Been a long time... I don't expect anyone still reads my blog posts. I guess I have let you down in a sense that I haven't posted very much. I still don't have internet at home, but I got my computer fixed. I'm working on those types of things.
A lot has happened... First, my son went to live with his father. It breaks my heart, but I have no choice in the matter. I've been depressed over this and over a few other things... Maybe one of the reasons I've stayed to myself and haven't relly tried to reach out to anyone in a long time. I'm ashamed about telling anyone that I failed as a mother even though I tried really hard and it was so hard without anyone to help me. I hate how I have to go through my EX to see my kid especially since he was a weekend father who (even after I begged him to help me) wouldn't help me with the problems I was having with his old school.
So in my opinion since he really couldn't be bothered, he doesn't really deserve to be the main caregiver. I spent years doing everything for my son, EVERYTHING. Still it wasn't enough in their eyes. I wasn't perfect so I had to be persecuted and have everything taken from me. My whole life has chaged in the last 7 months. I really don't even know what to do with myself now. I feel like I have less responsibilities now, but in a sense I actually have more. Before I only did everything for my son. I got to the point that I wasn't taking care of myself.
I am still seeing a psychiatrist but it doesn't seem to help. I only see her once a month and I don't see how that is supposed to help. I feel like drinking most of the time and if I could afford to be drunk most nightsthan not, I would be. Not to the point that I used to drink, but close. I have a hard time stopping after I start drinking. I feel like I have to keep going to numb the pain. I guess some people would understad this... A lot of people would just think I'm foolish.
I haven't told the whole story because it hurts to much to have to keep going back to the beginning (when my life went down the tubes) and it hurts to know that there are worse mothers out there who get to keep their kids... It hurts toknow that no matter wht I do, I get persecuted unjustly. It happens all the time. I am a victim of judgement. Everyone who reads this will wonder what happened and assume whatever the heck they want about me. If I was such a bad mother, they would have taken me to court to take away all rights to my son. They had no reason to take me to court. I still get to see my son on the weekends. I am a weekend mother now and there isn't a damn thing I can do about that. All the people who ruined my life before I got pregnant still want me to burn in hell. But not as bad as I want them to burn in hell. It is because of the past that I can't seem to move forward and if I ever had any more kids, the same thing would happen. They just will never leave me alone. Unless I leave Ottawa forever and some days I'm really f*cking tempted to.
My birthday sucked this year. I really hate my birthdays because I haven't had a good one in years. This year, my Uncle and cousin came to Ottawa from Alberta and they came to see my Grandmother (they do every maybe 7 years.) Anyway, they decided to have a birthday dinner for my Grandmother on my birthday so I couldn't do anything I wanted to do. My boyfriend was being mean to me that morning too, which really didn't help.
Anyway, I got to the dinner as everyone was leaving and my Aunt forbade me from going to even say hello to my Grandmother. They didn't even offer me any left overs or anything. Then... My Uncle asked me if I wated to come over to my Grandmother's condo (hasn't been sold yet)... So I did, I was with my son and he got to spend time with my cousin's son. They were standing around in the kitchen all having a beer and they didn't even offer me one! On my BLOODY BIRTHDAY!!!
So... I'm not fond of my family as you can tell. They seem to boss me around, not accept me, and leave me out on my birthday. I really don't care what they do. If they invite me to anything, I'm not going to go.
This is after I spent days taking care of my Grandmother when nobody else could have been bothered to even pick up a phone and call her. That was all my Aunt did was called and I was the one trying to coax my Grandmother to eat, and trying to help her feel better. She couldn't walk very well and I was helping her go to the bathroom and bathing her when I was the only one to do anything to help. my Aunt was being nice to me after my Grandmother went to the hospital. She had no idea how bad it actually got because she never went to see her even thyough she was not even a block away!
She kept telling me how much she appreciated my help... The thing she doesn't understand is that I did it for my Grandmother. NOT FOR HER OR ANYONE ELSE! I don't care about any of them except for my Grandmother because I know she loves me. The others are just... relatives who never gave a damn about me my whole life.
