a heart. Plus, Valentine's Day was my father's birthday. Maybe I'll just have a few drinks and try to forget how lonely that day is for me. Speaking of drinks, I could use one now... Maybe a cup of tea? Maybe...

I might watch a movie tonight. I got a few at the Library today. I paid off all my fines... *Pat myself on the head* Good Girl! I hate when guys say that to me, like I'm some kind of an animal. Totally beneath them. It makes me mad. I hate being called HUN, too. That is so dumb and just gets on my nerves. I don't think I could date a guy who kept calling me HUN. I know it's supposed to be a term of endearment, but I really do not like it.

Last night I watched the documentary called: 'The Wordz Project'. It was about rap, and poetry. It was pretty good. It reminded me of the time I went to the Chaplaincy and a guy presenting some of his poetry. There's a group called 'Slam Poets' or something like that, they travel to different competitions and such. Was really good. I couldn't compete with my poetry. It's not why I write it. I write it as an emotional outlet. There have been nights I've stayed awake for hours just writing poetry because I just could not sleep until I got my feelings out. Many nights like that. Some nights I can write a lot, other nights I can't write a thing.

My mind has been elsewhere. It's usually wandering around from day to day. What I want to avoid is worrying about the future. I keep worrying about a few things. I'm scared to face them. I'm scared that I dug myself a deep hole where I'm going to find myself over my head. Way over my head. I think I'm going to regret a few choices I made this year and they'll come back to bite me in the ass next year. Do you sometimes feel that way?

Don't Laugh at Me

2010-12-21T02:08:00.000-05:00

This happened a while ago, actually the day I had my job interview....

The night before, we each had a can of coke with our dinners. My son still had something in his can... I went to drink it and discovered that the contents were not what I thought they were.
Apparently, the light was off in the washroom and my son was scared to go in there in the dark so he urinated in the empty can. I, however, didn't know this... I was not impressed to say the least. Imagine my surprise.

Anyway, stop laughing. You'll p*ss yourself!

Christmas Blues

2010-12-20T02:02:00.000-05:00

Christmas is not my favorite holiday. Not by a long shot. When you're a kid, it's a whole different story. But it stopped being fun years ago. I can't remember when it lost its 'magic'. Probably way before I left home. Then my Grandfather got sick and he passed away on the 23rd of December. We burried him on Boxing Day. I feel guilty that I never went to his grave since he died.

My mother wants me to have Christmas dinner here for the family. I sort of got sucked into it. I don't really want to, but I will anyway. I have a turkey. I just want it to be over with. The sooner the better.

Well that's not all that's got me down, but I can't really talk about it right now. I'm kind of stuck somewhere I don't want to be. I know that I can get out of it eventually and when it does happen, and I have to think that someday it will, all of this sh*t will be worth it. When I don't have to feel this way anymore. It'll be all the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. Just to finally get to where I wish I was in life.

What I'd like to know is how the hell it's 2:00 AM already. Last time I looked at the clock it was 10:30 PM. I thought I had the rest of the night to watch a movie. I guess I'll have to wait. I still am going to read before I go to bed, like I usually do. I guess two cups of tea wasn't a good idea before bed. I'm wide awake.

About Yesterday

2010-12-15T05:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was alright. Just was doing everything on automatic pilot. I had stayed up all night watching what I thought was a movie, but was actually a 6 part mini series. It was really good and glad I got to watch it before I had to bring it back. It's called Human Cargo. About how and why people immigrate to Canada, but with a story attached to it. It wasn't like a documentary.

Speaking of documentaries, I got a bunch of them from the library. I got:

~ The wordz project ~... ~ Cover Girl (about Rita Hayworth) ~ ...
~ The Short Life of Jose Antonio Gutierrez ~ ... ~ Streets of New York ~...
~ How to Irritate People (about John Cleese) ~

After the library I went to get my son some things for Christmas. While I was there I met a chick with a kid and I helped her out with her stroller up and down the stairs. We talked about living down town and found out we knew a lot of the same people. A lot of them are dead. Actually most of them. That's when we were living on the streets. Winter used to be a whole different way of life back then. I've slept outside in winter and when I think about it, I appreciate having an apartment now. That was like 12 years ago. I can't believe that I'll never see those people again, the ones who pretty much saved me by telling me to stay in school. All the drugs and alcohol caught up to them. All the winters of their lives caught up to them. Hardly made a dent in me, but they made an impression on me. I loved the freedom. I hated what living on the streets did to them. Took them away. Where they could not be reached.

Anyway, this chick has 5 kids now. I could not imagine. Having one is enough for me right now.

I have a job interview this afternoon. Part of me wants the job, the other part is scared that I will have a really hard time balancing work and being a Mom. Especially since I'm doing all of this on my own. Which makes it that much harder. But when I think of what I've been through and where I am now, things should get better than this.

Whatever

2010-12-13T17:47:00.000-05:00

As my luck would have it... I met a guy a while ago who lives in my building. He's a nice guy... I really liked him... Probably too much... Found out that he's married. Chances were something like that was going to happen. So yeah. When I like someone, things happen. He even asked me if I've ever been married. When I told him it wasn't likely to happen, he asked me if there was someone I had my eye on. I had to say 'not anymore'. He said 'things change, you never know.' He didn't clue in that I was talking about him. Most guys don't. I wasn't going to say. 'Yeah, I almost knocked on your door to ask you out, but I got too scared.' That would have been the truth, but I guess nobody needs to know that. Especially his wife. *Sigh*

So what can I do? Nothing... What makes it worse is that he told me that he and his wife are moving to my floor in a couple of months. Right around Valentines Day. *Blah* and right next to the elevators. *Bigger Blah* So I'll have a hard time using the elevators without thinking about him and he'll be on my floor so I'll probably see him more. He's nice, but it'd do me a lot of good if I don't have to see him again for a VERY LONG time! @#%$%$@!

There is a guy who likes me, but he lives all the way out in Edmonton and long distance relationships are so much harder because of the constant need for communication. When there isn't enough communication, things fall out like one relationship I had where the guy just didn't seem to want to put the effort in. Then the day after we broke up, he had found himself a new girlfriend who I'm pretty sure he had his eye on because she was there and I wasn't. Long distance relationships don't work out. Even sometimes there is too much communication or too many expectations or desires that turn into demands. I HATE being demanded to do something or made to feel bad about not wanting to do something. Just because you want someone to do something doesn't mean you should keep after them to do it. It just pisses me off. Like instead of texting someone to call you, just wait until they call you. Simple.

That's one thing about relationships I've always hated. Some guys are too f*cking demanding. I hate it. I can never date a guy who is going to try to tell me what to do. He can go f*ck himself sideways in a dark alley if he thinks he can tell me what to do. I can't be with someone like that. It bothers me. I can't be in a relationship if the guy is always going to do something that bothers me. Another thing that bothers me is when a guy will repeatedly tell me I'm pretty. Over and over again. It makes me think they have 'clinging' issues. I don't want to be 'clung' to. Or if a guy is overly affectionate. That is a turn off. If I want affection, I'll seek it, but when a guy comes to me when I'm not in the mood, it bugs me. Makes me want to push them away. I think a lot of guys are like that with me too. My EX never wanted affection when I wanted it and I'd cry for hours over it. Rejection in relationships is not healthy. Or maybe too much rejection in a relationship.

But lately, I've been becoming more and more independent and let myself get carried away with this garbage romantic ideal less and less. I still believe that I'm never going to get married. People say 'never say never'... Well I said it. It's hard to find someone I really like. When I do, they have issues that bother me. Or they live too far away for a complete relationship. I don't want to settle for what I can get. I want something that is right for me, at the right time, with the right person. I settled for guys before because I knew that it would be easy. I knew that it probably wouldn't last long because if I'm in a relationship, I'm really f*cking surprised if it lasts longer than a few months. Usually ending with them breaking up with me. I hate doing that. I hate breaking someone's heart. But I figure it is way mean to let someone love you who you don't love the way they love you. In a way, that is why I broke up with my EX. He didn't love me the way I loved him, because if he had, we would have gotten married and I wouldn't have felt like I was just someone to talk to all those years. Who had his child. I never felt good enough for him either. In lots of ways I wasn't. In lots of ways I'm not even good enough for myself let alone being a mother...

When I get a spark of hope in the dating world, it soon gets snuffed out. So I figure it doesn't matter if I'm single. It beats getting hurt so many times that you pretty much never want to try again. I'm not even sure if I'm ready. I'm probably not ready. Falling for married men is usually a sign that I'm not ready. The cruelest trick in the world, but I have to say it is a sign. Phase two is him moving even closer. With his wife. YAY ME!

I'm thinking of telling the guy who is interested in me that I don't think I can do it because of the distance. I'm not sure I can do it at all right now. Because I just can't. I have weaknesses and I have desires. My weaknesses will still get to me but the desires I can quell where they will be waiting for me in hell. To torture me the rest of eternity to the power of infinity. In my hell, I'm the only one who isn't married. *Blah* I hate my hell. But this is what I made for myself.

In the search of what I need, I found that what I need, I cannot have. Also I found that what I can have is what I do not need. Does this count as a catch 22? Or just one of those things? Whatever.

Love Is On The Rise

2010-12-13T10:56:00.000-05:00

My horoscope said that 'love is on the rise'. Interesting. Haven't been in love for so long that I forget what it feels like. Sometimes I think people love each other for the sake of being in love. Some people are just in love with the idea of being in love. I used to be that way. It was the only thing I ever wanted.

But now... I'm busy with my life. Dating is difficult. Especially for a single Mom.

I am SO TIRED today! There were a few things I wanted to do, but I'm so tired. Hard to muster up energy that I just do not have. Plus, I was up late last night. A lot later than I have been in a very long time. I was talking to someone who really likes me. I like him, too. That's all I'm saying for now.

I had a good sleep last night. I just had a hard time getting out of bed because I was comfortable and warm. I have a hard time getting out of bed pretty much every morning. I like days when I get to sleep in. I keep having dreams about being able to float. My lungs fill with air and they lift me up so I can float. It's weird, but it's fun floating around. I also had another dream where I was driving. I don't drive in real life. I just never have. I know I'm getting up there and a lot of people have had driver's licences since they were old enough to get one. But I look at it as though I am saving money by not driving. Gas is so damn expensive. I asked someone once how much they paid for gas in a week and they said easily a hundred dollars. That is per WEEK when a bus pass is close to a hundred dollars per MONTH. Sure, waiting for a bus in the cold really sucks, especially if it is raining, but getting into car accidents suck worse. Especially with the crazy drivers in Ottawa these days. I am amazed at the show: 'Canada's Worst Driver'. How the hell did they get their driver's licence in the first place if they are THAT BAD???

I think the reeason I've been so tired lately is that I haven't been eating a heck of a lot. I get hungry, but until today, I didn't have any money for food. I'm thinking about having hamburgers for dinner. The cook-them-yourself kind. I already have cheese to put on them. I also have to get some milk and some more bread. My kid drives me crazy when it comes to snacks for school. He is getting picky about things he doesn't 'like'. Like bread, he will not eat it. Drives me crazy! I'll open up his snack bag after school and there will be a sandwhich he didn't eat because he won't eat the bread. All he wants is macaroni. I'm getting so sick of macaroni. I am thinking of making a tuna sandwhich for myself soon. I haven't had one in a long time. I just know that as soon as I open the can, in will come little Bailey wanting some tuna, meowing her little furry face off for some. She also loves milk, and cheese. Like when I make a cup of tea, she will be screaming at me until I give her some milk. She's not a dumb cat. She even knows what kind of bag her treats are in. All I have to do to get her going is show her the bag of treats and she knows what's inside.

I ordered the second season of the Simpsons on DVD for my son. He used his own money to buy the first season. So if I don't get it for Christmas, I'll probably have it for his birthday. I think he will be surprised.

In two more days is the knitting guild. I'm excited about going. I have less than two weeks to work on the sweater for my Grandmother and finish the hat I'm making for my son. I've been waiting for the guild meeting for a month. They only meet once a month. I wish it was at least twice a month. But I still knit with my neighbour every day after my son is done school. Her Grandson and my son go to the BGC together. So we sit there and knit our brains out for a few hours. That is what I will be doing, no doubt. Knitting until my brain is mush. I'm hungry, but I don't know what to eat. I have that problem a lot. Not knowing what to eat and then I just don't have anything until I can't stand the hunger anymore. I'd hate to never have any food. I feel bad for those who are starving. People die every day because they have nothing to eat. It makes me sad.

All in all, I'm doing pretty good today. Just so tired. Hungry and tired.

