Fading Fast

I have to work tonight and I really don't want to go in. They have nobody to replace me, so they say. They just don't want to have to look for someone to replace me.

They just keep adding things to my list and it's already a full page of things they expect me to get done every single night. I only have eight hours to do things in. Eight hours doesn't last very long. The time does fly except for the last hour of the shift. That's when time moves so slowly that it almost goes backwards.

One of the guys told the supervisor that he's been on his case for the whole week. I just put up with it. I do get mad, because I know that they never appreciate anything I do around there. All they tell me is that I have to do more and more and more. They never say, "Good work", or "Good job." I think it would make me feel better for being recognized as actually trying.

The thing is that the supervisor leaves two hours after we start our shift so he doesn't get to see what we actually do when he isn't there. One of the guys I work with is the Supervisor's father. So obviously he doesn't give his dear ol' Dad any extra work.

Speaking of fathers.... I had a strange dream that after 12 years of thinking my father is dead, I find out that he hasn't been dead. That he just had people tell me he was dead because he never wanted to see me again. I have yet to go to his final resting spot. But I do believe he is dead. He has been for 12 years.

I also had a dream that it was my birthday. Which it won't be for 7 more months. I was going to school again and I invited the people in my class to come to my party. And they actually came to my party. Out of the people I invited to my 24th birthday, two of them showed up. And one of them wasn't going to, but he did anyway. I don't have parties. I don't even go to parties. Because I don't get invitations. But in this dream I was part of the 'in' crowd. I was liked and even dare I say popular. I've never been popular. I've been an outcast all my life.

Yesterday was a long day. I took my son downtown and I showed him where I work, then I took him to the library, then we went to the garage sale (the great Gleebe garage sale) and then we went home because he was really tuckered out. Then after dinner, his father took him to a fair nearby. So he was really tired.

The garage sale was packed. I ended up seeing a few people I haven't seen for a while. One of them is a friend of mine I hadn't seen since high school. I introduced him to my son. He said he looks like me. I used to go to public school with him. I'd like to keep in touch because he's one of the few people from public school who will still talk to me.

I had a hard time in public school. Making friends and fitting in. Grade 6 was the year my father died. And I just couldn't function regularly. It's really hard for someone so young to really understand the grieving process especially without any kind of support from family. My mother left me alone to grieve. She never grieved with me or showed me that she was grieving. The only time I saw her cry was when she told me and I think she was crying more because she had a hard time telling me.

How could she really miss someone she hadn't been with or seen for years? How could she miss someone when she couldn't even remember where she met him? Even though she had his child (me). It's strange when your family is just so disconnected and then you see real families and see how they interact.

I have to admit, I'm pretty depressed these days. I have the ups and downs. Yesterday was OK, but today I don't feel that whatever it is that I felt yesterday. I wish there was some permanent remedy to just fill that void in my soul. I guess the difference of knowing that I'm not socially accepted and the realizations that follow that really get to me. They have before, but more so now. Because as I'm getting older, and the less I'm being accepted by others, the more I miss out on. I hate missing out on things solely because of the sh*t that has happened to me. I hate being left out all the time. That gets to me. Because I keep asking myself "Why am I being forgotten about?" "Why don't they want me there?" "Why was I not invited?" .... Among many other why's. But I never get any answers to those questions. I think I deserve some explanations, but I never get any. I just feel that as I'm getting older, I should be getting out at least once in a while to do things others my age do. Instead of always being stuck at home. Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I should be giving up my fading youth. Right?

Anyway, I think that's all I've got to say for today.