Anyway... That should be a sufficient update. I might write again another time, when I have the time.
A lot has happened... First, my son went to live with his father. It breaks my heart, but I have no choice in the matter. I've been depressed over this and over a few other things... Maybe one of the reasons I've stayed to myself and haven't relly tried to reach out to anyone in a long time. I'm ashamed about telling anyone that I failed as a mother even though I tried really hard and it was so hard without anyone to help me. I hate how I have to go through my EX to see my kid especially since he was a weekend father who (even after I begged him to help me) wouldn't help me with the problems I was having with his old school.
So in my opinion since he really couldn't be bothered, he doesn't really deserve to be the main caregiver. I spent years doing everything for my son, EVERYTHING. Still it wasn't enough in their eyes. I wasn't perfect so I had to be persecuted and have everything taken from me. My whole life has chaged in the last 7 months. I really don't even know what to do with myself now. I feel like I have less responsibilities now, but in a sense I actually have more. Before I only did everything for my son. I got to the point that I wasn't taking care of myself.
I am still seeing a psychiatrist but it doesn't seem to help. I only see her once a month and I don't see how that is supposed to help. I feel like drinking most of the time and if I could afford to be drunk most nightsthan not, I would be. Not to the point that I used to drink, but close. I have a hard time stopping after I start drinking. I feel like I have to keep going to numb the pain. I guess some people would understad this... A lot of people would just think I'm foolish.
I haven't told the whole story because it hurts to much to have to keep going back to the beginning (when my life went down the tubes) and it hurts to know that there are worse mothers out there who get to keep their kids... It hurts toknow that no matter wht I do, I get persecuted unjustly. It happens all the time. I am a victim of judgement. Everyone who reads this will wonder what happened and assume whatever the heck they want about me. If I was such a bad mother, they would have taken me to court to take away all rights to my son. They had no reason to take me to court. I still get to see my son on the weekends. I am a weekend mother now and there isn't a damn thing I can do about that. All the people who ruined my life before I got pregnant still want me to burn in hell. But not as bad as I want them to burn in hell. It is because of the past that I can't seem to move forward and if I ever had any more kids, the same thing would happen. They just will never leave me alone. Unless I leave Ottawa forever and some days I'm really f*cking tempted to.
My birthday sucked this year. I really hate my birthdays because I haven't had a good one in years. This year, my Uncle and cousin came to Ottawa from Alberta and they came to see my Grandmother (they do every maybe 7 years.) Anyway, they decided to have a birthday dinner for my Grandmother on my birthday so I couldn't do anything I wanted to do. My boyfriend was being mean to me that morning too, which really didn't help.
Anyway, I got to the dinner as everyone was leaving and my Aunt forbade me from going to even say hello to my Grandmother. They didn't even offer me any left overs or anything. Then... My Uncle asked me if I wated to come over to my Grandmother's condo (hasn't been sold yet)... So I did, I was with my son and he got to spend time with my cousin's son. They were standing around in the kitchen all having a beer and they didn't even offer me one! On my BLOODY BIRTHDAY!!!
So... I'm not fond of my family as you can tell. They seem to boss me around, not accept me, and leave me out on my birthday. I really don't care what they do. If they invite me to anything, I'm not going to go.
This is after I spent days taking care of my Grandmother when nobody else could have been bothered to even pick up a phone and call her. That was all my Aunt did was called and I was the one trying to coax my Grandmother to eat, and trying to help her feel better. She couldn't walk very well and I was helping her go to the bathroom and bathing her when I was the only one to do anything to help. my Aunt was being nice to me after my Grandmother went to the hospital. She had no idea how bad it actually got because she never went to see her even thyough she was not even a block away!
She kept telling me how much she appreciated my help... The thing she doesn't understand is that I did it for my Grandmother. NOT FOR HER OR ANYONE ELSE! I don't care about any of them except for my Grandmother because I know she loves me. The others are just... relatives who never gave a damn about me my whole life.
Anyway... That should be a sufficient update. I might write again another time, when I have the time.
1 responses:
Still here...wish things were better for you!
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