Accomplishing Something

2010-12-12T02:09:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that it is December let alone that it's almost half over. Time goes by so fast lately. I don't know where it's gone. It's hard to believe that Christmas is only a couple weeks away. Before I know it, it'll be over and a whole new year will be starting. I'm nervous about what next year will bring. I'm scared that things will happen that I'll have a hard time dealing with. I know these things will happen whether I'm ready for them or not. But they still make me nervous. Hard to explain.

I want to get more done next year than I've done this year. I found out the hard way that things I wanted to do this year just were not going to happen the way I wanted them to. I seem to relearn this lesson. Maybe it will keep presenting itself until it sinks in.

Even harder to explain is how I feel about where I am in my life. I'm not where I want to be. I've been struggling with my emotions for the longest time. At least it should be easier now that I know what I don't want to figure out what I do want. What I would like is simplicity, but I know that life is too complicated to even ask for much let alone ask for a lot. I can't really ask for anything because I have what I need at the moment. What I don't have, well, I guess I don't need it. Right? I know I could be a lot worse off than I am, so I may as well be happy that I'm not.

If you've been reading this blog for years, you'd know that I've been at very low times in my life where I've had no grip on anything, let alone myself. The depression hasn't stopped me from living my life, the anxiety has made me less involved, but if it weren't for that, I'd feel so much better. I have my good days and bad days, like everyone else, but since I let go of the fixation I used to have, I feel better. Less depressed. It was a burden that I had. The thoughts associated with it would literally burn me out. I still feel like I'm burnt out, but in a whole different way. Love is not going to make me feel better. I lost interest in finding a guy. What would make me really happy is working on myself. Accomplishing something.

Not Giving Up

2010-12-09T10:10:00.000-05:00

I'm generally happy when others are happy, especially if I contribute to their happiness. When people are sad I am sad, too. Especially when they are going through a hard time and there's nothing I can do to help. This year has been the year from hell for one of my friends. He's the kind of guy who, if you knew him, would know that he really deserves so much better in life. He's been there for me when nobody else was, or is. He's so strong that I know he will not give up. Giving up is not an option for him and he would never even think about it. That is one of the things that makes him that much stronger than everyone else I know. I've been sad today, just knowing that he's in pain. The kind of pain that makes you stronger, but still hurts so much. I'll be thinking about him a lot.

I'm trying to keep myself busy today. I have a lot of cleaning to do today. I started cleaning out my closet and I found things that I forgot I had. Plus, I found more wool. I have so much of it that I don't really need any more wool. I have to use up the stuff I have.

I'm so exhausted today. I had a meeting to go to, but I rescheduled it for next week. I just couldn't make it in today. So I'm going to rest and then clean up. I'm a clutter Queen. I don't know why I've kept half the stuff I have kept. If my apartment was on fire, I doubt I'd try to save everything. So why do I have all this stuff that I do not need? I don't know why. I really do not. It's not as bad as on those episodes of 'hoarders', but I need to do something about it before I'm an old crazy woman with a million cats and that sort of thing. I don't ever want to see myself getting that bad. I really do not. Sometimes I have bad dreams about having so much stuff that it takes up the whole dream trying to move it all from one place to another. So I have to do something about that today. I also have to do some other things like make calls. I hate making calls sometimes because I don't know what to say and I panic and hang up before I say anything at all.

But I have to keep at it each day. I have to get over my phone phobia. I have to clean out my closet. I have to put all my wool away. I have to tidy up and put things away. I have to make piles of things I do not need anymore and just do something with those things.

But first I am going to rest because I can't stay awake right now.

Wool Time

2010-12-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

I have a spurt of creative juices flowing tonight. I just got some more wool and if you knew how much wool I already have you would say that I don't need more. My neighbour gave me a whole bag full. I lost my son's hat. I must have dropped it. So I'm knitting him a stalking cap hat. I have made them before. The last one I made was years ago, but I still remember how. Same idea as the hats I usually make, just a different pattern. I remember knitting a lot when I was pregnant.

Anyway, I keep looking at different wool sites and things like that. I found some interesting sites tonight. One is Blanket Boss and the other is Canadian Co-operative Wool Growers Ltd.

One thing I want to learn how to make are socks. I can make slippers, just never made any socks. I have these two projects on the go right now, but when I am done.... I want to start making other things. There are tons of things I want to make, just takes a lot of time to make them. I do like doing other art, haven't really done any drawing for a while, but there is an art program I can go to for free. I like going to destress. That's why I knit so much, to cope with stress. Also because I enjoy making things. I'm still counting down the days for the next guild meeting. I can't get the full membership this month because I've been behind on bills and with Christmas coming up... My Grandmother wraps herself up in the blanket I made her one year for Christmas. I should get a picture of it and I can show you what 8 months of determination looks like. The sweater is going by faster than I had thought because I am working on it every day pretty much. I sit with my neighbour and we knit and chat about stuff. I'm lucky to have her as my friend because she's such a sweetheart. She's been though the mother stuff that I'm going through, we have similar interests, we live in the same building, too. I see her every day.

I took my son to the Library with me today. We borrowed lots of Dvds. He loves watching a good movie. We watched the movie called 'Journey to the Center of the Earth'. He loved it. It was good. I found it a lot different from the last one they made. Or maybe it is another movie I'm thinking of. He also got a couple educational ones. One is Bill Nye the Science Guy. The others are math related. Which he loves. He loves his numbers so if he became an accountant, I wouldn't be surprised.

Before we went to the Library, we went out for lunch. They had a play structure area for the kids. He was having a great time with another little boy, a couple years younger than he was. But then another kid came into the area and started hitting my son and I even saw the boy bite him! My son just stood there because he didn't want to hit the kid back. He knows that he's not allowed to hit anyone. He knows it isn't nice. He knows how mad I'd be. But the kid kept going until I walked in there and told him to stop. His father wasn't watching him because he was getting some food. I felt like hitting his father and saying: "This is what your kid did to my kid." But of course that would be childish. His father was coming over to 'watch his kid' just as we were leaving. I got a number from the lady with the good little boy so we can get our kids together sometime. Isn't her kid, but she was telling me that the kid's father is a single Dad. Of two boys because the kid has an older brother. My son needs some friends. So do I.

After the Library, we went to get his hair cut. He referred to the bad boy as 'that little monster' and told me that he spat in his hair so he wanted to get his hair cut. I thought it was a good idea seeing as he needed a hair cut anyway. He wasn't just spitting on my kid, he was spitting on the other little boy, too.

Anyway, not sure what else to write for tonight.

Shot Through the Heart

2010-12-08T02:06:00.000-05:00

Some things kind of shock me. The sad things. Like on Monday when a teen was shot and left on a sidewalk to die in broad daylight... Some people would say that it happens every day in places like NYC, but not here. Ottawa has 10 homicides this year. Toronto is up to 60 already. Things like this don't happen every day and when it happens, it haunts me. Especially the unsolved homicides. I used to live near where the kid was dumped out onto the sidewalk. A guy saw the whole thing and woke up his mother to help the boy, but he was already gone. It is really sad.

It's crazy how people think they can get away with doing something like that. It's crazy that some people do.

I was reading about how Clifford Olson was denied parole again. I don't know why they let him apply. He killed over 10 people, just kids. The one that got me the most was the 9 year old boy. All of them got to me, just that one stood out the most. Weird how people remember the name of the killer, but often don't remember the names of the victims. The killer is recognized for the infamy he/she brought onto themselves. While the victims are sort of bunched up together. Classified as 'victims'. Only really remembered by family and friends.

I think one thing worse than not knowing what is going to happen in the future is knowing but not being able to do anything about it.

Left Field

2010-12-05T18:28:00.000-05:00

I have to get more meds tomorrow. Been off them for a few days... Not good. I feel all spaced out right now, like my brain is rattling around in my skull... Wierd stuff.

Didn't do a whole lot today. I went to see my neighbours and made a pot of soup for all of us. One of the guys was in a bad mood. I refused to eat my soup and then went off on his own. Hard to tell what he's thinking most of the time. Can't tell if he's mad at me or just the world.

One of the others can make really good bread and bake pretty much anything. Is a good cook, too. So he was making rolls anyway and I came along with the soup stuff. I am stuffed. Only had two bowls of soup and two rolls. But, man! It fills you up. I put rice and noodles in my soup most of the time. Rice really fills you up.

A while ago, I showed up with some spaghetti. We all had spaghetti for dinner together. I like doing that, having dinner with friends sometimes. Beats having dinner alone. I don't like eating much when I'm by myself. Yeah, it's weird, I guess. But I'm weird... So it makes sense to me.

I'm in a good mood, just I'm out of it. I had a code I used to write in my diary with when I was younger. I had the code I'd use, plus I'd use different symbols to represent each letter. I keep thinking about the zodiac killer. Never caught. The BTK guy tried to do the same thing, but they caught him because they were able to track him down to the computer he was using. Something like that.

People keep trying to get away with things and they get caught because there is always something that they overlook. Science is such that there isn't a thing like getting away with it. Like the murder here that they have yet to solve, they have DNA, more than likely, just haven't got a match... There is always going to be trace evidence that can be linked somehow to someone. It could be the smallest thing, yet they can find it.

The most notorious unsolved crimes were when DNA wasn't as developed as it is today. The sad thing is that the labs can only process so much at a time. It takes years to find a match in a lot of cases. But just to have that science when we didn't have it for years... Another sad thing is that in most cold cases, there are no samples of DNA because they had no clue to what it was or anything. So we may never know.

I've been reading a book called "Sole Survivor" about familicide. Where a child kills his/her parents, and a lot of cases their whole family. They had some statistics that were interesting: In Canada, 1962-1987, there were 38 incidents and 95 victims. The worst years are 1982, 1983, and 1985 where there were 4 incidents per year and there were 10-12 victims per year.

What made those years the worst of all? Compared to the years that there were no incidents at all?

Ignorant People P*ss Me OFF

2010-12-03T14:52:00.000-05:00

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me because they'll think whatever they want regardless of what I say or do. So I figured that it doesn't really matter what I say or do since people are going to think whatever they want anyway... People just p*ss me off with their stupid opinions and their misguided 'power' or 'obligations' to 'help'. What can they do for me anyway? What have they really done for me anyway? Over years and years... They just took 'control' of my life away from me. What control do you really have over your own life when someone was telling you: "No, you're not going to school today." And chase you out the door, trying to tackle you and prevent you from going to one of the only places you should have the right to go to in Canada.

Little things like that... Preventing me from standing up for myself, for my rights as a person. That is what makes me angry... Their opinions of me mean absolute sh*t. The social worker asked me if I wanted to hear her opinion of me. I said I didn't. Why should I? Why should I care what she or anyone thinks about me and my life. I'm taking care of my son with little (next to no) help from anyone. That alone is frustrating. When he says he doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning, and keeps refusing to do what he is told... He doesn't do this with his father, just me. Why can't he show his father how he is with me? Why can't he have a lil taste of what I have to 'cope' with. If he would just listen to me the FIRST time I asked him to do something... Then he goes around telling everyone that I yell at him all the time... I only yell at him when he is refusing to co-operate. My mother yelled at me. If nobody ever yelled at their kids for being brats then those kids would just grow up to think they can do whatever they want. I've seen some kids who grew up without consequences. They are in jail now. Connection? Maybe.

So people have no idea what I'm going through unless they are going through the same damn thing. I'm doing the best that I can with the non-existent support I have. Even the so-called 'support' the school is trying to provide... It's not helping, just making things worse. Way worse. All they are doing is making me angry. I have enough stress as it is and they just add more and more every damn day.

My son needs stimulation at school and he's not getting what he needs. He's almost 8 and he does like grade 4 math, he can write his own stories, he can read really well (Guinness World Record books, Ripley's Believe it or Not books, Goosebumps, Babysitters Club books) I read to him every night and sometimes he asks if he can read to me. He loves quizes and guessing games, loves computer games... He's smarter than a lot of kids his age. Some of the kids in his class are still fixated on dinosaurs.

My Mentor suggested that maybe my son needs a project that is just for him. She suggested learning basic computer language and developing his own small program. I think that would be a good idea. I can hardly get him off the computer at home and he knows how to use one, that is for sure.

I told the social worker today that he needs stimulation. She said that he probably does and that I probably do too. What stimulation do I get besides knitting? If it weren't for knitting, I'd have hardly any stimulation at all. Chores, parenting... It all takes over my life until I don't have a life anymore. When did I ever really have a life? I was always too busy dealing with someone else's needs and I always put my own needs aside. Someone once asked me: What are your needs? I couldn't even answer that because it's been so long and I never really thought about it. How could I even have the time to think about myself when I'm struggling so much? My kid has always come first. Always. Before he was born, there was always someone else who came first. Always. I never considered myself as a priority because nobody made me a priority. I was pretty much just a paycheck for a long time until I had enough. As soon as I could, I left, without wanting to look back... These social workers make me think back to when my life was just a void.

Why was it a void? Because I was institutionalized. Living there so other people could get paid for me being there. Everything that they took from me... All those years of trying to get it back... And some things I'll never get back. Because they are long gone. I buried all that anger deep down inside of me for years because I was never 'allowed' to express it. That is why when I say that I want to retaliate and go on a rampage... It's because I have residual anger. The only difference is that I know how to bury it down deep and that is another one of those reasons I can't 'connect' with anyone. People don't UNDERSTAND. Anything about my life or anything about me. I'm tired of explaining myself and also tired of the rejection. As hard as it is to make 'friends'... How am I supposed to expect it to be any different if I were looking for a relationship? It's not. I'd rather be single because people don't understand. Because a lot of people have had 'normal' lives. Good relationships with their family... When mine gave up on me a long time ago. If I needed help from any of them... I would never get any. That's why I've had my own place for the last ten years. I keep meeting guys who live at home. How the f*ck are they supposed to understand? I haven't lived at 'home' since I was 13 years old. Could you blame me for not wanting to date a 30 year old who still lives at home? No life experience. None. Not as much as I've had and I'm NOT EVEN 30 YET!!! After all the people who've come into my life, can you blame me for not wanting to get involved with all that incompetence anymore?

Yeah, I do need stimulation, yet there isn't a hell of a lot in life that I find stimulating anymore. I wasting whatever talent I may have. I can't express myself emotionally. I can't really express myself at all. There are only few people I trust. Very few and I only trust them until they give me a reason not to. Often they provide me with that one reason I need to shut it all down. Then I have to bury the anger that comes from that. More disappointment. But the anger from years ago is still there. Just nobody gets to see that part of me. Who knows? Maybe one day they will. I won't make it a promise. I lack the energy it would take to let it out.

Waking Up is Hard to Do

2010-12-03T09:16:00.000-05:00

I was up late doing laundry last night. Not my most favorite thing in the world to do... I got a lot done, but now I have to fold it and put it away today, plus, I still have blankets and pillows to wash... Fun stuff, NOT!

My son was really grumpy this morning and he didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to either, but I can't be grumpy about it or I would stay grumpy all morning. If he wants to sleep so much then he can start going to be earlier. One night he fell asleep and I had to wake him up to get him into his bed. The next morning, he told me he didn't remember getting into bed. He had a few sleep walking incidents which were pretty cute. Takes after me in that department.

I also have to do a bunch of cleaning and go to the clinic sometime today. Also the book bus... I hate going there with overdue items... They always try to embarrass the hell out of me and I can't just lash out at them, even though I just want to tear into them. Just let me return the damn books without anything like: "It's really important to...." Or whatever bullsh*t they say. I hate it so much. Last time I went, the lady was giving me a hard time and making it take so much longer than it needed to be. People were waiting in line behind me and heard everything she said to me... Next time that happens... I'll say something about it. I'll be like: "Listen lady, I've been through this hundreds of times. Other people are waiting." Then if she keeps it up, I'll just walk out. I'm tired of being talked down to as if I'm like 14 all over again. F*ck them!

I'm tired and I want to go back to sleep. I'm just afraid that if I do, someone will be knocking at my door like the other day. Maybe I'll have to keep my phone unplugged today. 'Sorry, I cannot be reached' today. I'm not in the mood for petty interuptions and unannounced 'visits'. I have things to do today which do not include the feeling of wanting to be extra polite to ignorant people. I like the thought that people don't bother me much on the weekends. That is nice. But I'm not looking forward to next week and all the appointments I'm going to have. I've never been in the mood for appointments. I have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to have appointments. They tire me out. Then I'll probably have more 'visits' which I am not looking forward to.

Now I've got to stop procrastinating and do something.

Cross-bow Crossfire

2010-12-02T23:46:00.000-05:00

I was watching the news tonight. I don't watch it every night. Just doing lots of laundry tonight so I have to do something while I'm waiting, I'm getting there with my knitting... Getting there. I haven't had a lot of time to do it because things keep coming up.

Anyway, on the news tonight was a story about a guy who maced a guy in the face at a public library in Toronto, then shot him in the back with a cross-bow. I don't think that would have happened for no reason. He must have really pissed someone off. At least I'd hope that it wouldn't happen for no reason. Sometimes I think about going crazy and doing something over the edge, just I never do it. I only think about it because there are a lot of people who really p*ss me off. I already live in a jail of sorts. I have been locked up in a hospital before and I am not eager to be locked up again, anywhere, for any reason. I hate when people try to take 'control' of me. In my mind, they have no right to do that. Yet they still think they have every right in the world to take from me the only thing I might ever have. B*stards!

I had to tell my job coach today that I have to close my file (for now). My kid is having so many problems at his school and I really think they are incompetent there, to say the least. My kid is really smart and he gets bored at school so he tries to find things to keep himself busy, but they see it as him being out of 'control'. Then they try to 'control' him and he gets upset about it. They are trying to tell me that he has mental problems because they are convinced that I have mental problems... Nice eh? So they want me to take him to a psychiatrist and I have a couple of social workers dropping by my place whenever they feel like it... That pisses me off. I hate being caught off guard by social workers. The one who came today wants to come by tomorrow... But I still have things to do tomorrow and I told her I'm not feeling well so if she happens to stop by when I'm at the clinic, it'll be her f*cking problem. I do have a life and can't just drop everything because people expect me to. F*ck them all.

So I'm frustrated, beyond words... I thought things were starting to go well, then all this sh*t just starts happening... It is a real p*ss-off. To say the least. I need to rest when I'm sick, but that never happens because things are just piling up all around me. Yes, my anxiety levels are really sky high and I need more meds so I'm not dealing with all this really well. Plus, there isn't anything I can do about any of this which makes me even more anxious... Will it never end??? Just when I start trying to get my life back, someone tries to undermine me... They say: "We're only trying to help you...." You know how many times I've heard that in my life when the people who were 'trying to help me' made my life a living hell... It'll start all over again and again and again... People wonder why I am angry... If I didn't have any reason to be angry, then I wouldn't be... People like to push me just as far as they can to see at what point I'm going to 'snap'.

Scatter Brains

2010-11-30T03:30:00.001-05:00

Life is weird... I've been having lots of strange thoughts tonight. Not sure if I should keep bringing up these strange thoughts... You might think I'm crazy... If you don't think so already...

What do I care what anyone thinks? Thinking about shaving my head again... Stress gets to me so much that I think that it would help. I think I feel better immediately after I do it, but I feel even better after my hair starts growing back...

Frustrated... Y'see, that is an understatement. Of the year! Maybe of the decade. Just saying... Been almost that long and then I turn around and things seem to be just falling apart. Geez.

Karma... Came up tonight, at the bar... I went tonight because I got the chance to get out... Was having one of the worst nights... Not like it was the best of days....

So many challenges yet so little patience... Never been a master of virtues... Goes without saying, really.

Ozzy sings: "You can't crucify the dead..." Sort of how I feel at the moment. I feel that everything I have been trying to do lately is pointless... Not that I haven't felt this way a million times before... Just OTHER thoughts entered my mind tonight... That were stronger than other times the same thoughts entered my head years before.... Not that I will admit to what those thoughts entail... Guess I don't really trust anyone when it comes to that. Maybe one day, just a specific person (if there is going to be one in my life), not ALL of you... I don't think people really understand... I really don't...

I went to the bar for a 'cap' on such a crap-tacular day... Turns out there was a guy 'working there' who had a worse day than I did. I told him about my thoughts on Karma... The old 'what goes around comes around' thing, and the if 'you believe in it enough' the power of belief itself... It works in mysterious ways like many other 'powers'. That is what makes it even more POWERFUL. If you understood, you would understand... My best way of putting that.

POWER is supernatural, weakness is natural. Strength is what is forged from weakness. Weakness being any vulnerability. Whether it is within your limits to do something about it or not (prevention wise). But you have to be in the most aware state of mind to prevent things from happening. It is always when you think you are safe that you are not, really. The taking something for granted, your safety or what-have-you...

Weaknesses come in so many forms... Lacking something is a weakness... The secret is that when you are aware of your weaknesses, you have a secret strength... Every weakness is a strength in terms of potential...

Y'see... I have potential because I have too many weaknesses. I also have a lot of strengths. Just not enough credit for the strength I do have... Not the right kind of support for the turning my weaknesses into strengths... I have so many limitations that I'm always going to be fighting for no real reason. Limitations... The kind I have to face in this life... Aren't worth the struggle. They can't accept my fight for what I shouldn't have to fight for... Hard to explain. Yet another reason I wish that there was someone who I could trust in this world.... Guess it doesn't matter if I have anyone since I can't see the difference at this time... All I have had is myself... So not having anyone doesn't make any difference from only having myself, is what I meant.

I try to be calm and tell myself that things aren't as bad as they could be... Just I know that they could be better than they are now and that bothers me. Sometimes I get to the point that I just do not care... I see myself approaching that mark again, each and every day. I want to just change my name and start over as someone else, but life is not as simple as that, is it?

Just things like that... But the things that happen in my life tend to build up until they just start consuming me all over again... I go through times like this when I have to resort to my own devices... When I have nobody I can trust to go to and say: "I've been thinking some messed up things... Such as.... Because such and such happened..." Would it make it any easier to live with the things that have happened? Or would my fantasies of solving things myself make more of a difference? Thoughts like this come into my head and I can't talk about it to anyone. So maybe if I write about it, it will help relieve some... I dunno what to call it...
Does it matter? Can't do anything about it so does it matter what I call it?

To Where I Want to Be

2010-11-29T00:21:00.000-05:00

I think I'm still losing weight. It tends to fluctuate before I lose weight. Not that I'm trying to, just wouldn't mind getting into shape. I have a busy week ahead of me. The beginning of December is kind of crazy with the appointments. I just hope I don't miss anything.

My Mentor asked me if I'd volunteer at her Church again with some office work that needs to be done. I said that I would. I want to ask her if I could use the Church to hold a fundraiser, an art auction. So far it is just an idea I've had. I want to get some other people together on this, too, before I ask her.

I had an idea years ago for a charity concert and it never went anywhere because I couldn't get anyone on my side to get it past the idea phase. It was sort of embarrassing that I couldn't get anyone to help me with it. I looked like a lunatic with a crazy idea and they basically shooed me away and shot down my idea. I still want to do it one day, but I need support in the community so I guess that I have to wait and just sit on the idea. It also makes me mad that nobody takes me seriously when I have these ideas.

But anyway, maybe one day these ideas will be more than just an idea....

But I think it would be good if I could get a couple of my ideas going. Have to make a couple calls.

Since the snow got here, I've had a hard time getting completely warm. My feet are always cold, until I put multi pairs of socks on. It's always my feet that get super cold. Ridiculously cold. I'm going to have to knit more slippers soon. Right now, I'm knitting a sweater for my Grandmother for Christmas. Hopefully it will be ready for her by then. I'm working on the back first because that is the part that takes the longest. The sleeves take a while too, but still. I've got less than a month to knit this...

I'll knit myself a pair of slippers after that project. I just knit and knit.... Compensating for my lack of a lovelife I think... Haha! My way of feeling useful. My Grandmother said she'd love some choclate for Christmas, but I think I'll have to wait until her birthday for that. I'm deep in debt and have to try to work my way out of it. So hopefully in December I'll be able to try to get out of debt. I owe money to the phone company, surprised that they haven't cut me off yet, so I have to pay them most of what I owe so that they can see that I'm at least trying to get that down. I owe the library. I owe student loans and these other people. It is crazy.

That is why I need to get back into the work force and try to aim higher than I have been. I've been having so many problems that many people are telling me that they don't think I'm ready to go back to work, yet. I know I can't keep living like this because it is just not getting me anywhere. I am living one day at a time with no real long term goals. I want to be successful and I want to be happy. I still don't care if I have a lovelife because that is only a distraction for me now. I want to move forward and really get there, to where I want to be.

I Hate Money

2010-11-26T13:39:00.000-05:00

Money is one of my pet peeves. People either have it or they don't. People who have it think it's OK to look down, way down, on people who don't. I really hate that.

I could never understand why people would kill over it. People do. They have killed over it, and they'll probably keep killing over it. Which is stupid.

I hate being broke all the time, but it makes me appreciate what I have.... I'd rather be poor than have everything just handed to me on a silver platter. Y'know? I'd rather go on a picnic somewhere than go somewhere that costs a lot of money. I enjoy the simple things in life.

The guy (who told his parents that I'm his girlfriend) said some things that are grating on my nerves. I do have patience, but I really have a problem with things that are said that are ignorant. He said that he's 'wary of being a cash machine' because his mother is 'loaded'. Yes, he's almost 30 and lives with his parents.

First of all, I don't care that his mother has money because: a) it's none of my business, b) I'm not dating him or his mother, c) I don't even like dating people who have a lot of money. I would never marry for money. I would only marry for love. Just I don't think that there is anyone out there who actually understands me enough to love me back.

So that pissed me off that he said that to me because he doesn't understand what it's like not to have any. It's always been there for him to use on whatever he wanted. I think that he's not used to not getting what he wants. I can't date someone who doesn't understand.

Another thing is that it keeps coming up that he has more money than me. Like he told me something his mother said to him instead of keeping it to himself. He said, "My Mom asked if you were poor. She said: "What's wrong with her? Is she poor? Her clothes don't fit her."

Plus, he told me that the difference between him and I smoking is that he can AFFORD it. I don't smoke. But still. I told him that he should stop rubbing it in. He said he wasn't, but it always seems to come up. So if it continues to keep coming up, I'm just not going to see him anymore. It just makes me feel like his whole family thinks that I'm totally beneath him and that doesn't make me feel 'accepted'. I can't keep taking these little comments because it feels like his is boasting, even if he isn't trying to. I've told him a bit about my past, but I doubt he will ever truly understand. I find that if money is a barrier, then there is something wrong with that picture.

Steel Wool

2010-11-26T03:20:00.000-05:00

My mother got her leak problem looked at... There was a hole in the pipe, plus, the sink upstairs was clogged with... hair. The girls who used to live upstairs from them used to wash their thick hair in the sink. The guy pulling it out of the drain thought it was steel wool and he nearly puked when he realized it was hair. Apparently those girls were really nasty. When they moved out, they didn't bother cleaning the fridge out, they just left everything in there to rot. The flies were coming down into my mother's place from theirs.

She's at a concert tonight with her husband. They're going to see Ozzy Osbourne in Ottawa. Yes, he's in Ottawa! Too bad I get to miss it. I'm sure my brother will tell me all about it. He's working there tonight.

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When you see the dotted line above, it means that I'm continuing a post, starting at another junction. I hate wasting a post because it takes up space in the 'web'. Funny how I think of 'web' in terms of a spider web... Catching flies... What are flies worth anyway? They take up space in the 'web' so maybe these posts are equal to flies as they take up space and yet are as meaningless....

Excuse me, I've been consuming alcohol. Thursday night and all that... Suck it up, I`m not THAT bad. I get to turn the morning alarm off as it is a P.D day... Some people still call it a P.A day. I still call it P.D because it is supposed to stand for Professional Development... Maybe it used to stand for Professional Assessment... Who knows? [ side note... I learned that if the question mark looks like a É, it means you have to change it on your tool bar type thing from Canadian French to US].

Anyway, the 'book bus' comes tomorrow so I can return the movies I borrowed from the library. I owe them lots from being overdue. They seem to like 'look down their noses' at me when I return something overdue, but I feel like telling them that I'm actually supporting the library when I pay overdue fines. There is so much material damaged and 'lost' that they have to replace a lot. So they should be thankful for people like me. If there was an actual library closer to me, I would have it back on time. Most of the time, I'm so busy with just ordinary life stuff that I forget about due dates.... Although that is pretty much my biggest excuse for not being on time....

I forgot an appointment recently and I felt so bad because it is not like me to forget appointments. Sometimes if I have more than two things out of the ordinary on the same day, chances are that I'm going to forget one of them. I'm pretty good at remembering one thing.... Mondays are going to be pretty hard... I've started seeing a lady (councellor of sorts).... She wants to start seeing me once every couple of weeks and I'm just getting used to seeing her once a week so remembering to only see her once every two weeks might be a little hard for me at first.... It is crazy... Just all these appointments... I'm trying to get used to the sequence of things because I'm not used to having something every day, yet I want to keep any appointments that I've made...

Anyway.... Where was I? I have that problem when I'm drinking... I want to talk, yet can't find anyone who will listen... So may as well write to my heart's content. Maybe it will be read... Maybe not... But at least I can write it. Regardless if it gets read or not.

Anyways#3.... (I write anyways when I try to get back on track)... I watched a GOOD movie tonight. It's one I got from the library called: "Rescue Dawn." Based on true events of a person's life. A soldier during the Vietnam war... He is a true testament of faith over war... Speaking of war... Northern Korea has attacked Southern Korea... Thing will definitely progress from there... I can see them pulling troops out of Afghanistan to fight over there... Chaos is the only word I can use to describe it... I thought there was some hoop-la over 'test' firing missiles... I don't think I was mistaken about that, but maybe the country in which they originated from. I can't say I know everything... Or, that I am not ignorant for not knowing. I could be ignorant for not even knowing anything I'm writing about, but at least I'm not so ignorant for not admitting that I am ignorant in the first place. The gist is that I'm sorry for being ignorant...

Anyway#4.... The movie I watched... About an American soldier, who, in the Vietnam war had crashed and was prisoner in a little camp with other American soldiers... I don't really want to ruin it by revealing too much... It's one of those movies you have to see for yourself to fully appreciate (as are most of the movies I keep telling you are really good) These movies are really good for a reason.... BECAUSE I SAID SO! So take my advice! Watch them and SEE FOR YOURSELF!

I have a question, even though it doesn't make a lot of sense... What costs more? Tissues or toilet paper? Just curious. Please do not ask why, not that I'd tell you if you asked. Not a lot of comments or emails to respond to so I doubt anyone will ask....

I hear snow removal machines... No snow yet, only freezing rain. I hope we have a mild winter.... It usually rains on my birthday... Don't know why.....

2010-11-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

I bought a scale because I hadn't weighed myself in a long time.
At my heaviest I was 185 lbs. I'm 132 lbs.
My hair has been growing back, too.

Crazy Cats

2010-11-24T14:03:00.000-05:00

She hisses and growls at him on a regular basis if he's less than 4 feet near her.
She screams at him when he comes any closer to that.
He lunges at her, but yet, they will still eat together.

Holy Big Boobs

2010-11-24T01:21:00.000-05:00

A friend joked that this will be me in 30 years... So true.

I should be OK if I'm not like this!

I'd really appreciate if... It cracked me up

I was looking up the word 'insane' on google and apparently there's this site where you can check out to see if any of your ancestors were in an insane asylum.

Now for 'biggest' Muscles , Wildboar , Smallest dog meets biggest dog ,
biggest boobs! I might weigh as much as one of her boobs.

On that note, I`m going to bed. So glad I don`t have boobs that big because it`d be hard to sleep.

Taking Time to Think

2010-11-23T23:29:00.000-05:00

I went to see my mother for her birthday the other day. I got her a game called: Senior Moments. Because my mother does some pretty messed up stuff sometimes. She's approaching 50, but not quite there yet. Well, she has this leak coming down the wall and from the ceiling. Her apartment with my stepfather is in the basement of a three storey house. So we were taking turns sucking up water from the carpet with a steam cleaner, not unlike the one I used at that lady's house. Filled it up to the top twice when we were there. Holds a gallon.

My Aunt called my mother to talk about my Grandmother. My mother was saying that they are thinking about pointing her into a home in the spring. I know that would make my Grandmother very upset. I know she doesn't want to be in a home. So maybe I'll have that little chat with her about coming to live with me if she doesn't want to live in a home. That way I can make sure that everything is done for her when she needs it done. I know that my life is pretty scattered (for the lack of a better word), but I really do not want to see my Grandmother unhappy. Plus, when I needed a place to come stay, her doors were always opened to me. She's 85 now, going on 86. She does need help as much as she hates to admit it, she knows. Living with me wouldn't be a bad thing for her because at least she'd be with family. I take her to appointments anyway. I clean for her anyway. She knows I'd do my best to make her happy. Always. I already feel guilty that I can't do enough for her, but if I were to live with her, I could do anything she needed of me. I know my Aunt would have a problem with it because she thinks I'm incompetent. She asked my mother,when I was pregnant, if I was going to give up my son because I wasn't married. So my mother asked her the same of my cousin because she wasn't married yet.

I don't even want to think about dating these days let alone getting married. I think I like the freedom of being single because I don't have to explain myself (where I was, what I was doing) or (where am I going, what am I going there for, when will I be back?) I can, choose if I want to go out. What I want to do. I can just go do it without really thinking about explaining it. I can if I want, but those questions are only going to come up if I bring them up. I have a commitment to my son and to myself. I'm also trying to get ahead, through each day. I know it is hard on my own, but it's not like I really knew any other way to do anything. I'm afraid of settling down now. I used to tell myself I wanted that so bad that my heart would just ache for it. But I just think it is foolish now. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. Having friends is nice and all that, but when it comes to a relationship, I don't have it in me to do it. Not anymore. Too much stress that I don't need. The expectations are always going to be there as well as the disappointments. Sure, there are good times (that I try to tell myself I'm not missing out on) but there are problems that come from insecurities and such. Which I have many of, and I expect others have atleast a few as well. I have enough to deal with.

"Can I grope you?"

2010-11-21T16:45:00.000-05:00

Last night. For the first time in a long time, I went to a bar. Had a few drinks... I went with a friend of mine (who probably thought we were on a date) We were going to go to Zaphod's, there was a huge line up so we went next door to a punk bar. I never been there before, but I liked it. Reminded me of the punk thing I used to be into. Not so much anymore, but still have a bit of it left in me... Somewhere.

Some guy got kicked out last night. Carried off by two big guys. The bar tender has a big red Mohawk. The bouncer has like three stripes of hair, or was it two? I think three... And the rest of his head was bald. I never actually seen anyone get kicked out of a bar before that. Probably because I'm used to going to places where people don't need to get kicked out.

We stayed until the bar closed. The bar tender shouted: "Drink up and get the f*ck out!" To everyone.
A couple apparently were making out behind me. The bar tender yelled: "Make out somewhere else!"
A couple of girls there were obvious posers. They looked out of place. That didn't stop them from flirting with any guy who came near them. Was that seriously their idea of 'slummin''? What I really hate are those girls who wear those tiny little skirts in weather like this, then complain how cold they are. And have conversations in public washrooms. Like: 'Let's hang out here and have a chat instead of being in the bar.' If you don't want to be at the bar, then go the f*ck home. And always on their cell phones... It's really annoying. But for whatever f*cking reason... Guys seem to like girls like that. Why?! Someone please explain the ridiculous-osity to me. I can't think of a better word so I'll make up my own! I was going to use the word stupidity, but it is just so damn stupid that it's just ridiculous. (for non-existent bonus points I'll throw something else in). Something else that is ridiculous, I keep wanting to write re-diculous, instead of ri-diculous.

Oh, and I didn't get to the rest of the evening....

So, we both took a bus home, not the same bus because I had to go on one that brought me back here.
He had to go on one that took him to his home.

So I'm on a bus... I started to talk to a guy, just to have my attention on something other than the ride itself to prevent myself from getting sick... I guess I'm a light weight. Plus, I don't drink very often.

Then the guy kept saying: "You look like me friend." And telling me why he thought I looked like some girl he knew.

I asked him where he was from: "Dubai." He said.

Then out of the blue he asks: "Can I grope you?" Just some guy I never met before, randomly on the bus...
I had to ask him what he had just asked me which I thought I had misheard. But he asked again! Then offered to make sure I got home!

I was so shocked that all I could think to say was: "No thanks!"
I think the thanks part came out because I was thankful that he had only asked if he could instead of tried to.
Because I would have had to hurt him.

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Today was interesting. I made a whole 12 dollars from a cleaning job when it should have been twenty dollars, or at least 16. A lady asked me to help her clean her house and on the way there she said she had some carpets that had to be cleaned. So I used her carpet cleaning machine to wash the carpets in three rooms which took a couple of hours.

She is so particular about things. She asked me to go back into one room to wash the carpet in the closet which was so full of shoes that I couldn't really get in there. And the tank had to be refilled at least a few times per room. When she was saying: "You did a good job, I'll definitely use you again." I settled on the word 'use' because she did actually say the word 'use'. Like I was some sort of robot or something. On the way back to drop me off, she saw a beer bottle sitting on top of a t.v that was sitting in a lane way. She stopped and actually went in reverse, stopped in the middle of the road and asked me to get it for her because it was worth ten cents! She's cheap like this, keeps all kinds of junk she doesn't need. Those shoes in her closet, she probably doesn't wear most of them... She and her husband live in a 4 bedroom house, just the two of them. He's cheap too, I heard him suggesting to his wife that she use whiteout to fill in the chips of paint on the cupboards!

When I was finished washing the carpets, she wanted to save the water that was still in the tank of the machine because it still had soap in it. So she got me to help her dump the water into a pail and fill a measuring up with the water from the pail to pour from the measuring cup into jars. Even though it was dirty water, she wanted to save it in jars because it had soap in it.

I guess in her mind, she has to do these things to afford her house and everything.

She owns a flower shop and a big house. A car. But she is the cheapest woman I have ever met in my life. I think that the reason I wanted to go there was so that I can laugh about how cheap she is. Like keeping soapy water in jars. Collecting beer bottles. The guy probably just went into the house for a second or two, came out and his beer was gone. There was still beer in it. "Just dump it out". I just think it is entertainment and that is why I go along with it. But I know there will be a time that I just won't have time for it anymore.

Web Surfing....

2010-11-19T00:24:00.000-05:00

Just a few random things I found while surfing online tonight...

"Excuse me, but I think you have a horse in your windshield!"

There are two cammel spiders in this picture, just keep them FAR AWAY from ME!

Is this rabbit for REAL?!

Explain THIS to the Insurance Company!

Do you still not believe in ghosts?

Number 1 Worst Driver award goes to...

This cheetah has a pet!

Why would a guy want bicepts bigger than his head? Look at the size of his forearms in comparison.

This has to be the most freaky fish -type thing I've ever seen!

New Skills = Confidence

2010-11-17T14:57:00.001-05:00

This week I've been in a program to gain pre-employment skills like resume building and that sort of thing. I've got a snazzy new resume and I'm excited about it, for sure. The lady who has been teaching me has made it really easy for me. I wish I knew about this program a long time ago. The programs I've been in lately, I wish I knew about a long time ago. I could have been that much further ahead by now. I don't have much time to write at the moment, have to get my son from school and take him to his program. Then he has another program after that one. On Wednesdays. He might be going to spend the night with his father again tonight. Has been taking him for me the last couple of nights and taking him to school for me in the mornings because I have to be at the other end of the city. So he is actually helping out more. Which makes me feel a lot better, too.

I've been knitting some more... When I take my son to the BGC I stay there for a bit and knit with my neighbour (who I go to the guild with). She's still pretty happy I asked her to come with me. I am too. It's not like I have many friends to invite to go anywhere with me. I don't get many, if any, invitations, either. But this time I really am glad I went and did this because I really enjoy it. It gets me out of the house and I get to learn new things. Learning is something I enjoy because it makes me feel good. I can't really explain why it makes me feel good, it just does. I think the main thing about learning is that it makes me feel capable. When I feel capable, it makes me feel better, hopeful. It gives me a reason to feel proud of myself. Not in a boastful way, just a personal pride.

Anyway, I have some cleaning to do, going to have a nice hot shower, and watch a movie. Sound good to you?

So Much For Clean Socks....

2010-11-16T16:36:00.000-05:00

I saw my cat sleeping in my sock drawyer and I thought: How cute! She was all curled up in there, in a little ball of fur. So I let her stay where she was. But... This morning... I found out that she had puked all over my clean socks! Gross!

Then this morning, I had to be at an appointment which I did go to, but I felt all hot and felt a bit sick to my stomach. I guess I was getting whatever is going around here. So I had to leave the meeting early. But I have to go back tomorrow morning. And the morning after that will be my last for that program. Then on Friday, I have to take my Grandmother to the doctors.

That will pretty much conclude my week.

When I was taking my son to his after school program at the BGC, there was a cop cruiser in the parking lot. It didn't look all that out of place there because there is a police 'station' in the same building as the rental office and the recreational centre where my son goes after school. So at first I didn't think anything of it.

Then I noticed that there was a baseball bat on the trunk of the cruiser. Then I saw someone sitting in the back seat. So I knew something had been going on. There was also a vehicle getting towed. So I thought that someone had either stolen or tried to steal the van. I was wrong.

I asked what was going on when I heard some people talking about it. It turns out that the guy they had in their custody is mentally ill. He had a dog with him and was telling the dog to attack a security guard and a cop. They found the bat in his van. I didn't see the dog at all. They also said that the guy got caught on camera taking a sh*t in the lobby of one of the buildings. They ended up calling an ambulance and I believe they're taking him to a psychiatric unit.

So... Yeah... Living in my neighbourhood is exciting at times I guess. This stuff doesn't happen every day, but when it does happen, it gets some attention from the residents. It's just strange.

Anyway, I watched that movie lastnight. Called: 'Boy A'. It was really good. I had a dream that I had contacted the main actor in the movie on facebook and he wrote back. I'm not sure why I had this dream.

I am kind of hungry, haven't had anything to eat all day. Wasn't feeling very good and I don't have a lot to eat around here. I haven't been eating very well. I know I need to take better care of myself. I just don't feel like eating much these days. Loss of appetite. Well cleaning up cat puke doesn't make me hungry and thinking of that guy taking a sh*t in the lobby doesn't make me hungry either. What I'm thinking about doing is hard boiling some eggs and putting them in the pickle jar. My Stepfather made some pickles and they are gone now. I kept the pickle juice to use with something else. I haven't had pickled eggs for a long time and I forget when I had one last. Plus I should clean up the kitchen since I'm finished giving you that little update about the goings on in the neighbourhood. It gives Sean another reason to be happy to have moved away.

Knitters Unite!

2010-11-15T22:48:00.000-05:00

WOW! I had an interesting evening. I went with my Mentor to a Church (she's a minister at a church, but a different one) where they have a knitting guild. It is amazing. For someone who likes to knit, like I do... Been knitting for 18 years now. I still have so much to learn! These ladies... Just incredible what they have made!

They have this show and tell thing where they show off the things they've made. They have a guest speaker, too. She was talking about knitting what they call a baby surprise jacket. What I'd really love to learn is how to knit socks. Like thick wool ones that keep you warm in the winter. I can knit slippers. I can knit hats, speaking of hats... A lady I met at the guild was looking at one of the hats I made and suggested a stitch called the mattress stitch. It is a sewing stitch for a seamless seam. So that is worth checking out sometime. I've always just crocheted the seam on the hats I've made.

But the sweaters and jackets these ladies have made! Just unbelievable. I definitely want to become a member of the guild. They meet at the church at least once a month. They have a door prize and they set up field trips. One trip they are taking is to an alpaca farm. Alpaca fur is so soft, almost feels like cotton. They make yarn from it.

I have an addiction to wool or yarn if you didn't know that about me. It's something I don't go telling everyone because it seems strange, but I really enjoy making things and this group is just what I've been looking for, for a long time. I really wish I knew about this a long time ago. I might be the youngest there, not sure, but there are at least 50 or more women in this group. A big room full of knitters knitting away.

I could go on forever talking about how excited I am to go back there. I went with my neighbour and she loved it, too. I know she knits and we have that in common, we live in the same building, and I was so happy that she came with me. She was happy that I invited her. Something special we can do together. I love it.

OK... Now since you think I'm one of the most boring girls in the world... I'm going to watch a movie before I go to bed. I think I'll watch a movie called: 'Boy A'. Thanks for reading, even though it was about knitting. I'm just happy to belong to something. And go out to do something that is a treat for myself.

Dream Food

2010-11-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

Been thinking about food a lot lately. Even dreaming about it. I had a dream that I was still in a foster home and that I was making lunches for ten foster 'sisters' and 'brothers'. I had cooked chickens, made a dip, and for whatever reason, I put the straws in all their drink boxes before I sent them off with their lunches.

I keep getting cravings. For burgers mostly. For big macs. It must be the 'secret sauce' which is probably not a secret to anyone who works at a McDonald's. I heard that in Europe a person can get beer at McDonald's. I know that in P.E.I they can get a McLobster. Or so I have heard anyway.

I'm in somewhat a better mood. Than I have been in for a while anyway. It just gets really hard sometimes. I keep struggling with things and sometimes I get to the end of the rope so to speak. Just frustrated to no end.

So hopefully things are going to start to go better now that I'm trying harder and harder to do these things.

I really want an egg sandwhich. With a bit of mayo on it. Just really hungry right now. I haven't been eating a whole lot. I'm making some soup before I go to my next appointment (for this afternoon). I put rice in my soup because it is a filler. I put noodles in there and whatever else I can find around here. I get soup powder at bulk barn and it lasts quite a while. It just gives the soup a bit of flavour. My Grandfather made the best soup. He'd cook pretty much everything. One soup I always like is beef and barley soup. I almost spelt soup: soop! Must be slowly losing it today. Didn't sleep well last night and stayed up late last night.

Tonight, I'm going with a neighbour of mine to a knitting group and see what it's all about. I think it would be fun to just go out and do something for myself. Plus, I'm going with a friend. Even better. I have that to look forward to tonight.

A friend of mine gave me his old TV because his mother just got a new one. So this one I got now is like 4 times bigger than the one I had before. He stayed last night and we watched 'Spaceballs' and 'Big Trouble in Little China". Those were both good movies. He might come over again and watch some more movies with me after the knitting group. I don't have to take my son to school tomorrow. He's staying overnight at his father's place. I have a few things this week to be at in the morning. Not to mention taking my Grandmother to her doctors appointment on Friday morning. Should be a short one because she's just going to get a new perscription for her glasses. After her operations on her eyes (for cateracts) she can see much better, but only needs the glasses for reading. They are too strong for her eyes right now, the glasses. So she needs a new perscription. Other than that, I think she is doing well. I try to go over there and help her with her chores and things.

I feel guilty for not being there for her as much as I should be. I know that she values her independance and wants to do things for herself. I worry about her and want to take care of her. I think she feels guilty for needing help, which she shouldn't. She worries a lot too. I think it is a curse of being a capricorn, the guilt and the worrying. I want her to feel that it is OK to ask for and receive help from me. She worries that she is a burden on me. Which isn't true. I want to have more time for her. Make her lunches, make her dinners... Take her shopping, take her to appointments... Anything. Even clean for her and do her laundry. I want to do those things for her and more. So if she ever had to go into a 'home' she could live with me. Then I could take better care of her and do anything for her she needed done for her. I love her so much and I'm lucky to have her. I tell her that I love her and she knows I do. I feel it is important to tell her I love her because I would regret it forever if I never told her how much I love her. I don't want it to ever be too late to tell her.

I have a feeling that my cousins don't like me very much because I am the closest to my Grandmother. They've never really tried to be close to her in any way. Except for my cousins in Alberta will write to her and send her pictures. My other cousins couldn't care less and they don't even bother to thank her for birthday cards or anything. When they are in Ottawa, they don't go to see her or invite her out anywhere. I know this because my Grandmother tells me these things. She feels let down by these things. I'm always there for her and she knows it which makes our relationship very special and meaningful.

I can't really say anything about my father's parents. I know his father is very bitter. He lost his brother, father, and son all in the same year. My Uncle told me so. I tried to call them and get to know them but they told me not to call them anymore. How nice, eh? It's like: I know you are my flesh and blood, but don't even call here anymore! I was 13 when they told me not to call them anymore. I was devastated. I hadn't done anything wrong except try to get to know them. How could they not want their own son's daughter in their lives? I sent them pictures of my son when he was a baby, heard that they got the pictures, but nothing more than that they had received the pictures. I think about them, but I try not to because it is so obvious that they don't care. If that is the way they want to be, then it is probably better not to have them in my life, either.
They didn't even tell me that my father had died until after the funeral was over. And buried him so far away that I might never get to actually say 'goodbye' which really bothers me. It's been 14 years now and they'll probably never realize the damage they've done to me by pushing me away all those years. They'll never know me as a person. They'll never know the love I had to give them, that I just don't have for them anymore. Not after all these years without a word from them. To them, it's like I don't even exist. It used to make me so angry because it wasn't fair that they did that to me. But what they don't know is that getting to know me could have been a really good thing for them. Because I like to think I'm a good person who wants to be kind and loving. I don't want to think I share their bloodline... Blood as cold as ice.

The Eye Room

2010-11-14T17:01:00.000-05:00

I was very angry yesterday. Mostly because my Ex thinks that he can just stop by whenever to pick up our son. Without even calling to let us know when he intends to be here. I wanted to go out yesterday and have some time for myself. Which obviously didn't happen. I've been sacrificing my weekends to wait for him which is unfair. So I was angry. Since the weekends are supposed to be mine, for myself. Not only that, but he has a responsibility to be there to spend time with his son. Which he doesn't feel is all that important if he's making his son sit by the window with a pair of binoculars, looking and waiting for his father ALL DAY. WITHOUT so much as a call to generalize what time he'll be there.

So I was so angry that I had to give myself a time out. I went into another room just to read a book and try to keep my temper down. While I was reading, my son got something in his eye. He said it was a liquid. The only liquid around where he says he was sitting was a can of air freshener. I asked him several times if he was playing with it and he said he wasn't.

I wanted to look at his eye to see if I could see anything in it and to wash it out. He was fighting with me and wouldn't even let me near his eye. So I said... If it hurts that bad, I'm taking you to the hospital. So I called my friend who I was supposed to be spending my Saturday with and told him that I had to take my son to the hospital. I didn't ask him to meet us there, he just did. I was glad that he did because I was in such a bad mood and everything was just grating on my very last nerve. It helped that there was someone there for me. I couldn't even call my son's father because I don't have a number for him.

My son really likes my friend (who happened to tell his parents we are dating, even though I really don't know how I feel about dating anymore). My son was sitting right on his lap! That surprised me. Surprised him too. We played a few little games like 'eye spy' or is it 'I spy'? Things like that while we were waiting for the Doctor. He flushed out his eye, looked at his eye in a machine, froze it and sent us home.

Who was waiting for us when we got back? My Ex! Just sitting there... "Where were you?" Well... If you had a number to call you at... You would have known that I had to take your kid to the hospital...

I'm so going to have that little talk with him today when he drops my son back home. The 'get your f*cking priorities straight' talk. I'm even going to have that 'maybe we should go to court and talk about a custody agreement' talk. If he has every f*cking day and night of the week to do what he wants... Then I should at least have the weekends. What if I wanted to get a job on the weekends? How could I if I keep having to wait for him to just show up without so much as a call? What if there had been a serious accident, worse than just getting something in his eye? What if his son was close to death? How could I even reach him? I can't. I'd have to wait for him to show up on a weekend to tell him what's going on... That is rediculous. If it were a role reversal and it was me picking him up on weekends without a contact number, he'd probably give me shit about it. Yesterday I just wanted to tear him a new one. I really did. But having to go to the hospital prevented me from having enough time to really lay into him. I hope that he feels as guilty as hell one of these days because he should. Why is it that I'm expected to take all this responsibility and he has next to none? All of it just makes me so f*cking angry! Even right now I just want to scream!

They Expect Too Much

2010-11-13T01:37:00.000-05:00

I'm really p*ssed off at the social worker at my son's school. She called my kid's doctor and wanted me to get an appointment with her this weekend. My kid sees his father on the weekends and I need to talk to his father when he comes to pick him up because I need help this week. I'm going to be busy every morning this week coming up and I need him to pick him up at school on Monday... (which I'll get to in a second to explain).

So no, I'm going to make the appointment for during the week when I have the time to think straight. She shouldn't just dictate to me when to make an appointment with his doctor. That is not fair.

And if that wasn't bad enough... She wants me to reschedule the appointment I have on Monday to meet with her, the principal and teacher at his school. I already told her that I can't see her on that Monday because I already have an appointment. She was saying that they'll have the meeting about my son without me. I want to be at any meeting about my kid so they should wait until the following Monday. And not ask me to reschedule when I already had to reschedule to get the appointment I have. If I have to reschedule again... My job developer will think I'm not ready to get a job. Because of all the problems these people are making for me by telling me I have to go there and go here... Do this and that! I have a life of my own. They should wait until I have the time to be there. I can be there any other day except Monday.

I'm super stressed out because they want me to do these things and want me to be at meetings I can't go to.

Do you know how many meetings and appointments I've been going to and still have to go to? A lot!

I have a list of things to do. A list that gets longer each day it seems. *Sigh* I hope that I can arrange something so that I get a few things done on Monday at my first meeting after I take my son to school. Then I can talk to his teacher before school starts.

Just they don't seem to realize how much I've done and how much I continue to struggle with. When they want more and more it is as though they are never satisfied. Why can't they appreciate what I am doing already and see that I am trying and that when I can't fulfill their desires immediately that there is a good f*cking reason for it?

Meet Mustard Macaroni

2010-11-12T17:57:00.000-05:00

This is the cat I found!

Mustard Macaroni

2010-11-11T00:06:00.000-05:00

Today was not the best day I've had, but it turned out OK. I had an appointment I had to reschedule because my son was sick this morning. He wanted to go to McDonald's really bad for lunch so we went to the bank and he got money out of his own account to take me to lunch.

I had to fax something to someone which ended up being a waste of time. She called and said the picture was too blurry....

Then, I tried to visit my Grandmother with my son, but she wasn't home. We decided to go back home.

My son wanted to go to the BGC, so I said yes. I had a headache and knew it was much easier to have a nap if he was out of the house for a couple hours.

When I went to pick up my son, there was a stray cat milling around. He was hungry and cold so I took him home to feed him. I've decided to give him a name while he is here. Mustard for a first name and Macaroni for a last name. My cat just HATES Mustard. She does not want to share HER food, HER water, HER humans, and HER bed (my bed) with this other cat. She is very jealous and very possessive. So Mustard hasn't exactly gotten a warm welcome. At least he will be OK here while I wait to see if someone claims him. He's such a nice cat. Likes me, likes my son... Pretty much grateful to be taken care of and fed. He ate so much already that you would have sworn that this animal has never eaten in his life! So we'll see if Bailey will at least start to tolerate Mustard. Tomorrow I'll take a picture of this cat and make a poster to put up around the neighborhood to see if he is just lost. If he isn't claimed, Mr. Macaroni might stay longer.

Fragile Hearts

2010-11-09T09:34:00.000-05:00

One of the muscles that keep us alive is so fragile. Often, we don't think of our hearts until we've had a problem with it. Like a heart attack. A lot of people underestimate the value of exercise. And of nutrition. I was looking at a diagram of the heart. I wanted to see where the nodes are. Nodes are the things that make the heart contract when it is beating. The contractions are what make the heart beat and pump blood. My mother was born with a third node when there are only supposed to be two. The SA node and the AV node. There could be a possibility that I was also born with an extra node. Even my son could have been born with an extra node. I think my son's heart actually stopped when he was born. I know that he was near death because the cord cut off his air. At the time it was happening I was unaware because I was so out of it. His father told me like three days later.

A P*SSED off Morning

2010-11-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

I'm having a fantastically great morning (sense the sarcasm?) Sure hope so! I'm having anything but a great morning. I'm in such a rotten mood and have been for a while.

There are a few things that really bother me. The mothers at the school who snub me. That bothers me.

Since my friend's girlfriend moved in with him, I hardly see them at all... Not him or his room-mates. I called the night before Halloween and they were all going out together. Damn right I got jealous. I've known those guys for a lot longer than they've known her and they are taking her out. All going out together. And I sit at home every f*cking night waiting for someone to ask me to go somewhere. Do something. It makes me so angry that every time I try to make friends, I get snubbed in the end. It really p*sses me off. This is part of the reason I don't even bother trying to make friends anymore. Why make friends just to get snubbed? WHY??!! So I don't care, but I do care. Because I've been so damn loyal to my friends and they turn around and suddenly don't want me around anymore. That makes me feel so wanted. NOT.

Anyway, I have an appointment today where I turn in my hospital records.
Tomorrow I'm taking my Grandmother to a doctor's appointment.
Then I have an appointment with a job developer the day after that.

But on a day like today, I just want to crawl into a hole and die.

Punishment Park

2010-11-07T23:11:00.001-05:00

Just finished watching Punishment Park. I can't say I've seen a film quite like it. I know that none of it was real. I think it was unscripted, but just role play. They had a story line to follow, but they had their own arguments.

It was made to look authentic though. I can see why it is so controversial. Because of the fact that it does look like it's really happening. It makes the government look like they are too hungry for control. The restraining goes beyond necessary to make it look like they have absolute power and control over the prisoners. As though they have no rights at all. It actually is made to look as though every right a person should have in America would only be afforded if they were not opposed to the war. Not just the wars overseas, but the war within society itself.

I've seen clips of how prisoners are treated in jail by guards that are 100% real. It is though if you don't have your right to liberty that all the rights are just thrown away along with the key to freedom.

I think people tend to fight back when they are being backed into a corner, when they feel they have no choice. The guards tend to justify their brutality by saying they had no choice, but it really the prisoner who has no choice. I often think of society as a jail because everyone is expected to be a certain way and follow certain rules, all these expectations just thrown at us... Do we have a choice? No! Because we as a society don't have a choice. It is the government holding so many people back. Making it so hard to get ahead.

Like this HST tax bullshit. Everything is taxed now, not just certain things. Everything. A 15% increase on everything. Rents are being raised to the point that it is hard to even afford housing for so many people. If you can't get a job that is over minimum wage, then you are pretty much screwed. So many people lose their homes, have little to eat, all for the lack of employment or lack of education, or both.

Ottawa rents weren't this high before... What changed? Greed? Raising rents in due to raising of property taxes... The raising of utilities... Once these rates are raised, they will never be lowered. They'll just keep increasing until you find out that nobody can afford to pay them anymore...

You just think of everything that keeps going up.... Rent, electricity, water, GAS, bus fare, taxes... Everything... People suffering because they don't have enough money. Everything that keeps going up has to do with the government letting it get higher and higher. There isn't anyone to keep the government accountable for what they do to the average Joe, or the under-average Joe. They prefer not to see it. They don't want to take the time to look around at what their corruption does to the people. Without the people, what purpose would the government have? None.

I just don't see how things are going to get any better the way things are going now. I really don't. Our current Mayor has been in office before. He made mistakes when he was in office then, he will again. Look at what the Mayor before the election has done to Ottawa. Bus strike for 4 months that could have been ordered stopped at any time... But the Mayor said: No, I'll let it be drawn out for as long as possible so that these guys can get whatever they want." Ask him this: "What about all the drunk drivers on the road because there were no buses running during two major holidays?" Ask him "What he would say to the families of anyone who was killed by a drunk driver during the bus strike, because he took away an option of transportation?"

Ask why he took away 'back to school allowance from the kids of single parents who are on welfare...
Ask why he took away winter clothing allowance from the kids of single parents who are on welfare...
Ask why people are being taken advantage of in 'back to work training programs' in welfare...
So how are people supposed to get ahead to the point that they can actually get off of welfare?
Also ask why getting adequate transportation for seniors is an issue...
Ask why they put so much funding into the arts and less into communities?

I want to hear them tell me how they are going to get people the help they need in the health care system...
I want them to tell me why it takes over a year to see a psychiatrist in Canada!
I want to know why the only mental hospital doesn't have any emergency intake!
I want there to be government accountability so that these scandals we are allowed to hear about have no chance of happening in the first place. Money laundering is a crime? How come the government is allowed to get away with it? What is the worst that happens to them if they are caught?

Oh, just pay it back to pay lip service to the people you stole it from... Then you won't go to jail and everyone can go about their happy little lives. Slap them on the wrist and laugh about it later. Then you wonder why it keeps happening.

Even in the justice system... Especially in the justice system. It is designed to do damage, not for what it is supposed to represent. So a 14 year old can grow up behind bars, lose 10 years of his life, for a crime he didn't commit. While someone who has an obvious criminal past can be released and kill other people when he is supposed to be locked up in the first place. People were executed on death row for crimes they didn't commit (before Canada gave up capital punishment) and still are (in other countries).

It makes me question people's motives. The guards think they are just doing their jobs... (That is how they justify), the government thinks they are holding together a great country (That is how they justify), radicals think that they are fighting back to help things improve (that is how they justify). Each group justifies in a way to make themselves believe that what they are doing is right and that they have the right to do what is 'right'. Never thinking that there are other ways of doing what is 'right' that would make things acceptable. Yet they still have questions to answer and problems to solve. It all lies in the solution to the problems that are not likely to be solved in my lifetime.

The Game

2010-11-04T00:46:00.000-04:00

My friend told me that I lost the game.The Game I didn't know I was playing. He said he won, but in fact he lost because by announcing you have won means you are thinking about the game. So therefore there are no winners.

Today wasn't the most productive day I've ever had, but there is always tomorrow. I am anxious about this week being over. I don't have any plans for the weekend, but it seems I never do.

To be continued....

Having a Good Day

2010-11-02T14:57:00.000-04:00

Wow, I can't believe it! I'm actually having a good day today! I got a few things done today that I really needed to do. One was the tail end of an annual review. The other things were: Returning library material and going for that interview. I was very happy that everything seemed to be going very well. Yesterday I was so worried about today. Everything went much better than expected. I haven't felt this good about things in a long time.

Tomorrow, I have to go down town and renew my health card and my son's health card, before they expire. I have a couple of months but the sooner I do it, the better I will feel!

My cat has been interested in the Halloween candy. She's been sleeping in the middle of the pile of it, and playing with it. She had a great time this morning playing with a lolly-pop. She's been eating cheesies! I don't know what it is, maybe the colors of the wrappers. I know some people say cats can't see colors, but I believe they can. Even if the number or range of color they can see it limited. My mother used to have a cat who loved anything red. She would carry red things around the house in her mouth and stash them in a pile in one of the rooms. One time I had a red bra and she stole it from me, not off me, but from me. I had to chase her for it and my mother had a visitor. It was embarrassing. Chasing a bra stealing cat! I know she only took it because it was red.

At the library today, I returned all but a couple of items. One I forgot to bring back because it wasn't with the others. I tried to renew it, but someone has it on hold. So I have to bring it back tomorrow. Then I got some movies (again) 'Cash Back', 'Punishment Park', 'Angels Fall', and 'Splash'. I got Splash to watch with my son. For some reason he likes mermaid movies. On the other hand, Punishment Park is NOT a kids' movie and my son will NOT be watching it. It is supposed to be 'one of the most controversial films ever made'.

Right before my interview, I stopped for lunch. There used to have a McDonald's at Holland Cross and it's gone now. I found a subway place. I let a woman go in front of me in the line and she gave me a coupon for subway (only the one at Holland Cross, only good for today!) So I got a foot-long sub for the price of a half-sub! It just was lucky. Just to happen to be in the right place at the right time. The interview was really short. I got signed up for a few workshops today. They start in a couple of weeks. I've got a start of a headache now. I hate that. Not enough time to rest it off. I hate taking headache pills, can't find any when I need one anyway.

I have to pick up my kid from school, then visit a neighbour who came over last night to give my son some candy for Halloween. She felt bad that she woke me up. I crashed as soon as my son was in bed because my head hurt so bad. Not her fault I went to bed early! I'd rather sleep it off than take a pill for it. That is probably what they used to do before headache pills. Well... They had cocaine for headaches a long time ago, until they realized that cocaine is probably not the best remedy. You go through withdrawal and then your body thinks it needs more. That is what addicts go through. Cocaine can make a person really sick.

I was watching the History Channel yesterday. They were talking about the concentration camps and that stuff. It is outrageous that they got away with doing those horrific things to fellow human beings. It is just... It's hard to believe because you don't want to believe it could happen, and that it did, but it did. It's just insane. I sincerely hope that nothing like that ever happens again. Just atrocious. Absolutely appalling. They killed people pretty much for the sake of killing them. Then they pretty much went on as if it never even happened. I've seen pictures of bins full of wedding rings. Rings of those who were killed at those camps. At first glance, you can't even tell what the picture is of, because there are thousands of rings. Unbelievable, yet real.

Tuesday!

2010-11-02T09:27:00.000-04:00

I really hate Mondays. I'm glad yesterday is over. I have a bunch of things to do today. One involves going over near Algonquin College. But I'm stalling, as you can see. I also have to get everything ready, including myself. So hopefully everything goes well. I'm nervous about it. I have been for a while. Every year it is the same thing. I still get worried over it. Because it is important. I have to bring back some Library material. I can do that while I'm out there. Plus, I have a meeting this afternoon. I'm anxious about that.

I'm already tired and feel like going back to bed. My energy has been very low. Also I have to recalculate my budget because there are a few things I did this month that have set me back. Like buying a bus pass. I needed it, but still. I also need groceries. Everything has been crazy. This year hasn't been the best financially. Hopefully next year will be better. Hopefully next year I can go back to work and not have to worry so much about paying bills. I'm not the best at balancing things out. I know I could do better. I guess I'm tired of trying to live like a pioneer just to make things work out.

Drink lots of water! It is free and healthy! So many people spend so much money just on beverages. Like soda or those energy drinks. I get one bottle of caffeine pills for the month and it often lasts longer than a month. Instead of an energy drink each day. Caffeine just exasperates my anxiety anyway. I only take it when I really need a boost. I don't like coffee much anymore. I'll still drink it the odd time, but I'd drink tea over coffee.

I'm excited about getting a few things crossed off my list because I know it will make me feel better. I'm always nervous at the beginning of the month because there is a whole month ahead of me. The end of the month isn't so bad. Because things are manageable. The uncertainty is so much less.

Well, I should get ready and then I should go. I'll probably write more tonight.

Going Forward

2010-11-01T18:50:00.000-04:00

I had a meeting with a lady today. She is going to help me find services. Once I have a system going I can get everything done and I'll be so happy. I got a few things done today, I feel good about that.

If I could just get my anxiety under control, I would be able to do so much! I really don't think my meds are working for me. I get anxious a lot. I am right now. I keep thinking about tomorrow. I have an appointment somewhere I haven't been before with someone I haven't met before. But I got a bus pass today so there should be no worries about getting there. Having the pass to go on any bus at any time is somewhat of a relief. Just it messes up my budget. Saves me from having to get tickets, though. I expect things to be messed up for a bit. I hate that. It makes me worry about having enough. I don't need more than enough, just enough. Even could manage with close to enough... Really, I could. But right now, I'm trying to get there. Starting to. Just has to be steadily.

I've been getting things done. Feeling better for it, yet being mega stressed out over things, worrying. I'm tired of worrying, it drains my energy contantly. Get so tired over nothing. Worrying is such a bad habit of mine. Really bad. I get all sweaty and tense thinking about things I have to do that others can just do without worrying about it. So it's really weird, especially to someone who doesn't have to worry about anything.

Things We Find....

2010-10-31T22:52:00.001-04:00

I found something on the net tonight... KKK Kid .... Grant it, this was in 1924, but still... Kids that age don't know better and their parents are supposed to be the role models... Just outrageous.

Talk about Smashing Pumpkins something about a muscular guy with a baseball bat... *shiver/quiver*

Pumpkin Belly Man! Some things we see and then wish we hadn't... But it won't give me nightmares.

I really liked this: Pumpkin Burger one of the most creative ones I've seen so far!

I like this too: Skull Pumpkin, Ok last one: Wow pumpkin

Alright! Enough pumpkins tonight.... Maybe one of these days I can post some clips on here... We shall see.

It was the first Halloween I didn't go to my mother's place. In several years. Just didn't feel the same. I asked her if I could go over, she said no. Last night I stayed home too. Been a boring and lonely weekend. Oh well.

Thing-a-ma-bob For the Camera

2010-10-29T17:27:00.000-04:00

I recently got a thing-a-ma-bob for the camera to upload pictures onto the computer! Yay!
I can go for walks with my camera now and see what there is to see out there.
I can post random pictures on here, too! Woohoo!

Pumpkin Eaters

2010-10-29T14:00:00.000-04:00

Pumpkins are kind of weird. Don't you think? Darn tasty in pies though. I think the squirrels might be eating them around the neighborhood. They can be bold little bastards. I know Sean doesn't like Halloween or squirrels. I don't mind Halloween. It is an excuse to have a few drinks and eat some chocolate. OR watch a scary movie. There are so many movies I haven't seen yet. I was going to pick some out at the library today, but I had a bunch of overdue things and I have fines again. Dammit! Which reminds me that I have some to renew before they are overdue as well. F*ck I hate that.

Anyway, I have a meeting with a job coach person next week, but it happens to be on a day that I have to take my Grandmother to the doctors. So I have to try to balance these two appointments. Should be interesting. My Aunt has issues with me taking my Grandmother, but she never gives any alternatives. She thinks I'm incompetent. She infuriates me. She thinks her whole world is perfect, but she fails to realize that there's a secret people have been keeping from her for decades. Sometimes I think about how I would tell her the truth about her husband. I also wonder what would happen if she knew the truth. A lot of people don't like my Aunt. I'm not a fan of hers either. I'm supposed to love her because she's a relative, but I know I would not choose her if I could choose my own family. There are two people in my family that tell me they love me. My son and my Grandmother. Nobody else does. My mother has hugged my brother and told him that she loves him, right in front of me, but she doesn't hug me and tell me she loves me. I don't think I'd believe her if she ever did. I doubt she would. I don't think it really matters. I'm only writing about it so you can sort of see my family dynamics.

I've been very tired lately. I just got a refill on my pills today. I didn't take any yesterday or the day before so I feel out of it. Like a space cadet or something. I don't seem to have a lot of energy. I should be eating more, also. Probably a contributing factor.

On Monday, I have an appointment with a lady who is going to try to help me get in to see a psychiatrist. All these appointments are hard to keep track of, but I think of it as something I have to do. I have to go to them. No matter how anxious I feel while I'm waiting for the day to come or while I'm there at the appointment. I know that I feel so much better when the appointment is over. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. The anxiety itself is like a weight. But it is the weight of several weights combined.

The social worker at the school told me that there are groups for people with anxiety. The thing is with things like this is that there are long waiting lists just to get into these groups or programs. I hate that. I hate waiting. It makes me so damn anxious. I know my medication alone will not help to pull me through. I might not even be taking the right meds anyway. When I got onto these meds, they were new on the market. I want to have something that is proven to work for people like me.

The important thing is that I'm trying to get things going in the right direction. Not only for me, but especially for my son. I need to be healthy, in a lot of ways, mentally, emotionally, physically... I need to be strong for him because he depends on me. The mental health I think has to come first. I have to get things sorted out in my mind. Which is pretty dificult to do. People who already think clearly might think it isn't as hard as it has been for me, but they don't know how complicated it can be to sort everything out. If I had people around me all my life who could have helped me at any time I needed it, I mean support. If I had people around me to support me through all the sh*t I've been through, I would be a different person today. I wouldn't have to be starting all over again, trying to get help that I should have had like 12 years or more ago. It has to be me who goes and says: I'm ready. AND I have to be ready. The thing that holds me back the most is the fear that when I try to get the help, it won't really be there for me. Like the last time. When I was in the hospital, they did next to nothing for me. They didn't even believe me half the time. It even shows on my records that they thought I was lying. They even wrote as much. People like them are doctors... It really makes me angry. I had one psychiatrist pretty much fall asleep when I was talking to her. She'd wake up, tell me time was up and I had to be sent back into the ward without touching on anything. This is happening to other people, even today. People who need help, go to the hospital to get help, and don't get any.

I've been to counselors who put words in my mouth or twist my words around. That also makes me angry. That is why I gave up on it for so long. I also had people give up on me. Which really sucks when you need someone to talk to, but there isn't anyone there anymore. Sometimes I think that I'm making progress, other times I feel like I'm right back where I started years ago. Have I gotten any better? I'm not cutting myself like I used to. I was just so frustrated. I didn't do it for attention. I did it because afterwards, there was a sense of recovery that I so badly wanted. But do these 'psychiatrists' understand this? No, nobody really does. Some people who are even living it, don't understand it.

Early Halloween

2010-10-28T09:25:00.000-04:00

This morning, my son told me that they were having some sort of Halloween parade at school today. I had a feeling that it is actually tomorrow, but he kept insisting so I let him wear his costume today. He was the only kid wearing his costume today. So he gets to wear it to school twice.

Yesterday was so busy! My son is going to the BGC (Boys and Girls Club) after school. He started a couple of days ago. He always makes a fuss when I come to pick him up because he's having so much fun. Well, yesterday, after the BGC, he had this thing called Ultra Play at his school. So it was like 8:00 by the time we got home. It was time for a little computer time, shower, brushing of teeth, and bed. Well story before bed. We finally finished another library book. This time it was a Goosebumps book. He stops me and asks questions like: "How could they be in the maze for hours when it is always midnight in the midnight maze?" and "What does 'clatter' mean?"

I've been so tired lately. It's this damn weather. I took some caffeine yesterday because I had so much to do on my own. I did my son's laundry when we got home. Put half of it away. So guess what I'm doing today! Putting the rest of the laundry away. I can't do mine today because they are shutting off the water in my building. Which sucks because when I get thirsty and go get some water, it will not come out! Plus, I kind of want to shower.

Anyways, there was something interesting that happened last night. I heard from a guy I dated a while back. Years ago. Before I even met and dated Rob (who is the last actual boyfriend I've had in the last 5 years).
So... This guy was all telling me how he wants me back and that he missed me. Never once appologized for breaking up with me the way he did. He kept saying things like: 'Take a chance, you never know.' Then he said, 'I hope to hear from you with some good news.' Like: Ask me, but don't try to convince me. I hate when people try to influence me to making the choice that they want. I told him that I'd think about it, but I'm really not sure if it is a good idea. Probably not. If I am such a nice girl and all of that, why couldn't he see that the first time around? Not even my son's father wants me back. And he and I have more history than anyone else I've ever dated.

I think that he was lucky to have been with me in the first place. When someone tells me: 'Have a nice life' I will, without them. In the last 5 years I've been single for 4 of them. I don't NEED a man. I get lonely sometimes. I crave affection and attention sometimes, but I don't NEED a man for that. I used to have such a problem being alone. I used to HATE being alone. It meant, to me, that I wasn't good enough. I am starting to get to the point where I am getting used to being single. For the first time, I'm not looking for a relationship. I have yet to meet a guy who likes me for me, to begin with, who will love me pretty much no matter what. I know that love takes time. The thing is that it's been a while when there was a guy who actually wanted to take the time to get to know me, and fall in love with me. I never really had both. I rarely even got one of those. The guys I dated were too damn selfish. That's one of the various reasons I don't want a boyfriend. Guys can be too f*cking selfish. Yes, women too, but after everything I've done for everyone else, I don't want to think of myself as being selfish. Why should I want anything, anyway? I've learned a long time ago that I can't get what I want so there is no point wanting anything. Is there? If there is, what is the point? Just to fulfill a desire to have something that most people don't even deserve?

Documents

2010-10-27T10:23:00.000-04:00

The other day, I read my hospital reports from when I was a teenager. I got them so that when I get the chance to see a psychiatrist, I can show these when I explain that the issues I'm going through are not just something new.

Reading it, I was angry because I think the doctors failed me back then. I also think that they are failing others. Sometimes I think that if things had been different, that if there was actual help out there for me back then, I might have ended up differently than I am today. I might have had many opportunities that I don't have right now. But I'm trying.

I'm taking a step at a time. If I can get one thing crossed off my list, I will feel better each day. It wouldn't be a losing battle. Still I struggle, but I wouldn't feel as defeated. I know that I can feel that things are managable if I can just get a handle on it all.

I still need to take better care of myself. I spend so much time worrying about things that they don't get done. And other things that I shouldn't worry about seem like I should be worried about them because they aren't getting done either. I keep worrying about them because they need to be done and they are important. That is like 80% of my stress right there. I think the other 20% of my stress has to do with hormones. I keep telling myself that I don't want it, even though I know that I do deep down. I just keep trying to push those feelings deeper down. I don't have the strength to deal with those feelings when I'm already trying to deal with so much. It would take time that I just do not have to even THINK about that stuff. So I try to push it out of the way. Sometimes it works, other times.... Other times I just think I'm going insane. Sometimes I think that if I could balance one, the other would be easier to try and balance too.

I'm always worried about each day. Every morning, I keep telling myself: I have so much to do today! Then what do I end up doing: next to nothing, unless I have to be at a meeting or something like that. The running around stuff piles up until I worry about it so much that I have to do something to relieve the pressure of having too much to do. The pressure makes me want to crack and I feel like I'm already cracked. But at least I'm being honest.

Anyway, a little calm before the storm. I want the calm AFTER the storm.

A Busy Day

2010-10-25T15:05:00.001-04:00

Last night, I slept over at my Grandmother's place while my son stayed with his father. I could not take my son to school and take my Grandmother to the hospital at the same time. I would do a bunch of things at the same time if I could be in more than one place at once.

I set the alarm for 7:00 A.M and I heard the alarm at 7:30. My bedroom door was closed, my Grandmother's was closed. I could still here it. She was sleeping right next to it and couldn't hear it.

Anyways, we had a lady drive us to the hospital this morning. She is very nice.

We had to wait for hours at the hospital so I ended up falling asleep in the waiting room while she was having her surgery. I don't usually fall asleep sitting in a chair, but today, I did.

My mother met us at the hospital this morning. We all went for lunch and got the eye drops.

Tomorrow, I have to take my Grandmother to a doctor's appointment. A follow up from the eye surgery.

I watched a movie tonight called: 'Everything is Illuminated' It was really good. Not many movies make me laugh, but there were a few funny parts in this movie. I have to admit one part really made me laugh. It was sad in some parts too, but overall, was pretty good. It is about a guy who goes off on a search in another country to find the place that his Grandfather grew up. You'd have to see the movie to understand it.

Today, I went to pick up my son from school, but he had been signed up to go to the cartooning class after school. So he was at that. Then I talked to the school social worker and to my son's teacher. We talked about the areas that my son is advanced in, and the areas he needs to work on. He is having a lot of the same problems I had in school. The social part lacking, but the achedemic part was higher.

I have a lot of problems to solve, but only a few things can be handled or juggled at once. So my main thing is taking care of everyone before I get my own problems solved. Then working on my own stuff. Right now, I am taking care of my Son, my Grandmother, and trying to get to myself after them. It is a lot just to take care of my Grandmother and my son. Taking care of myself on top of that, just doesn't seem to happen.

I have lists of things to get done. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. I know I have needs, but I keep putting them aside for everyone else. I let myself really go sometimes. It is sad. I think it is because I don't really care anymore. I'm not trying. Definitely not. Don't give a damn.

If I Could Be....

2010-10-24T19:14:00.000-04:00

I've heard that line more than a thousand times.... Fake it 'til you make it. I find it the hardest thing to do. Faking something. Honesty is so important to me that I just can't fake it. It's not in me.

I guess where I was supposed to be going with that is: If I could be someone else, who would I be? Would I be someone famous, or would I choose not to be? But if I had to choose someone famous, maybe I'd be Marilyn Monroe. Cartoon-wise I'd be Jessica Rabbit. It would be a strange combination if I could be both. I wonder what Marilyn would have been like as a redhead instead of a blond.

If I could fake it and lie to the whole world, it might be easier to be something I am not. The hard part about lying is the convincing of someone who already knows the truth. I've never had the power of persuasion. Maybe that is why I chose figures that could easily persuade anyone. I'd like to have that charm that draw people in. That sort of captivation, but I value my privacy more than being out in the public eye. It's one thing that has always bothered me about success. People at school knew me for getting high grades. They didn't actually know me. Sometimes being smart doesn't actually mean anything.

I think I'd rather live a life behind the scenes because that is where I am used to being and comfortable being (for the time being). I'm so used to being alone now that I don't know how I'd feel if I were suddenly famous, not even for a day. I'm pretty much a hermit in the winter. But I find, those months are time for insight. There are lots of things I have to focus on, and it all starts from the inside. I live much more internally than I do externally. The thoughts, feelings, dreams... All come from within. I had such bad dreams last night. Everything that I've been repressing coming forth to torture me. Aweful.

Anyway, it goes.... If I could be a.... Bird! I'd be a bluejay. They are my favorites.

If I could be a.... Super hero... Which would I be? Cat Woman? Or... Maybe one of the chicks in the X-Men group? What powers would I choose for myself? Super Strength? Yes... The Bionic Woman? Can I mix all three? That would be kind of interesting.

Oh what the heck.... Mix them all... Marylin Monroe (as a redhead) with Jessica Rabbit....
Then mix with a nerd who has bad dreams...
Then mix with a bluejay! Yay!
Add a mixture of Cat Woman, An X-Men Chick,
AND the Bionic Woman

There you should have whatever the hell I aspire to be.

2010-10-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

My Relationship Chemistry Test Results:

Self-Confidence

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people.
Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people.
Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too.
Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself.
Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses.
But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself.
Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this.
With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.

Family Orientation

As someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent.
If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future.
And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood.
You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this.
This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants.
What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own.
This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down.
However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.

Self-Control

The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself.
Being low in self-control can be both good and bad.
Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not.
This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important.
However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble.
For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused.
Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented.
Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work.
Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages.
Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent.
Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.”
Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.

Openness

As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature.
Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena.
Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.
Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas.
This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance.
Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages.
For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are.
In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation.
In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.

Easygoingness

Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax.
Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time.
However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways.
For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently.
In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you.
Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example.
You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks.
For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.

How does your personality affect your love life?

With the strong degree of self-confidence that you possess, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people.
Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable.
For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially.
Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates.
However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs.
In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family.
For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life.
Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time.
Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family.
On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people.
However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you.
Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness.
But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.

Romance is all fine for people who already love each other. To me, it is just another word. But what I'm interested in now, instead of dating, is learning more about myself.

I figure knowing more about myself is better than being in a relationship.

Things Keep Changing

2010-10-23T12:56:00.000-04:00

I've never been a fan of change. Some things we get forced into accepting because if it were up to us, we wouldn't want to accept it. We force ourselves to accept things all the time. I have to force myself to accept things or else I would accept nothing. I am extremely stubborn that way. Well... In many ways. But if you have known me or known of me for a while, you already know most of my hangups. I've been pretty much an open book here. Just not exactly with people in... ummm real life.

I have to admit that I like hiding away in this blog. I can feel somewhat confident when I am writing. Because I know these words will still be here. Even when I forgot everything I am writing. Speaking of writing, I wrote a couple of kid stories a few nights ago. That is one of my aspirations. To write children's stories. I've always admired Doctor Zeus.

I invited a friend of mine to go to a knitting guild with me. She said she will. I wanted to go for quite a while, but I find it much better to go with someone you already know. I need a night out for me, just for me, to do something I like. I'm knitting a scarf for my mother's dog. It is pink because she is a girl, and I'm using wool that glows in the dark. Should be interesting. One thing I've wanted to do for a while is knit a pair of pants. I have enough wool to knit several pairs of pants. I'm working on a few things for Christmas.

Anyway, I should do a couple of things before I go to my Grandmother's place for the afternoon of cleaning. Then I have to come back here and clean some more. I'm taking my Grandmother to the hospital for surgery on Monday, on Tuesday I have to take her to a doctor's appointment. I am supposed to have an appointment on Tuesday as well as Monday, so I have to cancel them both. When my Grandmother needs me, I have to be there. She comes before anything else. I hope that my Grandchildren at least respect me. I love my Grandmother.

Anyways, I'm getting ready to go in 3... 2.. 1

Getting Things Done

2010-10-22T15:01:00.000-04:00

Today has been a busy day for me. This morning I had an appointment, which narrowed down the list of some of the things I have to do, still. Then, I went to the Library. I returned a lot of things and renewed a few things. I have to make a list of what I've taken out this time so I don't forget anything. I even borrowed a couple of computer games for my son this time. He will be surprised.

I took out a few videos for myself as well. I have a book to read, but sometimes it is nice to have a story that you don't have to read. I got: 'Bus Stop' with Marilyn Monroe and Don Murray, 'Thieves Like Us', 'Stomp Out Loud', 'Mount Pleasant', 'Everything is Illuminated', Twist of Faith', 'Whatever Floats Your Boat', 'C.R.A.Z.Y', and 'Ham and Cheese.' Those should keep me entertained for a while. But I have to go right now, but I'll be back later. More than likely.

Magazines

2010-10-21T09:55:00.000-04:00

Although magazines are highly comercialized, and sometimes a waste of paper, I like them. Because... I have a thing for collages. I love making a collage. My son calls them a mirage. I keep correcting him, but he keeps telling me that mirage is easier for him to say than collage. So I guess as long as I know what he means... He used to get words mixed up when he was much younger. I think it is a really cute time when kids are learning to talk. He still has his really cute moments. Like when I'm reading to him and he wants me to keep reading because he wants to find out what happens next. And when there is a cliff hanger, I pause and look at him. He's looking back at me with wide eyes.

I got him signed up for two after school programs. One is on cartooning. The other is a play thing. When he is eight, I'm going to sign him up for swimming lessons and basketball. He says he wants to join a choir, too. I figure the more he can get involved in, the better. But I don't want to get him into too much. Just the things he wants and asks to do.

The important part is that I'm trying hard to make him happy, and get him into an active lifestyle. So he can meet other kids, make friends, and just be a kid. Childhood is one of the most fleeting things and I want him to get the chance to do the things that I missed out on.

Going Today

2010-10-19T09:16:00.000-04:00

I have an appointment for career counselling today. It is in the afternoon, but I'm going to go in early to use the gym. Since I am a client, I get to use the gym for free and there is a trainer there to help get you on your routine.

I know I should eat breakfast. Everyone keeps saying: It is the most important meal of the day. I don't often get hungry until lunch or dinner. I can't seem to force myself to eat breakfast. It's really hard for me to just eat it and get it over with. I make sure my kid eats breakfast, but I don't usually eat it with him.

I know that nutrition is important. The food groups and all of that. I haven't exactly been good to my body. I haven't exactly been taking care of myself in that regard. I can't seem to force myself to do the things I should do when I do not feel like doing them. Hard to explain. I've also been staying up late, again, and not getting enough sleep. The lack of energy is probably from the lack of eating. Food is weird, eating is weird. It just feels weird to me. Hard to explain it. Just when I think about it, I get strange feelings.

So.... I think I will go have a rest, then get ready for my day out. For the gym, for the interviews, for the rest of my life...